DP is an arsehole right?

[katieyhy]

We moved house 3 weeks ago - we have no DC.

As I was getting a bin bag out tonight I noticed things under the sink were wet. I said to DP and he said he probably just spilled water when he was "cleaning". I carried on emptying things from under the sink and noted a foul smell - definitely a leak.

So I called my dad - DP and I are crap at all things DIY and he regularly asks to get my dad to offer help.

On FaceTime DP gets angry, he starts swearing "fucking hell you were meant to sort the kitchen" in front of my parents. So rude. My dad said not to argue about something like this and I began tearing up.
DP is still swearing and being angry so I've left him to fix it.

His argument is that the leak could have been there since we moved in and I should have noticed it as I did "fuck all" on moving day except for sort the kitchen.

I think I'm losing the will now. DP is a teacher and not doing anything for school - he hasn't been in for a month and isn't due in until his allocated day in 3 weeks. All he's done in the new house is sit on his phone and watch TV. He's regularly causing little spats because he doesn't put his phone down.

I've had enough - help!

I have to agree with most others here.

I’d always make allowance for stress or depression, especially under lockdown. But it’s not only his swearing and abusing you in front of your parents, is it? He’s lazy, leaves you to do most of the work, lies about you and undermines you. It’s long-term, not just an angry moment.

Don’t tie yourself down with him. You were very young when you got together. There are so many better men out there, and at 25 you still have plenty of time to meet one. But not if you’re trapped in a marriage that’s eating away your confidence.

I think you have just been saved a lot of heartache. This man is not a keeper.

Don't marry him, he has no respect for you

I didn’t see this sweary/disrespectful side to my husband until we had kids. I should have left him then. You’re seeing it now. You’ve been given a golden chance to get away before wasting your life on somebody vile.

Yep, he is a total arsehole! What did your father say when he was doing all this?

He's shown his hand nice and quick, which is great! You don't have kids? I'd get my skates on once this lockdown ends, OP.
He's shown you who he is and he's shown you he doesn't respect you or your parents. It's almost as if he wants to hurt your dad (not to mention you, of course!) by showing him how little he thinks of you. He also feels incompetent because he's not the Big Man fixing the leak. If this is how he deals with something like a leak under the sink, imagine how he'll cope with the big guns stuff, i.e. all-nighters with sleepless, crying babies ( they aren't for the weak and angry).

Exactly this!

I am surprised your mum or dad didnt contact you afterwards and ask if you were ok given you teared up during the discussion.

Has he always been like this or is this a new delightful side you’re being treated to? Couples are supposed to pull together and have each other’s backs - has be got yours or is he too busy sharpening his next knife?
What does he normally contribute to the running of your lives? Is he jealous of your earning power (you say you could pay the mortgage alone but he couldn’t)?

I didn’t see this sweary/disrespectful side to my husband until we had kids

This is the pattern. They rein in their nasty side until they think they have you trapped.

Usually It’s when you get married or get pregnant. In the Ops case it’s when they have bought a property together.

Don’t ignore this OP.

*I should have noticed it as I did “fuck all” on moving day except for sort the kitchen.
I think I’m losing the will now.

DP is a teacher and not doing anything for school – he hasn’t been in for a month and isn’t due in until his allocated day in 3 weeks. All he’s done in the new house is sit on his phone and watch TV.*

You don't like him criticising you when his perception is that you've not done much that's worthwhile, but you do the same to him. It was rude of him to swear and do so in front of your parents, but the sentiment is the same. Your second post lists, in excruciating detail, simple things that were done by you leading up to the house move. I bet if we heard his side of what he's doing on his phone, it would read something like that in terms of specific things he has to do to maintain contact with his pupils and provide work and feedback.

People have said about him:

Your second issue is communication – what were you doing on moving day? Why doesn’t he know?

But why don't you know what work he's doing (on full pay, from home must mean he's expected to) and why do you act as though it must be nothing when you're upset he effectively called you lazy too?

Just wait till you’re on maternity and get accused of spring on your arse all day doing fuck all!?

You've said that's what he's doing, just because his place of work is closed because we're on lockdown!

He has no respect for you

You don't have respect for each other.

Yes, he was rude, but if he's abusive for having and voicing a negative opinion of you, then most people, including you, are also.

Are you purposefully misreading the thread?

For my part:

*Just wait till you’re on maternity and get accused of spring on your arse all day doing fuck all!?

You've said that's what he's doing, just because his place of work is closed because we're on lockdown!*

I'm not referring to lockdown time. Having a baby is known to be a key time when abusive men ramp up their control sure to your increased isolation and reduced earning potential.
Being in lockdown as a teacher significantly reduces what you can do practically. However, normality most teachers would be getting on with planning etc for the next academic year.
This is about her contribution being ignored and belittled to justify his treatment of her. He knows rightly she did the bulk of the work to move home. They may be individually 'simple tasks' but the sheer volume of them in a time pressured situation adds up to a significant mental load. A load which would increase with OP having a baby plus running most of the household and working, as she's the higher earner so may be pushed to return to help maintain their standard of living.
Basically it's a red flag. Does she push back and re-establish boundaries or re-evaluate if this is the right relationship for her is the key issue now......

All I can say Op is please don’t marry this man or have children with him.
Other posters have said everything I would want to

What is his problem? Apparently you should have noticed a leak three weeks ago but he has ‘cleaned’ under there since and didn’t?!

Is he normally so stupid?!

If it was me that would be what I would say to him. I wouldn’t tear up I would tear into him! How dare he speak to you like that!

If I’m being charitable I’d say tempers could be frayed. But he clearly hasn’t and won’t apologise with an explanation. He sounds like a fucker and I don’t know if I’d want to continue in a relationship like that.

@Justtryingtobehelpful

Are you purposefully misreading the thread?

I'm not purposely, or purposefully, doing anything.

I'm saying that the OP is trying to justify her contribution, because her partner was rude, but she's been the same about him.

In many cases, I'm sure what you say is broadly correct. But this isn't what has happened here. And my mention of lockdown was relevant, because although that's not what you meant, it's what I was talking about! She says he's doing nothing currently, which I don't believe and at least three other posters (whether they fell for it or not) articulated would be highly unusual.

He was rude about her. So she's being rude back.

We can't know exactly who has donewhat in terms of contributions or work. The person criticising will minimise the other's efforts, while the one hurt by this will exaggerate.

I think OP has shown herself to speak about her partner in the way she has a problem with.

I don't understand a poster who comes to MN and complains that a person is kvetching about their spouse!!! What the OP listed she has done prior to move aren't "simple" things.

OP, you and your partner are united on one front, neither of you have any respect for YOU.

Your bar being so low for your relationship is the reason you are treated this way by a nasty, lazy, waster.

Good luck getting married and having children with him.

Make NO mistake....you have an absolute SHIT SHOW of a miserable future to look forward to.

Good luck.👍

You are allowed to move house to your parents. I’d do that- pack a suitcase and go. You can’t possibly marry or have children with someone who can talk to you like that and have no respect for all you’ve done for the house move.

Get out now.
He's an arsehole.

Run like fuck.

And when you have, run some more.

Every abusive partner starts with one off episodes that shock you and then subside. You can ignore them and hope that it's a one off... but as a pp said earlier that was contempt. People don't use contempt 'by mistake' and they only do it where they have given themselves full permission to judge you and found you lacking. That's not a good sign...are there others ( eg does he usually get his own way? does he ever apologize? what would happen if you asked him to take his share in something he didn't want to do? do you find yourself doing a lot of the organization for you both and if so does he ever say thank you? does he view himself as somehow in charge of things?)

I have been with this man for five years. It doesn't get any better. LEAVE.

Do you rmember 3 weeks ago when someone in th dailt briefing said that isolation would test relationships... you now have the result of your test. You are seeing your DP under stress and he isn't the nice person he manages to be when things go his way.

This is the time you decide whether or not you have a future together - YOU decide what is bet for YOU. He doesn't get a say in your decision.

Worst case scenario is you sell the house and lose a lot of fees etc.

If you can, and want to, go home to your parents and tell him the house goes back on the market PDQ!

He saw you coming OP... and is now reaping the benefits of the of your hard work... he's a nasty git