DP is an arsehole right?

[katieyhy]

We moved house 3 weeks ago - we have no DC.

As I was getting a bin bag out tonight I noticed things under the sink were wet. I said to DP and he said he probably just spilled water when he was "cleaning". I carried on emptying things from under the sink and noted a foul smell - definitely a leak.

So I called my dad - DP and I are crap at all things DIY and he regularly asks to get my dad to offer help.

On FaceTime DP gets angry, he starts swearing "fucking hell you were meant to sort the kitchen" in front of my parents. So rude. My dad said not to argue about something like this and I began tearing up.
DP is still swearing and being angry so I've left him to fix it.

His argument is that the leak could have been there since we moved in and I should have noticed it as I did "fuck all" on moving day except for sort the kitchen.

I think I'm losing the will now. DP is a teacher and not doing anything for school - he hasn't been in for a month and isn't due in until his allocated day in 3 weeks. All he's done in the new house is sit on his phone and watch TV. He's regularly causing little spats because he doesn't put his phone down.

I've had enough - help!

Yes he's an arsehole. And things will get worse. I would think very very hard before marrying him.

Leave. Seriously

Don't marry him op.

This reminded me so much of our ex son in law. He would subtly put our daughter down whenever we saw them. Little digs and prods that made her self esteem plummet, but not enough that we knew he was abusive. We just disliked him and thought that they weren't well suited.

Then he showed his true colours in front of me and it was a real eye opener. Similar to the one event that you mentioned. Interestingly He didn't do it in front of her dad, but I assume I didn't matter because I'm a woman. I was the beginning of the end. My daughter came clean about how controlling he was and it was six months from that occasion to when she left him.

I wish they had never married. He was a total arsehole, controlling, insecure and unfaithful. It's almost 2 years since she left with her children and I'm so thankful for that.

Please see what's in front of you and get your parent's support to leave him.

I never wade in on threads like this, but it was too close to home to ignore.

Reminds me of my friend who lived with her boyfriend sane age as you. She had a minor car accident. He ranted and raved about damage to the car no word of seeing if she was ok. She dumped him that night. Sold house both got their share back then she met someone really nice and married him.

Don't marry him.
Don't have kids with him.
Get rid of him.
He's shown you who he is and it's not pleasant.

Don't marry him.
He doesn't respect you.
Without respect you don't have a long term relationship....

I'd be looking to find a way out. Can he buy you out of the house? How do you own the house?

Seriously - this isn't just a one off is it?

He spoke to you like that and in front of your Dad and asked for your Dads acknowledgment... FUCK NO... leave him OP.

Get out now before it’s too late.

You know this is domestic abuse right?

I could never be with a man who spoke like that to me in front of my family. My dad would be dragging me out the door anyway and giving him some choice words in return.

Having to agree with most of the other posters OP.
Yes me & DP have been a bit snappy with each other at times recently. Moved house just before lockdown & just been on 2 weeks of isolation due to DP developing a cough.
However if we would never belittle each other in front of either parent. Definitely would not be claiming that either of us has done f*ck all when it's obvious you've taken on the mental if not the physical load.

If this was a complete out of the blue one off in your 5yr relationship I'd be wanting a Frank chat to find out what's going on & an unforced apology. Otherwise take a look at your relationship & if there's been signs of this then I would be cancelling the wedding and leaving. You can do better.

The house was £500k, we own jointly 50/50. Neither of us could buy the other out. I know he wouldn't move out as his argument would be that I have parents nearby but he doesn't (he moved to be with me).

I could (with difficulty) afford the mortgage on my own but he would struggle.

Been there, done that. It’s really not a matter of whether you’ll leave him but when, isn’t it? Make it sooner rather than later. His behaviour will lower your self esteem to such a point that leaving will be very difficulty. Get your ducks in a row so that you are in a position to leave at a time most convenient to you once all this virus thing is over. As you have probably been arranging all the practical stuff re the wedding you should be in a position to discreetly cancel everything. Don’t outlay anything more on it. He is not going to change.
You deserve someone who respects you and appreciates your abilities.
Good luck.

No idea how your DP has limbs. If my DP so much as raised an eyebrow wrongly towards me and my dad witnessed it, he would have take over and explained how you speak to people you love in a no-so polite way.

I wouldn't have a problem with the occasional spat. Ime, that's just normal relationship stuff for most people. But for him to speak that way in front of your family is out of line. That's no way to act. It shows a lack of respect and self-control that should give you pause.

Don’t get pregnant to this man and don’t marry him. I would be planning my exit strategy.

You’re still so young don’t waste your best years on someone who treats you with such contempt. He is definitely an arsehole.

Can you go to your parents?

Which bit of lockdown didn't you get?

He is a dick.
Leave him
Just a question if he is a teacher is he kn full pay and sitting on phone all day has he no planning off online work for students. I was actually feeling sorry for teachers but if this is what they are actually doing in don't feel sorry for them.

Don’t marry him.

Don’t get pregnant. Even by accident.

Call off the wedding. Make sure your contraception is good.

Which bit of lockdown didn't you get?
You can leave a relationship during lockdown. You're not supposed to go between households regularly, but if OP wants to leave and move somewhere else she can. We're not in a bloody police state.

He spoke to you like that and in front of your Dad? I would have walked out straight away. Unless there is more to the story?

Which bit of lockdown didn't you get? Of course if OP wants to stay with her parents she should. No one has to stay in lockdown with an angry swearing man.

Wow what a charmer. Swears at you in front of your parents, and is a lazy twat to boot. Not sure I'd be keen to marry him

Anyone who has the confidence to speak like that to someone in front of their parents is truly an unbelievable asshole. Lockdown stress or not. It's beyond the pale.

Start making plans to move on in life without him. It's just 5 years. Don't make it too many more. Seriously. It's a massive red flag.

It sounds pretty awful but I'm going to be charitable and say it sounds like he could be a bit thrown out by the whole lockdown thing, what with not working suddenly and spending all his time on TV/phone.

Has he ever been like this before, though? Or is it out of character?

I'd take a bit of serious thinking time to evaluate whether I wanted to marry this person and get stuck with them for life. You don't need to say anything or have any big discussion, just have it at the back of your mind and observe the partnership for a while.

He sounds very nasty. Speaking like that in front of your DP is sooo out of order (what must your dad think?)

Dh never ever speaks to me like that and we’ve been together for many years and through many hard times.

I would question the impending marriage tbh. If He is showing such disdain and disrespect for you now, what will it be like when he’s got you right where he wants you?