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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My husband divulging too much to his boss.

85 replies

Ritasueandbobtoo · 14/04/2020 08:11

I have recently had some serious mental health issues and my husband has had to have a few days off to look after the children, maybe 3 or 4. AIBU to think that he should only have to tell his boss that he was having family issues? He has divulged every shitty detail, things that i am thoroughly ashamed of. We live in a very small village and my husband works on a private estate he told his bosses secretary aswell who has a mouth on her. I think he may have told the only other staff member there aswell. I feel so betrayed.

OP posts:

Pommes · 14/04/2020 08:14

You have nothing to feel ashamed about. I hope you are on the road to recovery and feeling better again. I tend to both agree and disagree. Could your husband be sharing his worries to help deal with them himself?

whateverhappenstheremore · 14/04/2020 08:18

Difficult one. I get why you do t want people to know but certainly where I work you would get time off paid in these circumstances because people would be sympathetic but family issues would be unpaid

DeeCeeCherry · 14/04/2020 08:19

I'd feel the same OP. Being a blabbermouth is very unappealing. Your mental health issues aren't for gossip - He could have given his boss the basic outlines. He didn't need to say anything to secretary at all. You've done nothing wrong, hold your head high. Tell your husband you are supposed to be a Team. That means having your back and not spreading very personal, sensitive information about you.

Cheerbear23 · 14/04/2020 08:22

I understand you are upset, but did your DH have to go into more detail to be given the time off, I’d spell out how serious it was?
‘Family issues’ sounds vague and may not sufficiently convey why he needed to be off work.

TidyDancer · 14/04/2020 08:22

I understand how you feel but two things jump out at me here. The first is that 'family issues' probably won't cut it as an explanation if he's taking a number of days off and the second is that he probably needed a bit of support himself so needed to talk.

You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed about OP. I hope you're doing okay now.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 14/04/2020 08:41

‘Family issues’ isn’t enough to have time off work. You have no need to feel ashamed. YANBU to be upset if he has divulged private information unnecessarily.

Whichoneofyoudidthat · 14/04/2020 08:44

I then ‘family issues’ is plenty of information. Especially if it comes from an otherwise reliable employee. YANBU.

OuterMongolia · 14/04/2020 08:46

Oh this is a really tricky one. I can see why you feel betrayed, but your husband's boss might have been quite unsympathetic about giving him time off if he'd just said 'family issues'?

tiredanddangerous · 14/04/2020 08:46

I’m sorry you’re struggling op but how many bosses would accept “family issues” as a valid reason? Mine wouldn’t.

Stompythedinosaur · 14/04/2020 08:46

I think he is pretty reasonable explaining the situation to his boss, but not to his secretary or anyone else.

Mental health difficulties are nothing to be ashamed of.

Sushiroller · 14/04/2020 08:50

Was it truly every shitty detail?
If he needed the boss to be flexible he may have needed/wanted to give more than v vague "family issues" which can frankly be minor things or perceived as an excuse.

Telling the receptionist is Not cool. At all.

saraclara · 14/04/2020 08:51

No way would I have got away with "family issues". Maybe I could leave that on the answering machine when I phoned in, but I'd have to talk to my boss and give more information by lunchtime.

I world, however, only give very personal details to her, and ask that it went no further. I'd have to accept that admin would get something in between. Probably that it was a mental health issue, but no details beyond that.

pinkyredrose · 14/04/2020 08:51

Why the fuck did he do that! Your medical records are confidential, remind him of that!

moneysavingmama · 14/04/2020 08:56

My husband did this after we had our first child and I had PND. His boss was more than sympathetic though and literally asked him why he was even in. Gave him two weeks paid leave.

crikeycrumbsblimey · 14/04/2020 09:08

You are looking for someone to be angry at - don’t make it your biggest support. Been there, done that and it wrecks relationships. Lashing out at those around you who are (hopefully) trying to do their best and might get it wrong sometimes achieves nothing.

Family issues wouldn’t cut it, especially if he has had to take quite a few days off and if this is a repeat.

foodandwine89 · 14/04/2020 09:26

No boss would give someone a few days off for family issues. He needs to keep his job and his boss happy so explaining what is happening will help. And maybe he needed to vent as well.

Mummyoflittledragon · 14/04/2020 09:27

YANBU to be upset he told too many people. He told his boss and secretary.
YABU to think your dh wouldn’t have to tell anyone.

I agree with the comment from crikey about your main support. You can’t help feeling angry at your dh. However, you can help how you react to him. Your dh will have needed support too.

user1483387154 · 14/04/2020 09:28

yabu. His boss would need to 7understand the severity of the situation to allow him to have time off

notimagain · 14/04/2020 09:48

There's no way that using the phrase "family issues" in isolation get you compassionate leave where I work.

You'd have to do a bit better than that but OTOH you wouldn't be expected to breach medical in confidence either.

Original poster

Ritasueandbobtoo · 14/04/2020 09:49

Thankyou all for responding. Maybe I am being a bit sensitive but i feel maybe he could have said I was having mental health issues not the entire story. I feel it is my private life, I know he is massively part of it aswell and is entìtled to support and needs someone to talk to but he has family and friends who knew the situation.
I have to see the people he works fir and with everyday ( they live in the village) and can't stand the thought of them judging me.
I had a psychotic episode and was very paranoid.
He has told them everything. For example that i was arrested for my own protection, that social services had to be involved, the amount of debt I got myself in. That I was going to be sectioned and what medication they were giving me.
He wasn't very supportive during this and has given them the impression of the doting husband and father.
I asked him not to tell them everything and he promised he wouldn't. I found out later that he had.
He left me at home with my 3month old whilst suicidal when the crisis team came for my daily visit with meds they called him and told him to come home immediately.
He had told his employer my sister was looking after me. Maybe that isn't relevant.
This was going on from middle of July to the end of August and he literally only had 3 or 4 days off and took his usual week off at the beginning of the school holidays.
Sorry for babbling.

OP posts:

PersonaNonGarter · 14/04/2020 09:54

I agree that you are looking for someone to lash out at and you are in danger of doing this to your biggest support.

In the nicest possible way - Look what you have put him through. He needs to talk, and to tell people how serious this is and the severe impact it will be having on him. You have made your issues his issues.

That’s to be expected as you are married, and he could have handled things more delicately, but you really need to cool off. He is clearly doing a lot to support you. Recognise a good thing.

Staypositivepeople · 14/04/2020 09:59

That was last summer?
HAve you only just found out

dontdisturbmenow · 14/04/2020 10:01

Somewhere in between. Telling boss only, others don't need to know. Giving enough detail to give an idea of the urgency, not relating every detail.

Soontobe60 · 14/04/2020 10:02

Being the partner of someone who is as ill as you were is absolutely terrifying. I've been there! What makes it challenging is that not only are you worried sick about your partner, but you also have to try to carry on earning an income, looking after the children and generally coping with life. What you've described is an extreme illness, not just a bit of depression, rather like the difference between feeling ill with a migraine and having a brain tumour. They are both illnesses, but poles apart in severity.
By your account, this happened several months ago, and yet you're still angry about it. I'm assuming you've recovered from your mental health illness now, or are at least hopefully well in the way to recovery?
Who was it that told you what your DH had said to his employer? I'd sit down with your DH and tell him how you now feel. But also listen to how he felt at the time. Please don't judge him, he was probably doing his very best in very challenging times.

Original poster

Ritasueandbobtoo · 14/04/2020 10:07

Yes just found out how much he told them after a conversation with the Secretary.
I have put him through hell and I know he couldn't cope with me so tried to keep away and needed support. I really do feel for him and we have had lots of conversations and I have apologised profusely. I am desperately trying to make it up to him. I make sure I take my meds. Go to therapy. Eat well and exercise. Keep away from alcohol so that this never happens again but he neglected to tell me how much he said.
I just feel he looked for support in the wrong place.

OP posts:

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