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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My husband divulging too much to his boss.

85 replies

Ritasueandbobtoo · 14/04/2020 08:11

I have recently had some serious mental health issues and my husband has had to have a few days off to look after the children, maybe 3 or 4. AIBU to think that he should only have to tell his boss that he was having family issues? He has divulged every shitty detail, things that i am thoroughly ashamed of. We live in a very small village and my husband works on a private estate he told his bosses secretary aswell who has a mouth on her. I think he may have told the only other staff member there aswell. I feel so betrayed.

OP posts:
PersonaNonGarter · 14/04/2020 10:09

Please let this go. You are hurting yourself and him, and for what?

Original poster
Ritasueandbobtoo · 14/04/2020 10:10

Sorry for saying it was recent but it feels like it to me and me just finding out has made me feel absolutely shit.
He said he thought they should know.

OP posts:
ladycarlotta · 14/04/2020 10:15

This reply has been deleted

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ladycarlotta · 14/04/2020 10:17

Oh, OP, huge huge hugs. You do not have to make anything up to him. You were ill. I'm so sorry you feel such guilt.

Original poster
Ritasueandbobtoo · 14/04/2020 10:18

Yes. I need to let it go. Just feel a bit hurt about the broken promise really but he needed to do it for his emotional and mental wellbeing. I feel like he should have my back and it didn't feel like it. He is a very private person so this came as a shock. Especially telling them my sister was looking after me.
I haven't said anything to him but I know the Secretary will have. Just wanted to vent and make sure I didn't make a massive mountain out of a molehill. Will discuss with my CPN instead of causing an argument with my husband.

OP posts:
Ninkanink · 14/04/2020 10:22

Oh yes I wouldn’t forgive that. What a twat. Seriously what was he thinking??

I really would be very angry. Does he understand how badly he’s betrayed your trust? Have you told him robustly that it was wrong of him to tell your private business to all and sundry?

Ninkanink · 14/04/2020 10:23

Especially if he’s a very private person! He should have respected and protected your privacy. And yes, he should have your back.

wowjustwowyes17262 · 14/04/2020 10:25

Could it have been his way of dealing with it all at the time? It would have been a lot going on for him so maybe he wasn’t gossiping but was using it as a way to talk about the shitty time you were all going through?

Ninkanink · 14/04/2020 10:27

He still shouldn’t have been divulging details of OP’s mental ill health and difficulties! It’s no one’s business outside of their personal unit.

CrazyTimesAreOccurring · 14/04/2020 10:28

I have apologised profusely. I am desperately trying to make it up to him.

You sound like you feel you are at fault. You arent, dont keep trying to make it up to him. You have apologised, ok. You have done nothing wrong but if you keep making him feel you have then this wont improve.

My ex overshared continually. People lap up the info but rarely ever actually wanted to help. Just nosy buggers. I am the other way, keep it all inside and then have a melt down. Somewhere in between is ideal, but I suppose few people have it right

Ninkanink · 14/04/2020 10:28

Anyway, it’s done now. So talk to him and be honest that you are very angry and very disappointed that he did that. He should understand and he should apologise, and mean it.

Rabblemum · 14/04/2020 10:31

Please don’t be ashamed, shame had stopped me getting help for mental health problems. I’ve trudged on with serious anxiety and insomnia with a smile and it’s made everything worse.

I can see why you’re angry at your husband though, some people don’t understand mental health and may judge.

Your husband can’t unsay anything and he probably needed advice. Sit down and tell hubby how you feel and who your ok with knowing your business. If he’s sorry take that but if he doesn’t understand that’s a red flag.

Ninkanink · 14/04/2020 10:32

Stop apologising and trying to make it up to him, too. Honestly that’s not a healthy way of behaving. He needs to stop letting you fall all over yourself in adulation because he helped you through a difficult time - that’s what he was supposed to do!

You’ve said you’re sorry, you’ve acknowledged that it was difficult for him too. Instead of making it all about him keep focusing on getting better and staying better.

Original poster
Ritasueandbobtoo · 14/04/2020 10:35

I just feel so guilty for what I put my family through that i don't even know how I can say how I feel about the situation to him.
I am really angry and want to tell him how I feel he has betrayed me at my lowest. But I can see why he needed to tell them. but not in so much detail. And he should have told me not lied to my face.
I am still a bit paranoid and this has added to it. I can't bare to think that the Secretary has told anyone else. God i thought this was over. What do I do?

OP posts:
LittleLittleLittle · 14/04/2020 10:39

OP maybe he felt he couldn't talk to his family and friends because they know you too well or feel they do.

I've met plenty of people with serious issues who have found only acquaintances and strangers can provide the non judgemental support they feel they need.

I've been an acquaintance on the receiving end, and know others who fall into the acquaintance and stranger category who have done this as well.

Ninkanink · 14/04/2020 10:39

Guilt is not a helpful emotion. It’s okay to feel it, because it’s natural, but then you have to pack it away and stop looking back at what happened and start to live in the present and work towards the future. You can’t do that if you’re stuck in the past. You do need to speak to him, let him know how angry you are and how betrayed you feel, and set out clearly the boundaries you have about who knows your personal business. After that, and after he apologises and takes on board your points, let it go as much as you can.

CrazyTimesAreOccurring · 14/04/2020 10:41

If you had had a broken arm and he had to help more for a few weeks/months - would you keep apologising and feel guilty over and over? No. So why keep feeling guilty over something you couldnt help?

He is your husband, in sickness and in health, not just health.

Does he really know the depths of how betrayed you feel? You must tell him or this will fester and become more of a wedge between you. You have to put up with what he has done, but it doesnt mean you cant talk about how you feel with him.

millerjane · 14/04/2020 10:43

I have had similar, OP.

I've been given a cocktail of drugs to deal with my MH which have caused a lot of shameful/embarrassing behaviours (breakdown, hallucinations, paranoia, slurring, muddled thoughts). I'm openly being asked if I am going to hurt myself by friends and family

My sister shared every detail with her boyfriend and I never want to see them ever again. I'm doing my best to be kind to myself.

We're not choosing to act like this. Wishing you well.

oncemorewithfeeling99 · 14/04/2020 10:48

Sounds like him being an unsupportive, crappy husband when you needed him most is more the issue here.

Starfish1021 · 14/04/2020 10:51

I think you have two separate issues going on:

  1. The feelings related to being ‘outed’ and what people might think. Fuck that. You had a serious period of I’ll-health. If you had been intensive care, you wouldn’t be feeling this shame it’s the stigma feeding your paranoia. But what is done, is done. You can’t control what has now been said, only how you react to it. Try and take a breath and acknowledge at the end of the day, talk is talk and you have done nothing wrong.
  1. The relationship with your husband. You do not need to make up anything to him. You were seriously unwell, and he needs to see that. He did break your trust and does not sound like he always reacted in the best possible way. You have to let go of the guilt it’s only going to make you feel worse.
TheOrigBrave · 14/04/2020 10:57

I feel for you OP. I think it would have been fine for your DH to say you had complicated MH issues. Why would a boss need to know more than that?
It was wrong for your DH to use his boss to get his own worries and concerns off his chest, there are plenty of other options (his own GP, samaritans, MIND, friends).

Whatever people say, MH issues are not regarded in the same way as other health concerns.

Stillfunny · 14/04/2020 11:02

Two issues - your DH telling when you rather he didn't.

But also, your worry about being judged. This happened last summer. Has anyone shunned you or made you feel bad? No , or you would have said. Anyone with any empathy would think how great it is that you have come through that awful time.

SignOnTheWindow · 14/04/2020 11:02

@PersonaNonGarter Look what you have put him through

That really is one of the very, very worst things you could say to a person with severe mental health issues.

There are many different ways to convey that partners are impacted by the illness of a loved one - ways that don't blame the person who is ill.

Would you say to a cancer patient, "Look what you've put your partner through"?

Cherrysoup · 14/04/2020 11:05

Some posters are unfuckingbelievable! Stop making out it’s the OP’s fault. There is no way her dh should have told the boss every last detail and why did he then feel the need to speak to the secretary also? If it were a big organisation, HR would be hauling him over the coals for his slack mouth.

You need support, OP, not further torture.

SignOnTheWindow · 14/04/2020 11:13

@Ritasueandbobtoo I think that your idea to discuss your feelings with your CPN first is a really good one. It will help you to clarify everything in a safe space.

I know (from experience) that it is pretty much impossible not to feel guilty when you're still ill in this way, but you haven't 'put your family through' anything. This illness is not your fault and you are clearly engaging with the help available to you, now that you are in a position to do so.

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