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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My husband divulging too much to his boss.

85 replies

Ritasueandbobtoo · 14/04/2020 08:11

I have recently had some serious mental health issues and my husband has had to have a few days off to look after the children, maybe 3 or 4. AIBU to think that he should only have to tell his boss that he was having family issues? He has divulged every shitty detail, things that i am thoroughly ashamed of. We live in a very small village and my husband works on a private estate he told his bosses secretary aswell who has a mouth on her. I think he may have told the only other staff member there aswell. I feel so betrayed.

OP posts:
Cissyandflora · 14/04/2020 11:15

I think his mental health could have been suffering at the time of the crisis too. So perhaps that is why he talked about this so much at work. For the support. You’ll have to forgive and understand him. And definitely don’t feel ashamed when you see his colleagues. You’ve been through a huge illness and are now recovering. Well done for taking good care of yourself. (When I read your list of how you take care of yourself I was impressed-better than me!). I’ll say it again, you shouldn’t feel ashamed of being unwell.
A very dear friend of mine had an horrific time recently with a psychotic episode. She experienced a lot of the things that you did. I did not see her during this time and the family didn’t tell me. Probably through shame and shock. After she recovered they told me and I was so sad that they hadn’t come to me for support at the time. They wanted to wait for her to decide whether she wanted to talk about it with me herself. I think it’s hard to ever do the right thing but you will need to try to understand your husband. And do not feel shame! I’m sure the colleagues won’t think badly about you.

IdblowJonSnow · 14/04/2020 11:23

Oh OP. There is so much going on for you here. I totally get why you're feeling this way and would have preferred for people not to know.
Agree with PP that you haven't 'put anyone through anything'! Shit thing to say.
You cant change what's happened but you can be clear with your husband how this has made you feel.
When lockdown is over maybe counselling could help?
Hope you are feeling a hundred times better now than the very difficult place you were in last year. I've known other people go through similar. You're not alone.
Flowers

LoveIsLovely · 14/04/2020 11:30

I think it's a difficult situation but ultimately you have nothing to be ashamed of. I know it doesn't feel like that - I had severe mh problems in my 20s and I spent so much time trying to hide it and being proud of being able to pass as normal. Now I just feel like it doesn't matter. The things I did were due to my illness and that wasn't my fault and I'm not ashamed.

But I know it doesn't feel like that at the time.

TheMagiciansMewTwo · 14/04/2020 11:34

If you live in a small village then there may have been gossip about the police and social services being at the house. Perhaps he thought it was best to be honest to counteract any of the more lurid stories that people could have come up with? Also, depending on his role, your debt history could impact on him so it might have been beneficial to let them know what had happened if your debt negatively impacted his credit rating.
I understand why you feel betrayed but tbh that's your automatic reaction. Once you take time to process it, hopefully you can see that he both needs support and that by telling people the truth it might have protected your family from worse stories circulating.

MaybeDoctor · 14/04/2020 11:35

I have a family member with severe treatment-resistant mental-health issues and I do believe that it is important to talk about it fairly openly with close colleagues and friends. Otherwise how will understanding of MH ever improve? There is such a myth around 'have a cuppa/just talk to someone' being a panacea for every sort of MH problem.
If their illness is going through a peak or they are in hospital, then I will mention it.

Also, given that you live close to his workplace, that made telling the truth even more important. He couldn't have said that you were physically ill if there was a chance that they would have bumped into you or seen you locally.

TheOrigBrave · 14/04/2020 11:47

and I do believe that it is important to talk about it fairly openly with close colleagues and friends. Otherwise how will understanding of MH ever improve?

While I agree in principal (though not to the great detail the OP's DH went into), I would rather MH awareness not be improved by the people closest to me, using ME and MY health to do so.

We have awareness of e.g. bowel cancer w/o having to share intimate and personal details of our loved ones condition with colleagues.

pinkyredrose · 14/04/2020 11:47

Your husband sounds like a dishonest bastard, how dare he lie to to you that. He betrayed your trust when you were at your most vulnerable. I don't think i could ever forgive him.

PersonaNonGarter · 14/04/2020 11:56

He was taking time off to help. He needed to tell his employer what was going on. He was obviously personally distressed at the time. He didn’t handle it perfectly but, really - people who are saying they ‘could never forgive’ - look at the circumstances. Why damage a marriage and hold grievances when a lot of forgiving and moving on is required by both sides.

Savingshoes · 14/04/2020 11:58

I would feel angry and betrayed too. They cannot unhear what your DH decided to over share. How cruel, when you feel so vulnerable.
Your health is exactly that - yours. You choose who you confide in.
Flowers

HeartyGreenSalad · 14/04/2020 11:59

Agree with posters that you have nothing to feel guilty about. We all have demons we need help with
How did this come up in conversation with you and the secretary though? Or have I misread that?

Jux · 14/04/2020 12:14

It may be that your dh needed to confide in people so they would understand better what he is dealing with emotionally and can support him better.

I'm not not not criticising you, but those supporting people with MH problems need help in dealing with it, just as much as people supporting those with physical problems. I know my dh needs people to talk to as he is my carer and he feels it badly. He needs support of a different kind and he needs to be able to tell people how shitty he finds it without running the risk of hurting me or making me feel guilty by talking to me about it.

mumonthenet2 · 14/04/2020 12:15

I would talk to your therapist about the anger, resentment and broken trust.
This is a good safe space to ask how to deal with this.

A secretary who goes about gossiping would not go far gossiping about a very private matter.
If she does I would seek out a formal complaint as it was told during work.
We all have demons and not up to someone's standard it's time to not care so much. Because you are taking steps to help yourself.

Apple1029 · 14/04/2020 12:27

The thing is you are making it up to him after this all happened , while he told everyone when he was going through it.
It must have been hell for you, but just as much for him and your children.
You might have seen him as being unsupportive but he could have been under immense stress. From what you have described it sounds horrific.
It's happened now, just focus on getting well again. If people gossip about a person who is mentally unwell then that says alot about them.

Bowerbird5 · 14/04/2020 12:32

I would be upset at that too. He could have just said you were having health problems and needed his support.

Mental health issues are much more understood now than in the past and therefore people may be more supportive than you think. You may find that someone in the village offers you lots of support. It can come from the most surprising people.

You have a young baby so your hormones will be all over the place I hope you get the help and support you need and you recover soon.

Xiaoxiong · 14/04/2020 12:44

Another thought - if this happened last July/August, and you didn't realise till now that anyone knew the details, I think that should prove pretty conclusively that the secretary didn't blab it all over. You would have heard about it months ago if that was the case. So hopefully that puts your mind at rest about the gossip at least.

lmcneil003 · 14/04/2020 12:45

Concentrate on getting yourself better. Not what others think of you.

gingermint · 14/04/2020 13:20

He wasn't very supportive during this and has given them the impression of the doting husband and father

He let you down and has been two-faced and manipulative.

I asked him not to tell them everything and he promised he wouldn't.

He broke his promise and betrayed your trust.

He left me at home with my 3 month old whilst suicidal when the crisis team came for my daily visit with meds they called him to come home immediately.

This was shitty behaviour on his part. He let both you and your child down. He wasn't there for you when you and your child most needed him.

@oncemorewithfeeling99
Sounds like him being an unsupportive , crappy husband when you needed him most is the issue here.

Absolutely.
I feel angry on your behalf.

Original poster
Ritasueandbobtoo · 14/04/2020 14:35

Thankyou everyone it means alot.
The Secretary asked if social services and the police were still in touch, she had called me to make sure I was coping with everything going on.
I think I am being overly paranoid, it's probably because I know how much everyone lives in each other's pockets round here.
Yes I should focus on myself and getting rid of this guilt but I am really pissed off that he lied. It's done now can't take it back just going to see what my CPN says.
I'm not ashamed of having a mental illness, I'm ashamed of what I've done. I'm still bipolar ( and the rest) but I don't do horrific things because I'm medicated now. I don't mind people knowing, I jyst don't think they need all the terrible details.
And no one saw the police as far as I'm aware it was 3 in the morning and social services came in a normal car.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 14/04/2020 15:21

@Cherrysoup

If it were a big organisation, HR would be hauling him over the coals for his slack mouth.

They wouldn't. I've worked in large organisations in HR for years...he's not committed any disciplinary offence here.

If the boss breached confidentiality and told others, then there would be a case to answer.

In this case, the employee has volunteered information about his wife.... he wouldn't get any negative outcome from his employers for that.

Saying family issues wouldn't be sufficient, but he didn't need to divulge as much as he did.

Saying mental health issues would have been enough, but perhaps he needed someone to talk to. I wouldn't be impressed either, if my H did this, but I'm quite a private person.

From what you've said, your doesn't sound overly supportive.

Cherrysoup · 14/04/2020 15:26

@SandyY2K I find that really disappointing. In schools, ime, if someone were to give so much detail to someone irrelevant, they’d be spoken to and the secretary who then told the OP would have definitely been given a talking to.

timeisnotaline · 14/04/2020 15:27

Hmmm I’d quite like to ask him how he’d feel if next call I told the secretary he lied about my sister being here , left me with the baby and could hardly bear to be home. Or is it ok to share your truth and not his?
But yes he did need to share more than ‘family issues’. It does bother me he left you with the baby, is he usually a better dad and husband than that? I suggest you stop apoligising. It’s last year, I’m sure it was very difficult for him but it was even harder for you, and he wasn’t a paragon of support.

BettyBetts · 14/04/2020 15:32

Absolutely hate it when O/H shares too much private detail. I’d be fuming so no doubt it hasn’t helped your mental well-being. He may have needed to talk but this sounds like a time when your needs should have been a priority

HopeYouStepOnALego · 14/04/2020 15:36

I think your husband overshared. I can understand him telling his boss, but not sure why he felt the need to tell the secretary and possibly the other member of staff. Hopefully the secretary knows that they would be in a whole heap of trouble if they gossiped about someone's private information outside of the workplace. It sounds as though the secretary was well intentioned contacting you to make sure you were coping ok with the current situation. I'd take comfort from that that their heart is in the right place. Take care of yourself OP Flowers.

SandyY2K · 14/04/2020 15:37

The Secretary asked if social services and the police were still in touch, she had called me to make sure I was coping with everything going on.

It was none of her business to call you. You're not her employee...how dare she. I think she just wanted you to know that she knew.

Stupid woman she is.

Darbs76 · 14/04/2020 15:43

I’m a manager and I wouldn’t expect all the details. Family problems is enough - if they want to tell me great. I’ll support them, if not I respect that