Partner wants me to leave

[immrmeeseeks]

I'm a community palliative care nurse, I work overnight shifts with one patient overnight. We have been redeployed due to Coronavirus and I am now working alongside the district nursing team doing multiple visits a shift to end of life and covid patients.

My partner feels that I am now at high risk of contracting the virus and wants me to move out for the duration to protect him and our children, he is not a hands on parent and I don't think would cope with the kids for a couple of days, never mind weeks, we have good Ppe and will be in patient houses for the minimum amount of time, I do accept that my risk of catching the virus is heightened though, do you think he has a point and is valid on his asking me to leave?

He has Asthma, I think he's right, sorry.
Is there anywhere you could go for a while?
A teacher on our street has sent her kids to gp's since lockdown as she is still teaching and worried about taking the virus home.

My son has asthma, if I didn’t have pre-existing health conditions and my partner worked in a healthcare setting he wouldn’t be living with us until it was safe for him to do so.

Lots of healthcare staff are no longer living with their family to keep their family safe, places are offering free or very cheap housing for healthcare staff.

"There's also a lack of respect for you as the person with better skills and knowledge to assess the risk."

I disagree with that. Each person evaluates the risk for his/himself. The partner is the best one to decide what level of risk he's willing to take for himself.

"A teacher on our street has sent her kids to gp's since lockdown as she is still teaching and worried about taking the virus home."

I hope they're young grandparents then. You shouldn't send kids to stay with old people.

I disagree with that. Each person evaluates the risk for his/himself. The partner is the best one to decide what level of risk he's willing to take for himself.

Ok, I accept that and stand corrected. But that means he gets to decide to leave himself, not bar his partner from the house.

While I realise it may be different in different places, there is no free accommodation for nurses to move into where I am. I don't think this is as widely available as pp think.

I also thing that the op having no contact with her dc for a prolonged period (say 3 months or more) would have a huge impact on the dc's wellbeing, and any potential risk needs to be weighed against that.

Hmm this is very difficult. I sway towards thinking your dp is right after reading all of your updates.
I know of a few health care professionals who have moved out of the family home or the family have moved elsewhere.

I think worrying about his parenting skills is an important factor. I also think that your dc are going through enough already, with the upheaval, it wouldn't be fair to them for you to move out emotionally, they need you being there. So I think he is being UR about you moving out. I understand the worries about risk though.

Although I understand his worries, I do also agree with a pp that you would be better placed to measure the risk.

I think if he has asthma he is right to be concerned. I think you need to distance yourself as best you can. I have a hospital doctor friend in similar situation to you. Her husband is high risk. They are currently not sharing a bedroom or bathroom, and she is using a separate area of the kitchen. He is looking after the kids while also trying to work from home. They have agreed that if either one of them shows signs that person will leave..they are trying to figure out though where they would go. Maybe this would be a compromise if you have space at home?

", there is no free accommodation for nurses to move into where I am. I"

How do you know? Have you asked? People post on FB that they're willing to offer or that they're looking so how would you know unless you've searched.

"that means he gets to decide to leave himself, not bar his partner from the house."

Yes, but I suppose he's thinking of the children too, though I agree with you that the risk of suffering for being without their primary carer has to be balanced with the health risk so that would be a joint decision.

"I do also agree with a pp that you would be better placed to measure the risk."

Each adult decides how much risk they're willing to take. It's not for someone else to decide for them that they will place them at risk.

@immrmeeseeks IF you do decide to stay somewhere please contact your staffing coordinator for ITU (if you don't have one then it would be your managed who can put you in touch with someone) I am the Medical Staffing coordinator for my local trust and currently working with ITU. Accommodation is usually available in the form of hotels or we have a local college now who are offering and even the normal staff accommodation are taking bookings. There is more than likely going to be somewhere for you to stay. Thank you for your service

@Gwenhwyfar Each adult decides how much risk they're willing to take. It's not for someone else to decide for them that they will place them at risk I don't think anyone has contradicted this - I meant risk in relation to the children, and my posts generally were more about the dc's needs rather than the husband's. Having said that, although I agree that "each adult decides for themselves" I would expect that a HCP's expressed view is going to be highly relevant to them forming a decision. It is a horrible situation to be in, for all of them.

I would expect that a HCP's expressed view is going to be highly relevant to them forming a decision.

Yes, but not their partner who clearly doesn't want to move out of the family home for a period. I'm not doubting the OP's decency but she is clearly not neutral in this situation.

I would absolutely move out, OP, if you have somewhere to go.

Just clarify first whether he expects you to still arrange childcare, cook, clean etc.

Is he genuinely expecting you to move out, or does he think you will quit/take a break from your job?

Perhaps call his bluff (which I think it may be, do you?) and start looking for somewhere to stay?

I think to get some perspective the questions here should be -

• Should all frontline hcps move out of their family homes to avoid risking their children and partners?
• Should a partner with asthma's needs be put before the dc's needs?

Also in my experience where a woman "has concerns" about their dh's parenting skills, that is usually a very understated code for "my dh is shite at putting the dc's needs first and is not remotely a responsible parent"!! This doesn't mean I don't care about men's health. It is more that I would be less certain that he is putting dc's needs first.