Partner wants me to leave

[immrmeeseeks]

I'm a community palliative care nurse, I work overnight shifts with one patient overnight. We have been redeployed due to Coronavirus and I am now working alongside the district nursing team doing multiple visits a shift to end of life and covid patients.

My partner feels that I am now at high risk of contracting the virus and wants me to move out for the duration to protect him and our children, he is not a hands on parent and I don't think would cope with the kids for a couple of days, never mind weeks, we have good Ppe and will be in patient houses for the minimum amount of time, I do accept that my risk of catching the virus is heightened though, do you think he has a point and is valid on his asking me to leave?

I couldn't agree more with him to be honest.

If he's normally a decent partner, who shows you respect, I would consider he may have valid concerns and see if it's possible to do a role, that's not patient facing at the moment.

Ah okay. It does sound like he’s genuinely scared then. I would have a sit down with him and really discuss the practicalities of moving out. Could you afford it? Where would you go? Is there anything else you could do to make him feel better about you staying there? Just hear him out and see if you can find a resolution.

@thedancingbear bless your cotton socks

The amount of people I have had coughing and sneezing on me or their food on the belt, licking their fingers before handing me their money, literally pushing me out the way, leaning over me to get something on a shelf, kids running up to staff on their knees sorting shelves and asking them questions while the parents laugh indulgently, its a wonder more shop staff have not come down with it.

Many people seem to lose all concept of distance when in a shop.
We had no PPE, not even gloves, no hand gel unless we brought our own until about 3 weeks ago and certainly no screens.

I am not minimising ops job but not all nhs staff can find somewhere else to live at the drop of a hat, nor afford to rent another place. Not all of OPs patients have Covid, she isnt in a ward full of patients with Covid.

I am sure op is taking every precaution with her work and at home and I am also sure that if op thought her husband was very vulnerable due to his asthma she wouldnt be on here she would be making her own decision.

Is the OP going to take her kids to the Covid-19 ward?
OP doesnt work on a ward. Not all her patients have Covid.

Haven't been round here long have you?
Since God was a boy.

If you have nowhere to go, then you can't leave.

Asthma UK has lists on their website to determine if asthma is bad enough to require shielding.
We have a similar situation with asthma not bad enough to require shielding and it hasn't crossed our minds for the worker to move out. I think it's very easy for people to panic urn-necessarily and quite understandable.

I would suggest you agree to it if
A) he organises your accommodation and
B) you wrote down the daily/weekly work/chores around the house and children and he agrees to it.
I suspect if he isn't hands on the. After reading your list he might change his mind!

It’s tough. I have asthma and the idea of getting covid terrifies me, I don’t think ok technically severe but my immune system isn’t great and I usually have at least 2 periods of sickness a year from work with chest infections. My husband is the same and we both self isolated 4 weeks ago. I get anxious if I have to go out for the slightest thing and interrogate him if he goes to a shop etc. I’m not a normally anxious person but a potentially deadly respiratory illness is terrifying to me with asthma.

Could they “shield” within your house by having separate rooms/bathrooms? Can you change clothes before you even set foot in the house and immediately shower?

I do understand his concern but I also really feel for you OP.

thedancingbear is spot on

Everything is obviously very heightened, but to be fair he probably has a point. Take a step back, breathe and see what you can arrange between you. It won’t be forever. 💐

Him giving you an ultimatum isn't on at all.

It might have been a discussion worth having, but him telling you to quit your job or move out, isn't coming from a place of live & care, not for you & not for your children. I don't think you moving out & not seeing two pre teens & a toddler is in their interest at all. You say you have good PPE & I'm sure you're sensible enough to take all precautions when you go home.

I'd tell him he can accept my risk assessment of my job with regard to my children (& him) or he can leave. Twat. Hopefully you can access keyworker childcare for the kids.

Thank you SO, SO, much for the job you do, not only right now, but all the time. It take someone very special to do your job 🌷

AmelieTaylor, did you read the bit (oddly not mentioned in the OP) that says he has a pre-existing lung condition?

He doesn’t sound lovely to be honest.

Just say you have no where to go, but he can move out.

Assume you couldn’t say this to him either ( I’ve meet bullies)

He is. Selfish and should support you.

Can your parents put you and the children up. ?

Thank you @AmelieTaylor, that made me a bit teary, I think his reaction is coming from a place of fear though which is why I'm asking for opinions on here, god knows I would be quite happy to pull up the drawbridge and stay in our bubble but that's not why I work in the field I do

The menu know, can be horrible, it would excuse, if not another.

He doesn’t love you enough, like a normal person would.

His family will always support him and not you.

Whatever happens, don’t forget this later.........

Men, can be horrible if it were not one excuse, it would be another

What you're doing is no different to a community carer who are also working with EOL and Covid clients. None of them are moving out but some are off work if they live with somebody who is in the high risk group.
It's a time of high anxiety for all of us who are out there working at the moment. I understand your husband's anxiety, however you are the professional and need to risk assess your own situation.

I think that he's being sensible. Regardless of underlying issues and severity, people are dying. Prevention is obviously preferable.

If you can find alternative accommodation this would be safer for your family. And probably a good opportunity for your husband to be more of a hands on, involved father.

Yeah, I understand where he's coming from. I'd be scared too, especially if I had children in the home as well. It sucks though. It all does.

That's not really accurate - there's loads of accommodation being made available to doctors and nurses who are working on the COVID wards
Accommodation is available to prevent an employee having to self isolate due to a family member having symptoms or due to a family member being ‘shielded’ but not ‘vulnerable’

he doesn't understand why I'd want to bring the risk into our little bubble

He really doesn’t get it, does he? I don’t want to risk DH, who is being shielded but we are desperate for RNs too and there’s a lot of people who need me.

The French have extended their lockdown until at least 11th May, so I would think it’s reasonable that we do similar. However, even passed that point, Covid is still going to be a massive threat, and you in particular will be at risk, I suppose until a vaccine is ready. I would keep the family together but it is a very difficult situation.

My friend is a dn band 6 doing the dn course she is getting better from it now all the team caught it in fact. She lives at home with mum and dad and they didnt catch it so dont worry x

If he's the one at risk why isn't he moving out?

Or are you just expected to not see your children, not live in your own home whilst quite literally saving people's lives?

I appreciate that he has asthma however you moving out of the family home is not the solution. Where exactly are you supposed to go?

What he's asking is excessive compared to what most people in this position are doing. Some NHS and perhaps other caring staff (though I haven't even really heard of that happening at all) are living out if they have a loved one in an at risk group. Most people aren't moving out otherwise I don't think.

But what you do is up to you. Maybe he should move out. Kids aren't particularly at risk from this virus.