Partner wants me to leave

[immrmeeseeks]

I'm a community palliative care nurse, I work overnight shifts with one patient overnight. We have been redeployed due to Coronavirus and I am now working alongside the district nursing team doing multiple visits a shift to end of life and covid patients.

My partner feels that I am now at high risk of contracting the virus and wants me to move out for the duration to protect him and our children, he is not a hands on parent and I don't think would cope with the kids for a couple of days, never mind weeks, we have good Ppe and will be in patient houses for the minimum amount of time, I do accept that my risk of catching the virus is heightened though, do you think he has a point and is valid on his asking me to leave?

FWIW dh has asthma we both had it but I got it slightly worse, I don’t think mild asthma on its own makes any difference, it might make him have a slightly tougher ride if he got the stage he couldn’t get enough oxygen on board to keep his organs going but that is a Huge if. Most people never hit that point as you’ll already know. The point here is he will almost certainly contract the virus at some point even if he doesn’t get it via you so It’s likely he’ll send you to who knows where, for who knows how long only to catch it anyway, and then he is stuck being unwell with kids to look after alone.

Where I work (NHS frontline nurse) we have all been offered alternative accommodation if we want it. I have declined, there's only me and DH at home and he is in good health. I can get to and from work on foot, so no pubic transport or driving. The people who have moved out of their homes are those living with others with significant health issues, including children and elderly parents.

You have to do what is right for you, OP, and if your partner is anxious and scared you may bring the virus home, then maybe it's what you should do.

It's an unprecedented situation, and it's a difficult one. I'm not sure I would have wanted to leave home when my children were small.

I am a nurse - I have asthma - use a preventer and reliever inhaler only. Have not had a hospital admission in the last 12 months, nor have I been on oral steroids in the last 12 months although have had an asthma attack within last 6 months. I am still working and expected to keep working unless I develop symptoms myself.

My son also has asthma - again on preventer and reliever.

I now wear scrubs at work so obviously get changed before coming home - I wipe down my shoes before I leave, and again when I get home, everything gets taken off and put into a bin bag by the door so I can take it straight through to washing machine - coat/bag and shoes get put in a different black bin bag and left in porch.

Phone is in a sandwich bag when out, so removed and scrubbed down with a dettol wipe when get home.

I then go have a shower and put on clean clothes before the kids come near me.

It is about reducing the risk.

Mind you, what has caused mine and my sons asthma to worsen in the last few weeks is the amount of ppl by us having daily BBQs or bonfires! Feels like the air has been full of smoke for days.

I’m a nurse and three of my colleagues who are working with Covid patients have made the decision to separate themselves from their family.

One of them has left the family home, and the other two have sent their children to go and live with other family members.

It’s an awful situation but they aren’t prepared risk passing on the virus to their partners and children.

I don’t work in a high-risk area (though that may change next week) so don’t have to worry about risks like that. However, if I do get redeployed to a Covid ward then I will seriously consider whether it’s safer for me to move out.

I've got to say that the idea of telling a front line worker to move out of the family home (to where?) and not see partner kids possibly for months feels all sorts of wrong.

My SIL's kids are living with us for the duration. She works in ICU and the majority of the team she works with are either living in accommodation away from their families or their families are living elsewhere

I'm a student nurse, I know of a nurse that has borrowed a relatives caravan, parked it on her driveway and she is living in the caravan. She still see's her kids & husband she speaks to them either via facetime or the kids stand at the door step and she stands at the end of the drive. It's not ideal but it's a better alternative than sending her kids away.

There was some woman on the news talking about the effect fear has on the brain, it stops people being able to think rationally. It has been quite shocking to me how many people have just lost their minds during all this. Covid 19 is part of our world forever now, no point living in fear, it won’t go away. We can slow the infection rate so no one dies because of lack of available medical assistance but we can’t stop it. I think there are still a lot of people who think they can just wait it out and it’ll go away.

lots of hotels are offer accommodation to NHS staff.
Treading carefully but it did sound as though you dismissed his parenting straight away .
He might want to take the reins at home on his own for 2 reasons to protect himself but also work at the moment for you will be on a different level taking all the pressure of Homelife off you to make that side of things easier for you .

For clarity, my SIL hasn’t easily chosen to send her kids away

She’s a single parent. Her choice once schools and her regular childcare was removed (shielding elderly grandparent who couldn’t possibly have the kids full time) was quit work or work and let the kids come to us

I think that he's being sensible. Regardless of underlying issues and severity, people are dying

Did you not read the OP? Her patients are dying, that why she feels a duty of care towards them as well as feeling protective towards her family, that’s what being a nurse is all about.

If I did was was just best for me and my family I wouldn’t leave the house instead of heading off to work tomorrow.

You can't blame him - his concerns are very very real.
Good luck and thank you for the work you do 💐

If the genders were reversed, we'd be saying the man needs to stay away to protect the children.
We all need to look at our prejudices.

I have mild asthma and have been off work with chest infections at least once a year. I am not overly anxious about risk generally but for Covid cautious and I completely understand how scared he might feel.

I get that it's going to be around for a while so there's no long term solution. What if you move out if you can until lockdown / community infection has reduced / he gets fed up with the kids?

As I say, men's physical and mental health doesn't count.

You have a cause to flog, and you're going to flog it, regardless of facts or relevance.
You've already had someone who directly contradicts this on this actual thread, and I'm absolutely certain she's not the only one.

In a way, I can sort of understand he is worried because of his asthma but expecting you to move out is unreasonable. It's about minimizing the risk which you are doing already.

If he's so concerned, can he not move out instead?

As an aside, the community palliative care team and district nurses supported my family when my Nana was dying(she didn't have coronavirus). She died the day our lockdown started. I will be eternally grateful to the nurses like you who came to her home to care for her (and support us as a family!). You are truly special people and I thank you for all you do

I would say there is virtually no risk to your kids and very little risk to him. I am working in an acute hospital and have to see patients who are Covid 19 positive. I have asthma and have a symbicort inhaler on 4 puffs daily. You have to have fairly severe asthma with periods of hospitalisation to be considered risky. I do have 3 members of staff on my team whose partners are trying to get them to resign their jobs. It is normally due to not studying the actual facts. Any one of us working in healthcare is at risk daily due to transmittable diseases of and this is no different. Stay living at home and try and reassure him.

"@vanillandhoney OK fair enough, but there are still many who haven’t got that option"

The options ARE there. There are plenty of people making accommodation available for NHS workers who don't want to risk infecting their families. I'm not saying OP should move out, but I think she could if she wanted to.

We live in a major Scottish city. Airbnb and actual b+b owners are offering free accommodation to people in this situation.

If someone has asthma they are in the at risk group. But as @vdbfamily implied, you have to have severe asthma to be considered severely at risk/in the shielded group.

I have well controlled asthma and I wouldn't fancy having it tbh! It does take me a bit longer to shake off a respiratory bug than most people.

But if I had a partner I don't think I'd make them live out over it.

Thank you all for your messages, a real mixed bag and a lot to think over, resigning is not an option, I am dedicated to my job and the good we do but I don't want to dismiss my partners fears out of hand so we need to find a way to make this work, someone suggested a caravan which as we have a lot of land around us may work, just an awful time for everyone and the pull between serving your patients and protecting your family is so hard

He sounds really scared OP . I don't think he is in the wrong tbh. Could you practice social distancing at home. I realise that would be very difficult but it seems awful for you to live away. I don't know what the answer is tbh. I had to special Meningitis patients & Haemophilus influenza type B patients etc when l was nursing but l used to strip off in work and shower and wash my hair before l went home , bagged my clothes up and put them straight on a boil wash. It was still very worrying. Good luck with whatever you decide & well done on the excellent work you are doing

I'm living in a camper van on the drive and will be for the foreseeable. I admit not everyone has these options though.

Everyone suggesting he leave. He's the one who can stay with the kids. If he left, who would take care of the children??

I am sure he is scared. But his reaction to that fear is to reject his partner, and that isn't comfortable.

I'm a nurse, and do chose to build a life with me. That means he shares some of my risk. Nurses cannot just walk out of their jobs at times like this.

The uncomfortable but for me is the inference that if you do get ill he won't be endangering himself to care for you.

There's also a lack of respect for you as the person with better skills and knowledge to assess the risk.

I think a lot depends on how severe his asthma is. Is it currently well controlled with medication or does he often have flare ups? If it's relatively mild then I think he is understandably frightened (speaking as someone with mild asthma) but you don't need to move out.