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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To judge friend for one night stand

118 replies

RuaBeag · 13/04/2020 11:48

I just want to emphasize that I do t usually make a habit of judging women for their sexual behavior.

Friend I grew up with is a midwife and always been man mad. She’s had to leave her DC and go live on hospital grounds due to risk to her older family members, during this time she met up with her recent ex and stayed at his a few times. The accommodation on the hospital grounds is awful, like a cell. So I put it down to this but still raised my concerns.

A local glam hotel has put them up now instead and she’s just told me she’s had a guy she met from tinder over to stay last night and also had the ex over a couple of times.

I’m so angry at how irresponsible she is (or is she?) her other friends and colleagues don’t seem to be raising an eyebrow.

I’ve also lost two non immediate family members to Covid19 so I may be projecting my anger. I wanted to get a more reasoned opinion.

OP posts:

idontsmokeivape · 13/04/2020 16:37

OP, I didn't read anything judgmental into your description of your friend as man-mad. I read it as context-setting. The posters who are insisting on chastising you really ought to take a lot at themselves. Why are they so touchy?

I would be really furious at my friend if she was flouting guidelines so recklessly when she is dealing with vulnerable newborns and expectant mothers. I wouldn't want her anywhere near me or my baby. If she was just inviting her female friends over for drinks and a laugh at the hotel, I would feel the same way.

She has a position of trust and responsibility and she is behaving like the silliest of young teens. I can see why you are angry.

AnnUumellemahaye · 13/04/2020 16:42

Honestly this place is mad sometimes. Just this morning there was a thread where the OP saw two neighbours chatting on the pavement at the end of her driveway. Because she is shielding due to cancer she decided they were too close to her house, so she went outside and told them to go away. She was told she was a total legend/ hero, even though they are nowhere near her until she went outside.

Meanwhile, an NHS worker shags two random blokes in a week while the TV and internet is full of videos and news reports featuring NHS staff practically begging us to take this seriously, stay at home and socially distance from our own friends and families. Yet she can shag a couple of virtual strangers and we are told to mind our own business and not be so judgey.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 13/04/2020 16:48

@Ann. There is a lot of one rule for one another rule for another on here. I have definitely noticed that.

2 people can start a thread about virtually the same thing. One will be roasted and the other will be a Saint. Not only is it confusing it’s also highly annoying.

SunshineCake · 13/04/2020 16:57

People who want to look after people, then have a fatalistic attitude due to the scariness of the corona virus then change completely to not caring about killing others ?

*@RuaBeag if what you say is true, and I am not doubting you, then you have a duty to pass on your concerns. A friend or relative of yours could give birth and be treated by her and infected and believe me, I've had a moderate case and one really doesn't want this. I'm still not fully recovered.

TheVanguardSix · 13/04/2020 16:57

I'm sorry but your friend does have a duty of care here which she's not upholding. She can't just cherry-pick certain aspects of her patient responsibility. Not in the midst of a pandemic. If it were any other time, I'd be like "Whatever! Do what you like." But these are not such times and your friend is being totally thoughtless and irresponsible. Enormous pressure is not an excuse. A reason for her choices, yes. But not an excuse for them. They are, under our current circumstances, bad choices. She should know better.

ZoeCM · 13/04/2020 17:13

@AnnUumellemahaye - there's a segment of MN that bristles whenever the practical implications of casual sex are brought up. I think it's because society in general is so judgmental of women who sleep around, so some assume any criticism is intended as slut-shaming. I've seen MN threads in which an OP has admitted to cheating on her partner, and the posters who've told her she needs an STI test have been accused by others of "wanting to punish her for cheating".

carriebreadshaw · 13/04/2020 17:18

I don't think OP is judgey at all. It would have been a dull and pointless thread if she'd just said "my friend had someone round her house". There needs to be context.

carriebreadshaw · 13/04/2020 17:23

In all seriousness I wonder if she may be a sex addict... I'm starting to wonder about that re my friend I mentioned at the start of the thread. Again (before anyone loses their mind!) in normal circumstances I wouldn't think anything of the sort but of the need for sex is greater than protecting yourself from the pandemic is that great then maybe there is a problem.

On the other hand, plenty have unprotected sex with strangers knowing the risks so maybe it's just the whole sex thing makes us do silly things

AnnUumellemahaye · 13/04/2020 19:13

This isn't like during the war,where people lived for the moment and thre caution to the wind in case a bomb dropped on them tomorrow

I bet that’s exactly what it’s like if you work in healthcare. You see your colleagues going down with it like flies and just think “You’re a long time dead”.

Yes, in terms of them being very aware of their own mortality of course, but the difference is you have no control over whether a bomb drops on you, and if it did you wouldn’t be responsible for your death or anyone else’s.

On the other hand, do have at least some control over whether you leave yourself potentially exposed yourself to catching the virus. Just because you work in a high risk environment already doesn’t explain or excuse deliberately putting yourself at further risk and possibly being responsible for the death of others you might then transmit it to. So no, it’s not the same at all.

ZoeCM · 13/04/2020 21:39

Agreed. This isn't comparable to the war. The posts comparing them actually remind me of a Twitter exchange I read in which someone said "We didn't even close the pubs during World War II", and another replied "That's because you couldn't CATCH the Blitz!"

Goatinthegarden · 14/04/2020 07:24

This thread got totally derailed by all the people completely missing the point.

So, continuing the theme of totally missing the point, my friend was once invited by a Grindr match to go round for ‘Netflix and Nibbles’. He was apparently naive enough to turn up on the doorstep with a shopping bag full of Doritos, salsa, ice cream and Coca Cola.....

Only to be greeted by a fully naked, and aroused, man who was bemused to have be taken so literally.

AnnUumellemahaye · 14/04/2020 07:37

Yes Goa it totally did. If the OP had posted that her friend was mixing with strangers by starting a new hobby club this week of all weeks and hosting several ‘get to know you’ coffee mornings we’d have seen a different set of responses entirely.

But try to ever suggest that a woman has been irresponsible where sex is concerned and all hell breaks loose in a desperate bid to defend her.

TimeForDinnerDinnerDinner · 14/04/2020 07:50

Yeah, YANBU.

I find the Thursday night NHS clap slightly galling sometimes for the reason that the healthcare staff I know of have been merrily rule flouting. Particularly in mind are people I know IRL who are NHS staff, who have been mixing households as well as breaking other lockdown rules, then on Facebook been praised to the heavens for their work. Grrrrrr.

Your friend, moreso than the average person, should and does know better. I shudder to think how many lives she's put at risk with her stupid, selfish actions

Goatinthegarden · 14/04/2020 07:55

I’ve had a few fairly irresponsible hook-ups in my 20s. If I wasn’t married, I’d probably be right up for the odd Tinder encounter. As a general rule, I would never judge anyone for what they choose to do with another, consenting, adult.

But I think that what this midwife is doing, is actually abhorrent.

AnnUumellemahaye · 14/04/2020 08:05

Same.

DeeCeeCherry · 14/04/2020 08:15

You didn't have to mention she'd been with 2 men. It's the non-houshold contact especially due to her job, that's the issue. Also labelling her man-mad is not on. You are judgemental and you mentioned her sex life as you want her to be judged very harshly. You also know this is a Daily Mail story in the making. Hope she doesn't read it and recognise herself.

AnnUumellemahaye · 14/04/2020 08:26

Also labelling her man-mad is not on.

I don't agree. Some women are man mad, to the detriment of everything and everybody else around them. They will literally prioritise their love life or their sex life above everything else, even when it's causing damage, because they feel entitled to it.

It's not just straight women with men. It's all sorts of people. But in this particular case it is a straight woman with men.

Ronnie27 · 14/04/2020 08:43

FWIW I don’t think you’re judging her for her sexual behaviour just her utter irresponsibility which I would be too.

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