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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To judge friend for one night stand

118 replies

RuaBeag · 13/04/2020 11:48

I just want to emphasize that I do t usually make a habit of judging women for their sexual behavior.

Friend I grew up with is a midwife and always been man mad. She’s had to leave her DC and go live on hospital grounds due to risk to her older family members, during this time she met up with her recent ex and stayed at his a few times. The accommodation on the hospital grounds is awful, like a cell. So I put it down to this but still raised my concerns.

A local glam hotel has put them up now instead and she’s just told me she’s had a guy she met from tinder over to stay last night and also had the ex over a couple of times.

I’m so angry at how irresponsible she is (or is she?) her other friends and colleagues don’t seem to be raising an eyebrow.

I’ve also lost two non immediate family members to Covid19 so I may be projecting my anger. I wanted to get a more reasoned opinion.

OP posts:
JinglingHellsBells · 13/04/2020 14:00

One thing that appalls me is we are all doing our best to avoid passing this around, by staying away from loved ones (me- my children and my very elderly Mum).

Yet here is a HCP not giving a toss, so to speak.

It's not like living in a war where you might be blown up or shot and never have sex again so you take what you can and when you can.

This is about control of a virus, spread directly through transmission.

QuacksInTheDark · 13/04/2020 14:03

I don’t think you needed to reference her sexual behaviour at all. All you needed to say is that she’s having visitors to her accommodation against lockdown rules. Makes me think it’s her sexual behaviour that bothers you more to be honest and you’re trying to paint it as corona concerns when mostly you’re just judgemental and don’t want to admit it.

DeathByBoredom · 13/04/2020 14:04

Yep, NurseButtercup you vastly over estimated the average man's sense of self preservation vs chance of having a shag there!

Griselda1 · 13/04/2020 14:07

Wartime experience was that one night stands and promiscuity were quite common but there's very obvious reasons why that shouldn't be happening now.

Original poster
RuaBeag · 13/04/2020 14:09

Trust me it’s not her sexual behavior that bothers me at all that’s why I left marital details etc.

I said glam hotel because it’s such an upgrade from the hovel she had been first forced to sleep (thus wanting to escape to her exes as it really was a dive) now she has her own, nice space but is still taking risks was my point.

I dont understand those who refuse to take people at their word here. Man mad being a slur is utterly ridiculous. Again it was to highlight that she’s not obviously having some sort of mental breakdown which is what I’ve seen suggested on here when people act out of character.

OP posts:
Coffeecak3 · 13/04/2020 14:09

@Waveysnail. She’s a midwife in close contact with mothers and babies! I think her patients would judge her if they knew. It’s scary enough having a baby atm.

EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 13/04/2020 14:11

NurseButtercup

The wrath of God, fear of losing your partner/family, fear of losing your life, concerns of passing on a virus or disease, fear of being ostracised by family or society, fear of unwanted pregnancy

Nothing has stopped people having sex when they feel attracted to each other and want to - be it religious rules say they shouldn’t or common sense or commitment to another it will always happen

A lock down (that isn’t particularly harsh compared to other countries) certainly won’t or a virus

Still the men seem to be getting off lightly with all the judgement that is going on ffs one even had a family (not the op’ friend)

Thisisworsethananticpated · 13/04/2020 14:11

Well she is dicing with the health of her
One night stands

She clearly doesn’t have much respect for them
But in the other hand she can’t see her family and is working whilst we all get fat at home
So I don’t know , really I don’t know

But ..... I’d have more compassion than anger
She sounds messed up

SharonasCorona · 13/04/2020 14:13

‘Man mad’ is just a more polite version of ‘sex mad’ which is definitely judgemental OP. Maybe you don’t even realise.

Original poster
RuaBeag · 13/04/2020 14:14

Why do you consider being sex mad to be a bad thing @SharonasCorona?

OP posts:
SharonasCorona · 13/04/2020 14:16

I didn’t say it was a bad thing, OP. I said you’re judging her for it. There’s a difference. Even the opening line of your post says you’re judging her.

Original poster
RuaBeag · 13/04/2020 14:18

I’m judging her for the possible spread of a deadly virus when she’s a frontline worker with pregnant women and newborn babies.

And my post was because I wasn’t sure if I was being OTT and some posts have definitely given me food for thought.

Yours are just trying to flog an imaginary dead horse. I won’t hate women or judge women who like sex, you’re the one who seems to be drawing negative connotations about that.

OP posts:
SharonasCorona · 13/04/2020 14:21

Why have you not acknowledged that she can get CV just from sitting next to him and eating sweeties? Why bring sex into this?

Original poster
RuaBeag · 13/04/2020 14:23

Why should I not describe the situation as accurately as I can? Why would I omit details because they defend you?

OP posts:
JinglingHellsBells · 13/04/2020 14:24

why are so many posters attacking the OP for phrases like 'man mad'?
She used it to give some context.

That being that her friend has a voracious sexual appetite, (nowt wrong with that) BUT in the present circs she is not prepared to curb it in the event of public health and her own.

It's not judgy - it's a fact.

It's also focusing on the side issues rather than the real one which is as a HCP she is putting the public at risk.

Imagine if the drs and nurses who care for patients in ICU bonk strangers all night long and then risk infecting their patient.
It's the same.

Macncheeseballs · 13/04/2020 14:25

Because that would be a strange story. Friend inviting strangers back to hotel room to eat crisps

Macncheeseballs · 13/04/2020 14:25

*response to sharonas

JinglingHellsBells · 13/04/2020 14:25

Why have you not acknowledged that she can get CV just from sitting next to him and eating sweeties? Why bring sex into this?

Because it's what she is doing????

Because she is not eating sweets she is exchagning bodily secretions.

FGS MN is another universe at times.

Original poster
RuaBeag · 13/04/2020 14:28

Thanks @JinglingHellsBells and @Macncheeseballs for understanding where I’m coming from!

I don’t understand the urge to paint the picture that I secretly hate my friend, I love her so much and I’m so proud of her. I feel really pissed off about this situation though and appreciate all the posts for helping me to see it from different angles.

OP posts:
Original poster
RuaBeag · 13/04/2020 14:29

I am laughing at the idea of my OP being that she invited someone over to sit next to and eat sweeties and by god I needed a laugh!

OP posts:
MarieQueenofScots · 13/04/2020 14:38

I am laughing at the idea of my OP being that she invited someone over to sit next to and eat sweeties and by god I needed a laugh!

The context was “my friend is having people over despite being a midwife”.

That is quite enough to judge her for her poor choices. It doesn’t need tying in with societal influences on women who are sexually active.

SharonasCorona · 13/04/2020 14:42

@RuaBeag I said ‘eat sweeties’ to highlight that it doesn’t matter what she’s doing. I’m not surprised you don’t get that, you seem to lack both awareness and self-awareness.

Yes the love you have for your ‘man mad’, moving from a ‘hovel’ to a ‘glam’ hotel, friend really shines through in your posts. Not.

CrazyTimesAreOccurring · 13/04/2020 14:43

@RandomSelection

This is not the same as wartime, it's a very different enemy. I understand those on the frontline want to de-stress. I also understand them having a bit of a "well I might be dead tomorrow" attitude. But what I cannot understand, what I will judge is that those people should know better. They understand how this works, it's not about them, or even the guy that takes the risk to visit them, it's about spreading the virus to the vulnerable, to the very ones who may come into their hospital and die.

No matter how stressed I was, I could not take the risk that the person that dies alone does so because I simply wanted some sex to de-stress. If that's their de-stress tool, then they can DIY...

Unforgivable

This ^^ very well put. I wish people would stop likening it to WW2. If someone's gran had 'a lot of fun with British and Americans' then good for her Hmmbut would she still have had so much fun if she was in danger of passing on a virus and killing those same men and others she had fun with?

Totally different scenarios

Original poster
RuaBeag · 13/04/2020 14:44

Please enlighten me as to how highlighting that she was moved from a hovel the size of a cell (which understandably wanted to escape from, to her exes) to a nice hotel means I don’t like my friend?

I’m genuinely intrigued as you seem to be grasping at straws to prove something that simply isn’t true?

OP posts:
Cagedbirdsinging · 13/04/2020 14:45

The RCN and the NMC would probably have something to say about this . There are guidelines (Codes of Conduct) that health care professionals are expected to follow in both working and private life . She is putting her client group at increasing risk of contracting Covid 19 and her colleagues at risk of overburden .
(Describing someone as 'man mad' is no more judgemental than describing someone as 'horse-mad' .)