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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how often you orgasm with your partner?

124 replies

lockdownlass · 12/04/2020 22:35

Are the majority of men inherently selfish when it comes to sex and satisfying a partner?

I've just split up with my recent boyfriend for this - amongst lots of other reasons. All relationships I have had, with the exception of my first, have been selfish when it comes to sex. They will fall asleep straight after they've finished, are more interested in their own needs, they find it tiresome or cannot be bothered to finish me if it's been going on for any length of time. I've expressed this to multiple partners, discussed what I enjoy and how to get me off, I have tried not to be critical and instead make suggestions. Showed them myself what I enjoy in an attempt to be sexy but also demonstrate to them.

Are most men just lazy / selfish when it comes to satisfying their partners? Am I just meeting the wrong men?

OP posts:
ACupOfTeaSolvesEverything · 13/04/2020 07:40

Never. We hardly ever have sex and when we do it’s rubbish.

jesseateathesaurus · 13/04/2020 07:42

Every time, but married to a woman.

DeathByBoredom · 13/04/2020 07:47

Try women. They are more skilled and don't leave you hanging.

Or with your next man, set out your stall early on. No orgasm, no repeat sex.

Doingitaloneandproud · 13/04/2020 07:49

Every time, he's very giving and fantastic in bed, feel like I've hit the sex jackpot haha! I'm missing that being apart during lockdown Grin

Gorgeous991 · 13/04/2020 08:08

Everytime and he does make sure I come first. Im very lucky in that respect.

MargieMo · 13/04/2020 11:27

It's great that so many people have one every time. Bravo!

I was a late starter, and I also need a vibrator to finish. So if that fits in with what we are doing, then great ... but it does not always, e.g., a quickie. Also, going through airport with a vibrator something I've always been reluctant to do for some reason.

WaterOffADucksCrack · 13/04/2020 11:48

Everytime and he does make sure I come first. Im very lucky in that respect. A man wouldn't say that! We deserve the same amount of sexual pleasure as men.

StarlightLady · 13/04/2020 11:48

40 something female, My orgasm is important to me. I climax almost every time when having sex with someone. I don’t usually climax from penetration, that’s never been a problem for me as l have a great success rate with oral.

Anyone who is not prepared to go down the oral road does not cross the bedroom threshold.

Oysterbabe · 13/04/2020 11:50

Ladies first is an important rule in bed I think.

Fluffymulletstyle · 13/04/2020 11:51

Everytime, but never through penetrative sex ( with any partner).

If they are not willing to make sure it's a satisfying experience for both of you then they are not long term material.

StarlightLady · 13/04/2020 11:51

@MargieMo - I travel regularly for work. I always have a small bullet vibey in my make up bag; it goes everywhere with me. It has passed through many an airport.

QuacksInTheDark · 13/04/2020 11:55

Do you have trouble climaxing? If it’s taking a long time I can understand why they might get bored with trying. Can you imagine giving a bloke a BJ or hand job for an hour (or more)?!
If it’s not that then you’ve just attracted a lot of selfish bastards.

Shoxfordian · 13/04/2020 11:59

If he doesn't care about your orgasm then he doesn't care about you

ravenmum · 13/04/2020 12:16

My exh did zero foreplay, oral or basically anything but was well built and we fitted together well; probably around 95% of the time.
Current partner can't do the best position for me but gets about the same success rate, though it sometimes takes longer. We're in our 50s but I think it's the technique, not our age making it slower. Best with me doing some of the work for him, but he could and would go on forever. I don't think he puts my needs before his, as such. More that he has some pride in his abilities. He likes showing off his cooking skills and would be disappointed if I didn't enjoy his food, and in the same way, he'd be disappointed if I didn't enjoy sex. I wouldn't be keen on someone who lacked that pride.

WaterOffADucksCrack · 13/04/2020 12:19

Sorry i didn't answer the OP! With my current partner? Every time apart from once when I was pregnant. I just couldn't whatever we tried! Prior to this I was a single parent and decided I wasn't going to put up with bad sex from lazy lovers again. I'd had my share of really good sex but the most serious relationship he became lazy and it totally turned me off him.

I tried a fair few before finding my current partner though! I was happy to be single until I found the right man for me.

ladybee28 · 13/04/2020 12:20

I certainly don't orgasm every time, but that's not because I have a selfish DP –I just sometimes find it hard to get out of my head.

I also don't have rules around my orgasm and when it has to happen vs. my partner.

I don't think orgasm is the goal of sex for either of us; we enjoy the eroticism and sensuality and connection of all of it, and sometimes one of us comes first, sometimes the other. Orgasm doesn't = 'satisfied' in our relationship.

If it's taking a long time for either of us (and it does for both of us at times, for a number of reasons), we won't keep charging at it like a god-given right – we'll take a break or stop.

All of that said, that's the environment we've created inside our relationship and I think because of that, I climax more often with him than I have with previous partners where I felt under pressure (from myself more than anything) to climax so he could 'get his'.

Original poster
lockdownlass · 13/04/2020 12:22

I don't take ages to climax, I can finish in 5 minutes on my own. On the rare occasions I have climaxed with someone else, it takes anywhere from 5-20 minutes depending on what we're doing etc. So that isn't the issue. Most men I have been with either don't seem that bothered to learn or get mortally offended and think you are saying they are crap if you try to give pointers/advice. It gets infuriating after the hundredth time of them just rolling over and going to sleep once they've finished with no consideration. I have experienced this a lot with my ex-partners, hence why I wanted to ask if this is just the men I am meeting or if this is an endemic of most men/relationships.

OP posts:
Battysace123 · 13/04/2020 12:23

I orgasm mostly Everytime and pretty quickly, within 3 minutes. Never through vaginal sex but through oral and anal. He isn't selfish at all when it comes to satisfying me in bed, just selfish in other ways. The prick

Milky77 · 13/04/2020 12:24

First time poster with this ID and in AIBU
Anyone replying to this question needs to give their head a wobble. All you are doing is attracting more degenerates and journos to MN.

Likethebattle · 13/04/2020 12:25

It’s always best to let the woman get hers first. The stupid design of our bodies means men get off on penetration but very few women do. The women who do are lucky. If a man lets you get there first then he can just concentrate on banging away and finishing. Crude but true!

ladybee28 · 13/04/2020 12:26

Most men I have been with either don't seem that bothered to learn or get mortally offended and think you are saying they are crap if you try to give pointers/advice.

If it's of any help, OP, I'm really surprised by the way this thread has gone. Would never have thought the proportions would be so strongly in the direction of 'my DP makes me come every time.'

I definitely don't think you're alone, and I definitely believe there are a LOT of men out there who don't want to discuss sex and don't want to consider that different women need different approaches.

turnandfacethenamechange · 13/04/2020 12:27

Every time but only because I've been really really honest with DP about the fact I can't get there unless I do it myself. So we work it into sex. For many many many years I was too embarrassed to say so, so I never ever had an orgasm Sad

TippledPink · 13/04/2020 12:28

@Likethebattle No way, not for me! He needs to finish first, if I finish first I hate being touched after so he wouldn't get the chance to finish! Let him go, then when he is done he knows exactly what to do to finish the job, takes 30 seconds max 😆

DressesWithPocketsRockMyWorld · 13/04/2020 12:28

Every time. Unless I've had lots of wine and then my vagina goes none responsive.

BlindTwitcher · 13/04/2020 12:33

Every time unless I don't want/need to. Same with him. Sometimes we enjoy the other having all the attention.

Basically DH always waits until I make it clear I want PIV (I cant come from PIV) so foreplay is a big part of our sex life.

Then he asks after if I want more which 99% of the time is a no.