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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how often you orgasm with your partner?

124 replies

lockdownlass · 12/04/2020 22:35

Are the majority of men inherently selfish when it comes to sex and satisfying a partner?

I've just split up with my recent boyfriend for this - amongst lots of other reasons. All relationships I have had, with the exception of my first, have been selfish when it comes to sex. They will fall asleep straight after they've finished, are more interested in their own needs, they find it tiresome or cannot be bothered to finish me if it's been going on for any length of time. I've expressed this to multiple partners, discussed what I enjoy and how to get me off, I have tried not to be critical and instead make suggestions. Showed them myself what I enjoy in an attempt to be sexy but also demonstrate to them.

Are most men just lazy / selfish when it comes to satisfying their partners? Am I just meeting the wrong men?

OP posts:
Original poster
lockdownlass · 12/04/2020 23:02

To be fair, they have all become increasingly selfish over the ensuing months that I was with them. I always give the sex a few goes before I start to make suggestions and talk about my needs, because I understand they might be nervous / it takes time to learn about someone and what they enjoy. Most just don't seem interested to learn!

OP posts:
CliveyBaby · 12/04/2020 23:04

About 2/3 of the time? If I'm stressed etc then it sometimes doesn't "happen".
DH can't really keep going after he's finished so tends to get me close (in other ways) before we do stuff that's likely to make him finish

Thismummyruns · 12/04/2020 23:04

Cannot remember ever with OH Hmm
2 children later and I feel this is my life forever, and completely my own fault.
I can't end it just because of crap sex.

Judystilldreamsofhorses · 12/04/2020 23:14

Every time.

Dontjumptoconclusions · 12/04/2020 23:33

I blame porn... So much of it shows girls orgasm straight away with no work from the guy, it's all acting! Then guys wonder why it doesn't work for us.

OP I'd try shaming them, no guy wants to be the guy who's bad in bed, especially because they are selfish. Just a simple "oh I didn't even come, thats never happened before"

TheGoogleMum · 12/04/2020 23:34

Nearly every time. In the first year or so of our relationship it wasn't the case (in fairness I was inexperienced and didn't know what would work for me) but now we know what nearly always works

Pericombobulations · 12/04/2020 23:39

Until recently most of the time with DH. I have other reasons why it is more difficult now but DH has been keen to find a solution that works with me.

I would agree you have had selfish men.

RaspberryBubblegum · 12/04/2020 23:48

You are meeting the wrong men. Tit for tat. If they're getting one then you're getting one too. That's the rule. I would be feeling awful if I was in their shoes!

Osirus · 12/04/2020 23:48

Every time without fail. I’m usually much quicker than he is, but even on the odd occasion he “beats me to it”, he would never just ignore me afterwards.

k1233 · 12/04/2020 23:53

Must say if they're bad in bed they're kicked to the curb quickly. Rarely do they get a second chance. I can't be bothered "educating" them. Because of that, I don't have your problem.

Glitteryone · 12/04/2020 23:54

You sound like you’re dictating with the instructions / how to guidance.

Perhaps you’re maybe killing the mood/ruining the moment?

TippledPink · 12/04/2020 23:56

Every time- and always after he's finished (unless it's happened by accident, I can't stand being touched sexually after so couldn't carry on until he was done).

I can't imagine not having an orgasm every time, it would feel like a such a let down!

KindKylie · 13/04/2020 00:02

You're definitely meeting the wrong men. Someone who is kind and considerate in everyday life will be the same in bed and vice versa.

Original poster
lockdownlass · 13/04/2020 00:02

I don't think so. I think I am very tactful, I ask for what I'd like, guide hands, 'I'd love if you'd do this' etc. I have answered directly when they ask me what I like. Granted, after dozens of times of this happening, I have ended up snapping at them when they are snoring after finishing for a millionth time.

OP posts:
Gooseygoosey12345 · 13/04/2020 00:13

Every time, usually more than once. In 8 years there's only been twice when I haven't during, and I wasn't left high and dry then either. He's very talented in that department. I couldn't stay with someone if the sex was bad. It's a huge part of the relationship for me.

SausageSimon · 13/04/2020 00:15

I've been lucky that nearly all partners have at least tried, I think with one guy it was genuinely my fault and there were some issues going on that prevented it.

I have had a couple where they'll do it for a while then seem to get fed up quickly and the PP that mentioned in porn women "finish" much quicker and seemingly easier than in reality it's made me think that is having an influence there. Think you're onto something PP

0hbloodyhell · 13/04/2020 00:23

@Tinyhumansurvivalist have you tried lube? And in my experience a much much lighter grip than you think you need but that might have just been him...

SinisterBumFacedCat · 13/04/2020 00:39

Every time. In my long term relationships. ONS not. I’d have thought men would love giving their partners an orgasm. I don’t think there is any excuse for laziness now days.
Op what you said about “giving in” to penetration though is a bit worrying.

Oldhaggard · 13/04/2020 00:56

Yes I've experienced what you have with most of my partners, I've not been as proactive as you though so maybe partly my fault and have stopped talking when the man has become offended thinking I'm just saying he's crap in bed.
That was until I met an FWB, I'm not sure if it's because there was no 'pressure' as such and I wasn't that bothered about offending him, so I've been more open than with anyone else, or if it's just him, but I did every time, and was far more excited than I ever have been, completely different with him than anybody else. It was the best sex I ever had if I'm honest and it's just a shame that we'd never love each other like that for a relationship, but we both feel the same.
He puts the effort in, maybe because he knows that if I'm not getting what I'm going for, I'd stop going because there's nothing else to hold me there. I think men trade on the fact you are emotionally invested sometimes and will stick around so their efforts wane.
It was a couple of years since we did, but not long before lock down we had a one nighter and it was as good as before.

Lifeasweknow · 13/04/2020 01:16

Everytime, regardless of who is first. He will also find ways to finish the job if it's him the finishes first.

squishedgrapes · 13/04/2020 01:29

You need to be more assertive, do t
Ent them get away with it on the first instance, it sets a pattern for your relationship. Lay down the law

warriorsmain · 13/04/2020 02:34

I'd be interested to know how old you are only because as I've got older I found it has always taken me a little bit longer to 'acclimatise' shall we say. Just getting used to a new partner for me personally can take a little while then all of a sudden everything fits and hits right. Casual encounters are always selfish...they feel like a stud if they can get you off but I doubt they care too much if they don't.
It took a good 6 months with my current partner before he caught the spot and now it's near on every time.
Maybe you're putting too much pressure on yourself and them??

Whatsmyname26 · 13/04/2020 02:35

Def wrong men. I think actually I score more orgasms than him a lot of the time!

JustStayHome · 13/04/2020 02:36

My partner is very loving.
My needs come before his, in his eyes.

I orgasm every time, he does everything he can to make me come.

He doesn't fall asleep either.

2 other men before him haven't bothered though, only thought about themselves

BertieBotts · 13/04/2020 07:06

Have high standards in the first place and don't give the time of day to someone who doesn't care about your enjoyment of sex. So many men pay more attention to porn stereotypes than what their own partner is telling them. IME it's a red flag for other things in the relationship - selfish in bed tends to mean selfish in general.

Don't waste time trying to explain or teach, if someone doesn't have the right attitude from the start it's a waste of time.

BTW I don't think people know which way to vote because it isn't very clear from your OP :) I voted YABU: To think all men are like this. Because I think it's worth holding out for someone who is not.