Not sure u lot are clever enuff to answer this...

[AlphaMummyVoiceOfReason]

My white, Crocs and Boden wearing, home educated daughter (who was delivered by elective CS so as to avoid pushing and include tummy tuck) was brought up on Formula milk laced with fruit shoots and Greggs' sausage rolls, after starting on puree at 14 weeks, which did her no harm. She certainly filled her disposable nappies!

She is so Gifted and Talented that my highly presentable size 8 nanny has to park her 4x4 in the disabled bay, and when she walks my dog next to the children's play area of the local and inferior state school (I'm no racist but it is full of immigrants), she is so busy listening to dd's insightful and well-informed explanation of exactly what happened to Madeleine McCann that she has no time to scoop the poop, thus necessitating the use of organic hemp dog nappies.

We feel that a light smack with the Daily Mail is the best (and kindest) way to limit the questions, or , if she has a modelling assignment coming up, it's easier to send her straight to bed - of course she cries, but will settle herself after a few hours. She can always watch the TV in her bedroom or play computer games if she can't sleep.

My question is: As the nanny at our country house is about to be deported back to Ruritania, should I send DD to boarding school now, or wait until she is seven? And should I allow her to walk there by herself?

Any advice - from longterm MN regulars only - welcomed. No arguments on my thread, you can leave if you don't like it. My views may be controversial but I'm still right.

Yes Rosa she is taking the P*!!!!
ROFLMHO!!!
Did you educate her to sling the dog poo off the bag once she has scooped it? (at an illegal)

!

Taking the piss. Are you serious Tori? I don't see this as a laughing matter at all.

I don't know why you would think I am anything less than deathly serious. Do you KNOW how hard it is to get a reliable Eastern bloc nanny these day? They go for a wander round Covent Garden on their annual day off and get snapped up by bloody Models 1.

Hence my choice of the pleasingly fat Ludmila.

I think you are completely irresponsible. Don't you realise what a bad role model for your daughter Ludmila is? Surely it can't be that hard to find a size zero nanny. Just starve her a bit for gods sake.

I hardly want her to see the nanny as a role model, good god.

Alpha Mummy puts the fun in Dysfunctional.

Well you're not going to be much of a role model are you, you are clearly never in the same county as your child let alone the same room. All you bloody Alphamummies are the same. What I want to know is why did you ever bother having children in the first place if you're not going to take care of them yourself? Answer me that, you rich skinny cow.

Oh darling how sweet. Thank you.

Seriously, do you not believe that children should have a continuity of education? We rarely spend more than a month in any one house, so boarding school is the perfect solution.

Since Gully started working for Halliburton, we've been spending a lot of time in Dubai actually - super place. You must have been to the Burj Al Arab?

Interview for nanny

1. can you work for less than 50p per hour.
2. do you have a degree and speak perfect english like me does?
3. can you prove you are anorexic/bulimic?
4. Are you willing to work for NVQ size zero?
5. are you happy to beat child with newspaper (tightly rolled obviously) for all misdemeanors?

If yes to the abov e when can you start?

Alpha, are you certain about the school? You see, I don't think they have stables for C-J's horses. What about Queen Ethelburga's? It also has the advantage of being miles away, of couse.

Do not send your child to crispy burgers they are all whores very friendly.

Surely travel is the best education a child could have? I'm sure a full participation in your interesting lifestyle would be the best preparation for life as a model. You could teach her the meaning of lots of lovely long words - you know like vacuous, martini, couture and so on - and she would naturally pick up maths from calculating the alimony payments when your husband get sick of your demanding behaviour and swans off with his younger, prettier and more intelligent secretary.

I have a stable of the darlingest ponies for C-J but naturally they are stabled in Argentina.

May I just clarify something - my reference to the Daily Mail in the opening post should not lead you to think that we actually read that rag. Ludmila borrows it from the chauffeur.

had to stop halfway thru this post to put on an (organic hemp)Tena Lady!

Is that some sort of tea?

has nobody recommended that you call NHS direct yet?

I was extremely puzzled by the OP - I could not understand why her DD should need to walk to a boarding school. Until light dawned - yes certainly you should let your nanny walk by herself to Rurutania, as she clearly has let herself go. Some people simply cannot understand that Greggs sausage rolls should only be temporarily ingested.

LL

Could you please check your in box??

What are you doing on this thread LL? Feck orff. Only Alphamummies allowed here.

Hello fellow Alphamummies. I am questioning the bona fides of the OP.

I put it to you that you are not a real Alphamummy.

You claim that your daughter walks to boarding school. Ladies of the Jury, have you ever seen a young gell walking to boarding school?

Furthermore, there is one telling piece of evidence that you are not a genuine Alphamummy.

The Daily Mail.

Ladies of the Jury. I rest my case.

The Daily Mail was the chauffeur's, Hurly-Burly. Alphamummy can't read but she likes looking at the pictures in Vogue.

I am an Alphamummy. I know this because this is actually the butler posting on my behalf while I have my nails done and get the Au Pair (size zero, she needs to diet) to write letters to my children at the boarding school they have attended since birth with their wet nurse.

I am the mother of all Alphamummies.

You lot have got it all wrong. Having nannies around to sleep with the husband is so passe.

The way forward is the manny.