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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I been selfish the way I'm dealing with lockdown

101 replies

user457635 · 12/04/2020 13:35

At the beginning of March I had surgery and just before lockdown I found out I would need further surgery followed by some treatment. Im off work at the moment signed off sick.
I live alone and have no children. Im trying to deal with lockdown/my illness by spending time trying to relax by going for a daily walk, baking, spending time in the garden, reading etc.
My sister has 2 sons, 6 and 8 we FaceTime every Saturday. She is currently working from home and her DH is a key worker. Since the lockdown she has been expecting me to FaceTime the boys for 1-2 hours daily to spend time doing school work with them and just occupying them. I explained to her I was finding it a bit tiring doing it everyday to which she went off on one telling me I don't understand how hard it is for her trying to juggle everything and all I do is laze around all day.
My head is all over the place at the moment (like most people with the lockdown) I'm struggling with my diagnosis just before the lockdown and also the thought of when this is all over and everyone can get back to normal life, I will be recovering again from surgery. I'm also feeling guilty about letting my colleagues down by being off sick knowing that this will be a stressful busy time for them.
AIBU?

OP posts:

Notthetoothfairy · 12/04/2020 13:36

Not your circus, not your monkeys.

NoMorePoliticsPlease · 12/04/2020 13:37

The children are your sisters responsibility not yours

CanofCant · 12/04/2020 13:38

YANBU. She is stressed understandably but she doesn't get to take it put on you. Tell her everyone is struggling with this in different ways. It's not top trumps and she doesn't win just because she has children. I hope you are taking it easy and having a good day.

Ethelfleda · 12/04/2020 13:38

YANBU OP
Look after yourself and take this time to convalesce

IcanandIwill · 12/04/2020 13:39

They are her children not yours. That's a huge expectation of you. YANBU

CoffeeRunner · 12/04/2020 13:39

It sounds like you are doing exactly what you should be doing.

It is not your responsibility to be entertaining your nephews on a daily basis.

TheSandgroper · 12/04/2020 13:40

Perhaps advise her that you are on such a regime of really good drugs, you cannot be trusted around little ears for extended periods of time.

Crinkle77 · 12/04/2020 13:42

Yanbu. She's being ridiculous.

LouiseTrees · 12/04/2020 13:42

@user457635 it’s a couple of hours every day on a phone when you can just be sitting on a couch. I think it shouldn’t be too strenuous. You have 22 other hours ( minus sleep) to lie down, relax and ponder. It’s not fair for her to rely on you but at the same time she probably really needs the help and you shouldn’t be angry with her.

hamstersarse · 12/04/2020 13:43

YANBU but....
I’ve started to notice a competitive hardship game coming to life amid the virus. It’s impacting all of us (you and your sister for example, in very different ways) and we all seem to be finding it hard to look at how it’s impacting others and be sympathetic / empathetic etc.

The reality is that it is hard for both of you. Just in different ways.

There will be a place where you can both help each other but that does rely on being able to have rational and compassionate conversation

AmelieTaylor · 12/04/2020 13:44

My sister has 2 sons, 6 and 8

YOUR SISTER. Not you

Her Monkeys, tell her to sort her own circus out.

She was very rude & entitled. Telling her to bog off and sort her own shit out seems more than fair!

PegasusReturns · 12/04/2020 13:46

I don’t think either of your are being unreasonable - you need to rest but I imagine life is extremely difficult for your sister trying to work from home with two DC of 6 and 8.

People are right that it’s not your responsibility but I can’t imagine not doing what I could to help my siblings in a similar scenario.

pussycatinboots · 12/04/2020 13:48

Your sister is being a cheeky cow expecting you to "babysit" her kids.

Look after yourself and put your health/needs first.

Wishing you a full recovery

Greendayz · 12/04/2020 14:02

I'd do that for my sister if she had young children and I didn't. I've seen how really hard it is for my colleagues who are trying to juggle two full time jobs and childcare. One colleague is working til midnight every night catching up, then starting again at 8am. 5 days a week. And noone made decisions over childcare and work with any idea about this kind of thing happening.

I can see how your sister might feel you could do more to help (assuming the kids are old enough be be entertained via video chats). She's probably having a really tough time. Yes you can say no if you want. She shouldn't take it for granted. But you'll likely damage your relationship with her and find support is not forthcoming when you need it yourself.

Runnerduck34 · 12/04/2020 14:02

Two hours of face time sounds strenuous to me, cant stand it🤣
However if you are able to help her out, without compromising your recovery from the op I would do so, though I might break it down to 2 x 1 hour slots, its likely to be more mentally taxing than physically taxing and it could be a distraction.
She sounds stressed and struggling, i don't know your diagnosis but i suspect you must be very stressed too.
Was your dsis supportive when you had your op? Will need her help or support in the future? Im glad I'm glad Im not part of a family where" not my monkeys, not my circus" suggested by some pp is the prevailing attitude.

HennyPenny4 · 12/04/2020 14:05

I can see her being v envious of your life right now - only you to occupy and look after. But 2 hours of school work by skype sounds impossible to me. 2 hours is a long time for a 6 year old.
What you could do is set them stuff and email it - page of sums, draw a dinosaur and see if they can do better etc which they can show you when you call them. But that is enough in my view, maybe listen to reading. but why would the DCs do what you say? or want to talk to you for 2 hours?

BreatheAndFocus · 12/04/2020 14:06

It depends exactly what your surgery and treatment was for (you don’t have to say). If it was something serious that was having an emotional effect on you, then I think you should explain that to your sister and concentrate on your own well-being.

But if it was something not quite so serious, then considering all that your sister has going on, then I think it’s a bit mean not to help out when you have so much free time. Again, only if your condition is not serious.

ForestYeti · 12/04/2020 14:10

1-2 hours is ridiculous she’s wanting long distance babysitting while you’re not well, yanbu in the slightest

Imstillskanking · 12/04/2020 14:10

Your sister's children are not your responsibility. Stop doing this.

Crunchymum · 12/04/2020 14:11

Are you a teacher @user457635

AnneLovesGilbert · 12/04/2020 14:15

What would she do if you were working? You’re not working because you’re off sick. This time, off sick, is precisely so you can do as little as possible and rest and heal. Nothing about trying to virtually babysit two of someone else’s children sounds remotely restful.

So she’s pissed off. What’s she going to do to you? Have a grump? Oh well...

Wishing you improving health.

Nannewnannew · 12/04/2020 14:16

I can understand that it must be very stressful for both of you. Could you break the FaceTime into 2 separate sessions each day, so that neither you nor the children get too tired or stressed?

MatildaTheCat · 12/04/2020 14:17

Compromise is what’s needed here. She needs some support from you and you are in a position to help her out a bit. Hours is too much but you could still have a regular chat with them and set them fun stuff to do just to give her a bit of respite.

I’m doing this with my DNs a bit. Not daily but regularly. Can they read to you?

Thelnebriati · 12/04/2020 14:17

You put on your own oxygen mask first - your health comes first. Getting a serious, long term diagnosis is extremely stressful. You have to adjust to massive changes, it affects everything. That's even without surgery.
This is not being selfish. It would be selfish if you refused to share resources when there is no personal cost to you.

Di11y · 12/04/2020 14:22

you're not unreasonable but i have huge sympathy for your sister. I have a 2yo and 6yo and I'm nearly having a breakdown over how hard it is to juggle. I wouldn't expect you to do school work but perhaps read stories, find interesting educational videos etc, and break it up. whatever you managed I'd appreciate especially as you're on sick leave

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