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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I been selfish the way I'm dealing with lockdown

101 replies

user457635 · 12/04/2020 13:35

At the beginning of March I had surgery and just before lockdown I found out I would need further surgery followed by some treatment. Im off work at the moment signed off sick.
I live alone and have no children. Im trying to deal with lockdown/my illness by spending time trying to relax by going for a daily walk, baking, spending time in the garden, reading etc.
My sister has 2 sons, 6 and 8 we FaceTime every Saturday. She is currently working from home and her DH is a key worker. Since the lockdown she has been expecting me to FaceTime the boys for 1-2 hours daily to spend time doing school work with them and just occupying them. I explained to her I was finding it a bit tiring doing it everyday to which she went off on one telling me I don't understand how hard it is for her trying to juggle everything and all I do is laze around all day.
My head is all over the place at the moment (like most people with the lockdown) I'm struggling with my diagnosis just before the lockdown and also the thought of when this is all over and everyone can get back to normal life, I will be recovering again from surgery. I'm also feeling guilty about letting my colleagues down by being off sick knowing that this will be a stressful busy time for them.
AIBU?

OP posts:
OfaFrenchmind2 · 12/04/2020 15:15

My sister jokingly called me 2 days ago to ask me to keep an eye on her 5yo kid while she was working. It was all in jest, which is why in revenge I spend a whole 15mn teaching my niece to write "poopoo peepee" and other absolutely hysterical (for a 5yo) words. But what your own sister is asking from you seems a bit too much!

diddl · 12/04/2020 15:16

" How is ok for op to say "not my circus" but not ok for the sister to return the sentiment?"

Eh?

AcrossthePond55 · 12/04/2020 15:17

If it was a case of you and the boys just having FaceTime going and watching TV or a movie 'together' whilst lying on your couch a few times a week I'd say it wasn't really too much to ask. But to expect you to do their schoolwork with them or actively 'engage' them in things for 1-2 hours every day is unreasonable.

ilovemyrednosedaymug · 12/04/2020 15:21

YANBU. Just explain that you don't feel up to it

MinecraftMother · 12/04/2020 15:21

I would never expect my sister to teach my children for 1 - 2 hrs a day. She's being absolutely ridiculous.

Tell her to fuck off. Cheeky cow.

Get well soon x

NotNowPlzz · 12/04/2020 15:23

You are by no means obliged to help, but if I was in your position I think I would at least give it a try. Not 2 hours per day but maybe 1 hour split into 30 min portions. But then I love kids and love teaching so it's up my street.

copycopypaste · 12/04/2020 15:25

Your sisters kids are not your responsibility. If you felt you could, and more importantly, wanted to, you could offer to help, however your sister is being completely unreasonable to 'expect' you to help.

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 12/04/2020 15:29

How come? How is ok for op to say "not my circus" but not ok for the sister to return the sentiment?

Because the sister choose to have children, the OP hasn’t chosen to be ill. The fact that you thing the two is comparable is rather sad.

BigChocFrenzy · 12/04/2020 15:31

You are convalescing after surgery - it's not "free time"

It's necessary recuperation
You really don't want to end up in hospital again because you didn't rest

If you were fully fit, it would be nice to offer, but even then 2 hours per day is a real hassle

But you are not fit, so she is BU, selfish and a bit of a CF

BigChocFrenzy · 12/04/2020 15:34

Even professional teachers would struggle to teach small children remotely
and a 2 hour session of schoolwork is ridiculous

EmpressMcSchnozzle · 12/04/2020 15:39
  1. Your first responsibility is to yourself especially if you're recovering. The oxygen mask analogy is a good one. People who've never been ill for any length of time might not understand how debilitating it can be.
  1. I do have to smile a bit at some people finding it hard with little ones at being stick at home all day with them as that's pretty much the life my mam had to endure when we were small!! Not that I don't have sympathy, it does show how much expectations have changed though. And my mam used to regularly get very upset about never, ever having a break from the sheer mundane relentlessness of it all. So I can see both sides.
  1. If, and only if, you feel up to it, then as other posters have suggested, what about splitting the time into 2 1 hour sessions? Or compromising and offering 1 hour 15 minutes? Apart from anything else, can your sister's kids really concentrate for 2 hours at a time??? Every day??? If you do feel able to support the kids there are relatively low maintenance options as well, maybe, like reading a story and getting the boys to take turns telling it back to you in their own words, using the six questions approach (who, what, when, where, how, why), alphabet games, spelling, memory games, measuring and counting games, singing or reciting games, things that hopefully wouldn't make it too hard on you. There are lots of people online reading stories now as well.
  1. If it's an education issue if you want to PM me I can send you some useful links to pass on with nice, free activities. (Sometimes there are follow up subscriptions or extra kit you can buy if you want but many companies have made things free for now.) Your sister might just want to make sure the ones not based in the UK are ok for our curriculum. I think I heard this week the BBC will be making some resources available shortly as well but I haven't checked that out yet.

If this pandemic follows the same pattern as others in history this will not be the last wave. I don't know if you're religious or have any faith bit one way to look at it could be that you are being asked to rest now so that when the next wave comes and many who have been in the frontline for this wave are exhausted you'll be able to help them and it will be their time to rest.

I think the pandemic is likely to be a marathon rather than a sprint sadly and one lesson many of us are having to learn is best use of our own resources, including our emotional energy.

Good luck and drop me a PM if you like for the resource list I'm aware of so far.

1frenchfoodie · 12/04/2020 15:40

Yes you are recuperating but 1h a day doesnt sound much to be honest. Trying to work from home with 2 kids and presumably stressing about her keyworker DH means she is presumably struggling too. Would you prefer she didnt reach out for support?

Would 2x 30 minutes be easier? Or can others in the family help?

CheshireDing · 12/04/2020 15:41

YANBU

I wonder what will happen when lockdown is over, will your Sister be available for you ? Was she available before?

Or will she just disappear and say she is busy with work, children etc ? Only you know OP.

Greendayz · 12/04/2020 15:41

empress It is so not the life your mum had to endure!!! People are trying to entertain small children whilst holding down a full time job working from home ConfusedAngry Do other people really not get this?

nicerainyweather · 12/04/2020 15:42

Just order a couple of age appropriate workbooks for them online, and buy an age appropriate digital book to read together.So you all have the same material. 2 hours, with a play break in the middle, isn't hard. And you can look up fun stuff on the internet and share your screen on Skype.

Ellisandra · 12/04/2020 15:51

My sister has 3 sisters (sounds like a logic problem Grin). She and her husband are key workers. All 3 sisters offered to take her daughter into their homes full time if wanted. One is permanently off work and disabled. One works full time (currently from home) one already has four children.

For me, it all depends on what your relationship was before, and how she asked.

My 6yo and 8yo nephews would stay on FaceTime with me for an hour, 5 days a week, whilst I read to them from horrible histories and then asked them to role play back to me pretending to be a character. I’d prefer to get them writing a diary entry, but I’m keeping it very simple.

Not all kids of that age would - but I know kids who would. I’d do that in a heartbeat if I were well enough. Last operation I recovered from was knee surgery - I could chatted to kids on FaceTime far more easily than taking a walk and pottering around baking.

So whilst bottom line, not your circus etc, I do feel lucky that I come from a group of sisters who would all do this in a heartbeat.

ConstantlySeekingHappiness · 12/04/2020 15:58

2 hours, with a play break in the middle, isn't hard.

It’s absolutely not up to you, or anyone else, to decide what is or is not hard for a person who is ill and recovering from surgery.

Why don’t you volunteer your services @nicerainyweather

1forsorrow · 12/04/2020 15:58

Why are they doing school work? Tell her its the Easter holidays.

Bluetrews25 · 12/04/2020 16:02

People who have not had surgery have no idea how desperately tiring it is just to have a conversation and be 'on' or 'performing' for an hour.
YANBU.
You need support and looking after, not to have people making demands of you!
@user457635, I wish you a smooth recovery from this and your upcoming surgery. Hope the subsequent treatment goes well too. Best wishes.
Flowers Chocolate

Sushiroller · 12/04/2020 16:04

Everyone will mostly likely say "You don't owe her anything" "not your kids not your problem" etc

And they are right you can do what you like...but honestly, you have the time and ability to make her life easier. she is your sister, if you like her and care about her help her out. I do think 2 hours virtually is too long though. Children can't concentrate that long!

It's a small thing for you that is a massive help to her so I'd set help in some form... i say that as someone who has just been through surgery with two months recovery.

OmgThereAreNoPlanesAboveMeNow · 12/04/2020 16:06

I wonder how many people will really rethink having 3rd or 4th or whatever kids after finding out they can't manage even with the ones they already have...

Yanbu, op.

notawittyname1954 · 12/04/2020 16:09

The poor OP has just had surgery and has got to have more. I think she is entitled to recuperate and not spend 2 hours a day on facetime. I'm sorry if she was well it might be a different matter but 2 hours is a long time. OP you do what you are happy to do and what you can cope with. Explain to your sister, again. But do not feel guilty. You are doing exactly the right thing for your recovery and mental well being

ItsAllTheDramaMickIJustLoveIt · 12/04/2020 16:09

1-2 hours at a time FaceTiming 2 kids that aren’t even mine? Every fucking day? No ta.

Tootletum · 12/04/2020 16:12

Err wow. My totally able bodied sister lives with me and all of us are working from home. Even though I'm utterly fucked trying to work and look after three kids, I ask her for half an hour a day, tops.

Leaannb · 12/04/2020 16:13

@Sushiroller Its not a small thing the Sister to be demanding. She wants OP to teach her children remotely for over 10 hours a week while she is recovering from her illness. If OP doesn't rest. Doesn't recouperate then who is going to take care of her. Not sister. She has already accused OP.of lazing about? Is she really going to be empathitic to OP of she develops the virus or her diagnosis gets worse because she is wasting valuable energy doing Sister's job. If sister can't handle the job and her kids too she needs to quit her job and educate her children. Would it be hard? Absolutely but you need to do it. Does it suck? Absolutely but it still has to be done.