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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I been selfish the way I'm dealing with lockdown

101 replies

user457635 · 12/04/2020 13:35

At the beginning of March I had surgery and just before lockdown I found out I would need further surgery followed by some treatment. Im off work at the moment signed off sick.
I live alone and have no children. Im trying to deal with lockdown/my illness by spending time trying to relax by going for a daily walk, baking, spending time in the garden, reading etc.
My sister has 2 sons, 6 and 8 we FaceTime every Saturday. She is currently working from home and her DH is a key worker. Since the lockdown she has been expecting me to FaceTime the boys for 1-2 hours daily to spend time doing school work with them and just occupying them. I explained to her I was finding it a bit tiring doing it everyday to which she went off on one telling me I don't understand how hard it is for her trying to juggle everything and all I do is laze around all day.
My head is all over the place at the moment (like most people with the lockdown) I'm struggling with my diagnosis just before the lockdown and also the thought of when this is all over and everyone can get back to normal life, I will be recovering again from surgery. I'm also feeling guilty about letting my colleagues down by being off sick knowing that this will be a stressful busy time for them.
AIBU?

OP posts:

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 12/04/2020 14:22

Depending on the nature of your work, can you not just tell her that you have been asked to take on some online work?

maddiemookins16mum · 12/04/2020 14:25

I agree that a little bit of compromise is needed at this time.

WhereYouLeftIt · 12/04/2020 14:27

Firstly, YANBU - you are not holidaying! You were signed off sick - that wouldn't have happened if you hadn't needed to recover from your surgery. Becoming an ad-hoc teacher is incompatible with recovering.

"Since the lockdown she has been expecting me to FaceTime the boys for 1-2 hours daily to spend time doing school work with them and just occupying them."
Well that's just not going to happen, is it? Even if you were willing and able, there is no way children of that age are going to stay glued to Aunty talking about schoolwork. They're going to wander off! Or moan they don't want to do it. And work out that Aunty can do bugger all about it if they wander off/ignore you. They would still need supervised and chivvied on by the person on the spot - HER.

Yes, it's shit for her. It's shit for a lot of people right now. Nobody would choose to be in this situation, but we're in it and we all just have to get bye as best we can. But she needs to take onboard that not only is she asking too much of you, she is actually asking the impossible. Her sons will just wander away from the screen and interrupt her and you being on Facetime to them will not change this one bit. Best thing I can suggest is that you point this out to her.

Sewrainbow · 12/04/2020 14:31

She'd be unreasonable if she wanted you to talk them for 10 minutes every day nevermind 1 or 2 hours! What would you find to say? Are they really going to sit there looking at the screen listening to you all that time even if you were in a position to "teach" them?

She's just jealous of what she sees as your free time to please yourself, not realising that you have been in ill, in pain and need to recuperate.

Yanbu - but maybe make a compromise on your terms, ie you'll facetime them on x day a week for x minutes if the eases your guilt.

But really you should be concentrating on what works for you during this time.

EdersonsSmileyTattoo · 12/04/2020 14:32

YANBU, your DSIS is BVU.

Does she really expect a 6 and 8 year old to sit there for two hours while you try to entertain them long distance?

She’s bonkers.

BabyYoda · 12/04/2020 14:33

YANBU.
She’s being a CF. She shouldn’t be demanding anything, she can ask and you have the option to say yes or no. She needs to accept that. As others have said, look after yourself first then offer help only if you feel up to it and actually want to do it.

*and I say that as a mum who regularly foists her kids on family members but only when they’re willing

Butterymuffin · 12/04/2020 14:34

So she didn't ask you if this would be ok and hasn't thanked you for doing her a favour, she just expects it, and has now got angry when you've expressed doubts? That's really rude and unfair of her. Politeness and gratitude cost nothing, and while it is hard trying to work from home and also keep kids occupied, she's far from being the only one. Millions of parents are in this position. What does she imagine all those people do?

On top of all that, there's no way kids that age will concentrate on Facetime for so long - which is one reason why you're finding it hard.

There are tons of virtual lessons and educational activities on YouTube. She needs to put some of those on and lower her expectations about how long they will sit and do those for. Tell her you're feeling worse and just can't do this anymore. She needs to set them up with things herself.

Leaannb · 12/04/2020 14:36

@LouiseTrees OP is sick. She is still recovering from surgery and is having to have more. She os unable to provide help at this time because her health needs to come first. Sister needs to handle her own children and not depend on someone else to do it for her

BreconBeBuggered · 12/04/2020 14:37

I can't see how it would work, even if you wanted to do it. I haven't worked for a very long time due to health issues, and I know I'd find it very difficult to spend sustained periods on the phone or a laptop without a break, and I'd spend the rest of the day recovering from it. You already have surgery to recover from. It's easy for a healthy person to say you only have to sit on the sofa. This will only cause you stress and pain.

wildcherries · 12/04/2020 14:38

They're her children. Once in a while, yes, if you offer. But she's expecting too much. YANBU.

Leaannb · 12/04/2020 14:39

@maddiemookins16mum I don't think you know what the word compromise means. Op is not up to this. She is sick. She is hurt and recovering. She needs all the rest. Sister should be helping OP with shopping etc....Not dumping her responsibilities onto to OP. Not acting like a spoiled twat because OP has told her sister she is unable to do this

billy1966 · 12/04/2020 14:40

Your sister is very rude.

I think 1-2 hours trying to entertain them sounds horrendous, and very stressful.

I would knock that on the head.

I find people with children, who feel the need to go on about how hard it is having children, to their childless friends, to be extremely tedious.

We all make our choices.

I have several dear friends that are childless...it wouldn't ever have occurred to me to impose on them.

You are recovering from illness and surgery...mind yourself OP.

PurpleSprain · 12/04/2020 14:47

People saying that your sisters children are her responsibility, not yours are absolutely correct and you are well within your rights to refuse to do what she wrongly 'expects' of you. She had no business presuming.

HOWEVER

the day may come when you want her help with something that is not technically her responsibility (possibly related to your diagnosis) so consider carefully what sort of mutual relationship you want when deciding what to do here. It's perfectly fine to choose a more distant "you sort your things and I'll sort mine" without anyone being a bad person, but it will cut both ways.

gabsdot45 · 12/04/2020 14:50

Neither of you are being unreasonable IMO. It would be nice of you to help your sister out and it would be nice of your sister to be a bit more understanding .
Could you read stories to your nephews or sing songs, That might be a bit less strenuous that trying to help them with school work .

Leaannb · 12/04/2020 14:52

@PurpleSprain. The sister is being a complete cCF in what world does CFs ever do for someone else. If sister actually cared about OP she would respect OPs decision to take care of her own health instead of telling her that she is lazing away the day. That statement shows exactly what kind of person Sister is. Op is sick and instead of emphasixing with OP she called her lazy. Would you want someone who called you lazy to help out when you are sick?

ConstantlySeekingHappiness · 12/04/2020 14:56

I am astounded by some of the responses on here.

OP you are absolutely doing the right thing by your health, that takes priority.

The sister is being completely unreasonable and behaving in a shocking manner. She does not seem concerned in the slightest about her sister or her health.

Demanding 2 hours FaceTimes daily and then going in a huff and saying the OP is lazing about?

I can’t actually believe people on here agree with the sister and think the OP should be doing more.

rjebgf · 12/04/2020 14:57

She’s desperate I think. Without knowing how serious your diagnosis is, it’s difficult to make a judgement. She’s been rude anyway but it’s difficult to know whether this is part of her general behaviour or whether she’s being driven to it by the situation.

I have to say that as with everything, lockdown conditions are very much unequal for people. There are people sitting pretty in mansions with loads of shopping deliveries, loads of facilities, entertainment and no responsibilities, almost zero risk of getting covid. And there are people at the coal face working in the covid wards terrified of killing their families and themselves. In the middle there are people like your sister, really struggling with too much general shit.

Only you can judge how ill you are and what is the right thing for you to do.

diddl · 12/04/2020 14:58

I would have thought that it's up to you to decide what you can & can't do re her kids tbh.

Obviously not working doesn't mean that you're incapable of doing anything, but it's your choice/decision!

"the day may come when you want her help with something" -and it would surely be a shit sister who said no because she felt that she wasn't helped as much as she wanted by her sister who was on sick leave!

CaptSkippy · 12/04/2020 14:59

It is okay for her to ask you for help, but demanding it is not. Also, she is only thinking of her own situation, not yours.

She's and her partner were the ones who decided to reproduce and she can't get mad if other people can't or won't do what she is "asking" of them. It's ultimately their repsonsibility.

KrakowDawn · 12/04/2020 14:59

She is BU. You need to rest and get back to full health!
Emphasise to her that you can't manage this.

DontTellThemYourNamePike · 12/04/2020 15:05

Your sister needs to wind her neck in. They are her children and it's up to her to fill their days. I'm a bit annoyed with my SIL because she hasn't bothered to even ask about her nephews (my two DS's) in weeks, even though she claims to love them sooo much. Even then, I'm letting it go as this is such a strange situation for everyone and affects people in different ways.

I call my mum on her Echo Show every day and sometimes it's very, very hard to keep the conversation going. It's so different from being with someone in person and can be intense and exhausting. There is no conceivable way I could entertain/educate someone's children in that manner.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 12/04/2020 15:06

and it would surely be a shit sister who said no because she felt that she wasn't helped as much as she wanted by her sister who was on sick leave!

How come? How is ok for op to say "not my circus" but not ok for the sister to return the sentiment?

user53175387 · 12/04/2020 15:07

Surgery takes a massive toll on the mind and body. It takes a long time to recover.

user53175387 · 12/04/2020 15:09

Oh joy.

dontdisturbmenow · 12/04/2020 15:14

It sounds like you could do more to help BUT they are her children, she's chosen to have them and you don't owe her to help.

Ultimately though you have to look at longer picture. I agree that she is probably overwhelmed and this is a cry for help. You not helping her in a way that would make her feel grateful could mean that one day she too might decide to do the strict minimum to help you at a time you might be desperate for her help.

As long as you respect that this is how your relationship goes, that you are not there to support each other in time of need, then you are doing nothing wrong.

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