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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be fed up with dh reaction to Coronavirus

100 replies

tiredandgrumpyx · 12/04/2020 00:31

Ok so my dh and I have a two year old and 3 month old dd I'm work for the nhs but am on maternity leave. My husband has some mental health issues one of which is health anxiety. He literally cannot have anything wrong with him without him thinking it's cancer or something else awful and it's left to me to reassure him. Well since the COVID has happened he has been unbearable he's been abusive verbally he's put us into isolation even tho no ones had any symptoms we had to take our baby for vaccinations which took me a whole load of begging for him to even allow us to go to the drs to get them and he was so anxious that he kicked off at me because I hadn't put my mask on he literally gave me no time to do it he was shouting at me so bad that the nurse had a dr phone me that evening to check I was safe and ok.
Every time he gets like this he threatens to take my children off me and divorce me when this is over because I don't care if they die of Coronavirus
Tonight he's had a panic attack because he's had a bit of a tickly cough I've tried to explain that we have a high pollen count today and that's probably it he has no temperature at all he's been hyperventilating being vile and I literally can't take anymore of it I'm tired I have two little children to care for I can't escape it I'm not sure what to do with him
I'm drained I've literally got nobody to talk to I feel bad but I also feel like he's using his anxiety as an excuse to be abusive

OP posts:
mumtomaxwell · 12/04/2020 00:40

OP that sounds dreadful. YANBU to be fed up. I used to suffer from terrible health anxiety in my late teens following the sudden death of my boyfriend (he was 16, died of a flu type illness which led to organ failure). I behaved exactly as you describe your DH. He’s petrified. I’m not trying to excuse it, just hoping to explain.

If the GP rang to check you’re okay could you ring them back and ask if they could point DH towards a telephone counselling service? My best friend has counselling for anxiety via video call... that’s private though, and not cheap!

mumtomaxwell · 12/04/2020 00:43

Thinking about it.... would you benefit from speaking to a counsellor? Just to have somewhere/someone to talk.

Original poster
tiredandgrumpyx · 12/04/2020 00:43

He won't except help he thinks he will get sectioned and if that happens it will be my fault and he will take my children away

OP posts:
jamimmi · 12/04/2020 00:45

Not quite sure what to say but I think you both need help. You to cope with what sounds like the start of an abusive relationship, him with what sounds like significant health anxiety. Had he had any help previously that he could acess again. Your GP is obviously aware of the issues if he rang and maybe able to help if you call. I work for how NHS and we are being asked to watch out for situations like this. You know it's not normal and you need to protect yourself and DC. Could you go elsewhere? Not really the time to do it I know but this isn't an ordinary situation.

jamimmi · 12/04/2020 00:47

Could you suggest counselling? Psychologists can section anyone.

pallisers · 12/04/2020 00:51

If he has severe health anxiety I feel sorry for him - and presume he isn't doing this on purpose.

But the net effect on you and your two children is the same, whether he intends to do it or not. You are living in a terrible situation, your 2 year old must surely be upset by his shouting etc and your relationship with your newborn will be affected if you are under this kind of stress.

Is there any other place he could stay while this virus is around? Could he go home or to an empty flat or anything? I'm sorry for him but there are 3 of you and 2 of them are tiny and vulnerable.

tbh I would call back the GP or nurse tomorrow, tell her exactly what is going on and ask for help.

Original poster
tiredandgrumpyx · 12/04/2020 00:53

He's under I've tried to encourage him to seek further help but he won't and I can't talk to anyone I don't get any time to myself to actually speak to anyone without him listening to my conversations
I'm stuck in this nightmare until all this has ended
I don't know what is going to happen when I'm due to get back to work as he will assume that I'm bringing the virus back to kill us all because I don't care if I kill my family because I've not been careful enough.

OP posts:
BeetrootRocks · 12/04/2020 00:54

Ring women's aid?

Sounds like an awful situation.

I understand anxiety but he's putting barriers in to your kids getting vaccinated etc and being horrible to you. It's all about him.

BeetrootRocks · 12/04/2020 00:56

He listens to all your conversations?
Can you go to the shops or something and make a call?
This is very much not normal or good.
I had anxiety and depression previously, I protected the kids from it as much as I could.
Why would health anxiety mean he has to listen to your calls?

Bluesrunthegame · 12/04/2020 00:56

I second ringing the GP or nurse and telling them what is happening. Your husband is becoming abusive and you need help.

user1473878824 · 12/04/2020 00:58

Oh OP. There is so much more to this than health anxiety. He’s listening to all your conversations? Seconding the nurse’s call: are you okay?

user1473878824 · 12/04/2020 00:58

Agree with @Bluesrunthegame wholeheartedly.

Original poster
tiredandgrumpyx · 12/04/2020 01:00

No where else for him to go he's here until this is over as an I
I understand anxiety but this is too much because it falls to me to fix it while getting all the shit
He thinks because I'm medical I've got all the answers I don't and if I say I don't know something he gets all panicked and tells me not to fucking bother then it's only him who give a shit ect

OP posts:
negomi90 · 12/04/2020 01:01

Who's doing the shopping? Can you call for help when one of you is out at the shops.
If you don't go to the shops and are relying on deliveries, then let your toddler at the loo roll/soap (something essential which can't wait until the next delivery) so that someone has to go to the shops and you can call women's aid/GP for help.
This is abusive and controlling to both you and your children and he needs to get help or you need to leave with the kids.
Your two year old is watching and learning bad coping strategies.

Reginabambina · 12/04/2020 01:02

I would report him to the police for abuse (this is abuse OP, I appreciate that he has his own problems but that doesn’t render the effect on you and your children meaningless) and ask him to leave. This is only going to get worse when they start lifting restrictions, you go back to work etc. What would happen if one of your children had an accident and needed to go to A&E? What if he found you unconscious one day? Would he be too frightened to call an ambulance? What would he do to you if he thought that you had it? This is only going to get worse. If he has somewhere else to go send him there.

Original poster
tiredandgrumpyx · 12/04/2020 01:05

Since this COVID I've not been out not aloud because of the risk of bringing virus back I've explained hand washing social distance but he literally doesn't understand or he does the. His anxiety makes him forget everything
I've not been in a shop since all this happened I've had to rely on deliveries which makes me feel bad because someone else could be using my slot ect it's so draining I also have to clean every bit of shopping before it comes into the house with detol wipes

OP posts:
LoveIsLovely · 12/04/2020 01:14

While I have a lot of sympathy for mh problems (which it sounds like he has), this is an abusive situation. He is abusing you.

Coyoacan · 12/04/2020 01:16

I have every sympathy for anyone with mental health issues, but as with every other health problem, adults have to seek help and if they don't, they can fuck off.

Is there nowhere you and the children could go, OP? Could you send an email to Women's Aid?

BeetrootRocks · 12/04/2020 01:16

Why does his health anxiety mean he has to listen to your calls, op?

ilikemethewayiam · 12/04/2020 01:23

Nope, this is an abusive man who is using anxiety as an excuse. You keep saying you are not ‘allowed’. This is not anxiety, this is controlling abuse. I have very high anxiety and CPTSD for reasons I won’t go into but I don’t abuse those around me or make it their problem, it’s NOT. Call women’s aid, call the police.

Balmytissues · 12/04/2020 01:28

This is clear coercive control. You can call Women's Aid, but just be forewarned that it's hard to get through to them.

Crymblecrumble · 12/04/2020 01:29

You need to leave him.

RightOnTheEdge · 12/04/2020 01:35

OP this is terrible. He is abusing you. You have to ask for help. Please call the police or Women's Aid.

You are not allowed out!? That is outrageous Angry
He listens to your calls.
He shouts.
He threatens to take your children away.
You are in an abusive, controlling situation.
What about when your children get older. How will it be for them growing up with this behaviour?

What advice would you give if this was one of one of your patients and they asked for help?

I'm so sorry this is happening to you please look after yourself Flowers

BoomBoomsCousin · 12/04/2020 01:38

This is an abusive relationship OP. Him having mental health issues or not, you must not go on living like this, it's really bad for you and your children.

You absolutely can do something about it even while the lockdown is ongoing. It's scary to take action when you've been abused for a time, but it is the way to a much happier life.

How does he stop you going out? Is he physical or do you fear him being physical?

Mediumred · 12/04/2020 01:45

If he was trying to get help I would have some sympathy for him but Instead he is just making you all suffer terribly, I think you are doing amazingly in what must be a horrendous situation with a tiny baby and a toddler as well. Please, as soon as restrictions are lifted, make moves to get free. I know the threat to take the children away is very scary but I very much doubt he would be given custody, and what happened at the doctors really will show to outside agencies how unstable he is. In fact could you contact the doctors again after the bank hol and say could they refer you to social services and/or the police, it really does sound dangerous. Please take care and keep reaching out for help on here.

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