To be fed up with dh reaction to Coronavirus

[tiredandgrumpyx]

Ok so my dh and I have a two year old and 3 month old dd I'm work for the nhs but am on maternity leave. My husband has some mental health issues one of which is health anxiety. He literally cannot have anything wrong with him without him thinking it's cancer or something else awful and it's left to me to reassure him. Well since the COVID has happened he has been unbearable he's been abusive verbally he's put us into isolation even tho no ones had any symptoms we had to take our baby for vaccinations which took me a whole load of begging for him to even allow us to go to the drs to get them and he was so anxious that he kicked off at me because I hadn't put my mask on he literally gave me no time to do it he was shouting at me so bad that the nurse had a dr phone me that evening to check I was safe and ok.
Every time he gets like this he threatens to take my children off me and divorce me when this is over because I don't care if they die of Coronavirus
Tonight he's had a panic attack because he's had a bit of a tickly cough I've tried to explain that we have a high pollen count today and that's probably it he has no temperature at all he's been hyperventilating being vile and I literally can't take anymore of it I'm tired I have two little children to care for I can't escape it I'm not sure what to do with him
I'm drained I've literally got nobody to talk to I feel bad but I also feel like he's using his anxiety as an excuse to be abusive

Please phone Women's Aid for help in getting away from this man. No matter what causes his problems, it's a dreadful situation for your children to have to deal with. All his threats about having your children taken away are completely empty, because he simply won't be able to hide his irrationality from any social worker or court.

He is abusing you, you need to leave him. Talk to your health visitor or GP. Anxiety is a horrible thing, but it doesn't make you think you have the right to override another adult's body autonomy or prevent a child getting medical care.

Is there anywhere else you can stay? There is free train travel for people fleeing domestic violence.

This is abuse. He can't "take your children away", that won't happen. Please do get some support to leave this man before he gets even worse.

He us abusing you and your children. Whatever his reason that is the outcome of his behaviour- abuse. Please please call women’s aid or the police. Refusing to let you leave us coercive and controlling behaviour. His problem where he goes but he needs to get out if your house and get help otherwise he never comes back.

Threats to take your children are nothing short of sickening.

If there is anyone you and the kids can stay with them go - this is within the rules because this is domestic abuse.

He is abusive and there’s no way in hell he could take your children away, especially as the GP and the nurse were witnesses to his behaviour.
Why do you have to clean the shopping? He should do it.
The advice I would give you would be call the Women’s Aid and the police. Organise your documentation, review the finances, change passwords and PIN codes if he knows them.
Leave him. This is no anxiety, this is abuse.

As a mum who has had severe anxiety and ptsd I know how hard it can be, but I agree with other comments - he is abusive and anxiety is not an excuse for this. He can’t just take your children away. He is being manipulative and trying to frighten you. You need to get some help with this situation sooner rather than later

Perhaps he is using his anxiety as an excuse to control and abuse you. You need to leave him or kick him out. He is not a nice man.

You can text the police for help. You need to register first though but it doesn't take long. Info here.

This is no environment for your children. This maybe an extreme version of his normal self but it is who he is and sucking up all his bile and treading on eggshells is impacting your MH. Who will look after your children when you buckle under the strain of trying to placate him?

You’re being abused.

Hi OP so sorry you're going through this 💐. You've got some great advice here. I've been in a violent and abusive relationship and I know how hard it is. By the end I think I was pretty well hypnotized to considering only my partner's welfare and desires. You may not be able to act on this now. But he is an adult and your children are not. He can cope without you and your children cannot. Yes, this is damaging them. It damaged my daughter. Women's Aid have a live chat function. You can talk to them without him hearing. Please do. Please leave or make him leave. Sending love and support 💐

Health anxiety may be the driver for some of your husband’s behaviour. However, at the root of it, he is abusive. His health anxiety may be exacerbating the abuse. It is not causing him to be abusive in the way you’re describing.

Ring his doctor / your doctor
You need to get him out of the house
He’s abusing you ,using his anxiety to get away with it
Your children do not need this shit
Sounds like he needs some medical help / poss sectioning
You can’t be responsible for him as well as your children,he is not your responsibility.

Are you scared that he will take the children away? It won't happen. Don't let him abuse you like that.

Please phone the gp or womens aid. He needs help and you need to be free from his abusive ways. What affect is this having on the children.

I really agree with others that you need to get some help urgently because this won’t get any better. He is obviously in a bad place and without help he will only spiral downwards which will only make things worse. The problem is he isn’t looking at things rationally and he obviously has a temper which can make him very unpredictable.

For some immediate support for you in dealing with him there is a charity called AnxietyUK that are set up to help people cope with anxiety disorders. They have a special page on their website on how to cope with Coronanxiety which may give you some tips on how to deal with him/calm him down. They also have a helpline and a text line that you/he can contact them on for advice.

www.anxietyuk.org.uk/coronanxiety-support-resources/

Also if you can’t phone your GP without him listening in what about emailing them explaining exactly what the situation is like and that you need help. If you look on your GP’s surgery website they will usually have an email address that you can use. Don’t sugarcoat it, tell them exactly how unreasonable he is and that you are worried about both you and your children’s safety. If not do you have a friend/relative that you can email and explain the situation to who could contact your GP on your behalf.

Out of interest what was his reaction to the GP ringing to up on you?

I have really bad health anxiety. First day of lockdown I had to speak with gp as I was in a very bad place. I did not give DH "orders" shout at him, verbally abuse him or listen to his phone calls. I took responsibility for his I was feeling and sought help because I know I have to be the best possible parent I can be.

This is domestic abuse dressed up as health anxiety. Life is too short to live with someone so controlling. If he won't seek help I would ask him to leave. Imagine 10/20 years of this?!

I agree with pp that this situation sounds scary and abusive and his mh should not excuse this, especially if he’s not seeking help. Calling women’s aid may not be possible right now with you all cooped up but they also have instant messaging and email support. Please do whatever it takes to stay safe.

www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/

Please contact Woman's aid. Forget trying to rationalise his behaviour, think more about the next steps. He's wearing you down. I'd honestly be thinking about divorce. Who can live like this!

He’s being abusive. That’s not to say he doesn’t have anxiety it sounds like he does but that’s not an excuse to abuse you, so obviously in fact that the GP surgery rang you later to make sure you were ok and safe.

You are allowed to leave your home during lockdown if you are seeking a safe place to go (like a refuge for example). Is there any family you can go to and see out the rest of lockdown with?

He won’t accept help and it sounds like this is going to get worse for you as his mental health deteriorates further. Speak to women’s aid they have an online chat service as well as the phone number but you won’t be able to call them by the sound of it.

I beg you to leave him for your childrens sake, they shouldnt grow up thinking this is okay. My husband also has really bad anxiety but he isnt abusive just overly worried and cautious. Plus coronavirus will always be around and they wont get a vaccine for probably another year to 2 years of ever....

Could you live with this for a year? Trust me you need to think about your kids here and he wont take them away from you, but to put a case on your side i would phone womans aid, it would go in your favour that hes abusive and controlling.

As everyone else says this is abusive. You don’t need to put up with it. If it was only anxiety he’d seek help to lessen the impact on his family; there is contempt for you in there as well. It’s great you have witnesses to his abuse. You don’t need to believe his threats. He’s not going to get far in court.

Pritti Patel said in her briefing yesterday that if you are being abused and can’t talk- phone 999 from your Mobil and then press 55. Police should be able to track you and come to your assistance. The government have just announced additional money to support domestic abuse. Please don’t stay!

Can you email WA?

Could you send a message to a relative?

Anxiety or not, his behaviour is not within the normal realms. I think it’s abusive and controlling (won’t let you go out, uses the DC to keep you in line and listens to your conversations).

If you message a relative/friend ask them to contact the police for you.

I really think that you need to leave. The sooner rather than later.

Is there anywhere you and the children could stay while the pandemic plays out?
Or does he have any relatives he could stay with?
This is seriously abusive and you can't stay with him. You will give your children serious mental health issues if you make them grow up with him.

Oh love . You poor woman and your poor babies . Please remember to delete your history from here and leave some innocuous history. He may ramp things up if he knew what you had posted. And get the fuck out. There is help. You don't have to stay in this situation another night. You and your children deserve better.