To be fed up with dh reaction to Coronavirus

[tiredandgrumpyx]

Ok so my dh and I have a two year old and 3 month old dd I'm work for the nhs but am on maternity leave. My husband has some mental health issues one of which is health anxiety. He literally cannot have anything wrong with him without him thinking it's cancer or something else awful and it's left to me to reassure him. Well since the COVID has happened he has been unbearable he's been abusive verbally he's put us into isolation even tho no ones had any symptoms we had to take our baby for vaccinations which took me a whole load of begging for him to even allow us to go to the drs to get them and he was so anxious that he kicked off at me because I hadn't put my mask on he literally gave me no time to do it he was shouting at me so bad that the nurse had a dr phone me that evening to check I was safe and ok.
Every time he gets like this he threatens to take my children off me and divorce me when this is over because I don't care if they die of Coronavirus
Tonight he's had a panic attack because he's had a bit of a tickly cough I've tried to explain that we have a high pollen count today and that's probably it he has no temperature at all he's been hyperventilating being vile and I literally can't take anymore of it I'm tired I have two little children to care for I can't escape it I'm not sure what to do with him
I'm drained I've literally got nobody to talk to I feel bad but I also feel like he's using his anxiety as an excuse to be abusive

Please don't wait, OP. Call someone, don't wait till lockdown is over. He is abusing you, and your children will sense what's going on even if he's nice to them. Get help

Given that he shouted so much in front of the nurse I would hope this is just his anxiety going out of control, an abuser would be nice as pie in front of these professionals.

However the potential is definitely there for escalation. He may be ill but that doesn't mean he can't get help for that illness or start controlling the op in other ways.

I think you should get back in touch with GP or nurse explain you aren't alright and need help, if things get bad or you feel particularly threatened to unsafe then ring 999/55

Don't underestimate the implications of the doctor calling to check up on you after his behaviour in the clinic.
They will almost certainly be "expecting" (or maybe I mean "hoping") to hear from you soon.

tiredandgrumpyx Sun 12-Apr-20 08:42:36

I am concerned that you are minimising here. I know why this is. It is a scary place to be with a baby and a toddler. I have been there myself.

Right now all of your energy is focused on just getting through each day. He has reduced your options significantly just by exhausting you emotionally and mentally.

This won't get better.
You could get him removed from your home this day if you could steel yourself to do it.

Don't wait until the lockdown is over.

It could go on for months.

There is never an ideal time to take the bull by the horns. But there is everything to lose by putting it off.

I developed panic disorder years ago and I can feel his desperation and I think his health anxiety has turned into a panic disorder. He's being abusive and extreme in his responses to keeping everyone safe. (I'm sure you've heard too much of his catastrophising now)

But the thing is you can't get better with status quo you get worse, it gets worse because it validates your fears. So you need to push yourself to feel uncomfortable then push yourself again the next day til your out of the catastrophising cycle.

It took me 18 months to stop having panic attacks (9 months to get CBT and 9 months to work on myself)

Stand up for yourself and just go out you don't need his permission and it's just validating his ideas. It will help with the notion for you that he'll take the kids away too (not going to happen!)
If he becomes more verbally abusive call WA or the police.

This is for your husband and others suffering with health anxiety/ anxiety/ panic disorder at the moment.

llttf.com/

I just "behave" during the day in front of children

Please don't get sucked into believing you can control this.

You didn't cause it.
You can't cure it.
You can't control it either.

Putting your faith in control by behaving the way he wants you to is last gasp desperation. It's what you do when it's all you have left - a tenuous thread keeping you all from disaster. It's also a thread keeping you from facing the horror fully. You need to believe you have some power here. All that is natural, and normal. But the instinct to keep on getting through each day without rocking the boat isn't your friend for the long term or even the medium range. That instinct is what is going to keep you imprisoned in this relationship.

Please reach out for help.

Hi, I'm sorry to hear about your situation. It sounds really stressful and I understand how stuck you must be feeling right now. Sounds like your husband's longstanding anxiety issues have been greatly exacerbated due to the covid situtation and he is becoming increasingly controlling over aspects of your every day life and even threatening you with taking the kids away. This is coercive and controlling behaviour, which is now recognised as a criminal offence and a form of domestic abuse. His anxiety disorder is not an excuse for his abusive behaviour. I work with lots of people suffering health anxiety without need to abuse their partners. It does not sound like he is willing to accept help or is able to recognise/acknowledge his behaviour is inappropriate at the moment.

Therefore you need further advice. If you cannot call women's aid because of your husband listening in, you can email them and they will get back in touch with you within 5 working days or there is a live online chat. Please heck out their website. They will be experienced in situations like this and will be able to offer the best options for you. There's no point sitting around worrying endlessly as it will not change the situation and will only make you feel worse. Two minds are better than one, so seek out some professional help.

No no no.

He is using his anxiety to smokescreen his abusive behaviour.
Nothing about this is ok. I agree with calling the nurse.

You say you work in the NHS OP? Does your Trust have an employee assistance programme? Most do. You can use this FOC for yourself for counselling, legal and financial advice etc. Doesn't matter that you are on mat leave.

Please don’t inadvertently teach your children to behave in order to manage abusive behaviour.

Dig deep op and do this for them.

Call the nurse back, your health visitor or someone else.

His anxiety is not an excuse to abuse you. It never is and never will be.

There is always somewhere to go. For all we’re “locked down” domestic abuse victims or anyone who becomes homeless won’t be left on the kerb.

They won’t allow him to take your child either, the nurse at your gp’s surgery would be able to agree that he is not acting rationally and was concerned about potential abuse. He can of course apply for a court order for visits but that won’t happen for now.

Please protect yourself. 5 women have died in this lockdown at the hands of their abusers. One took their children’s life’s too. It’s fucking horrible.

Threatening to take the kids has absolutely nothing to do with health anxiety. It's just a spiteful abusive thing to say to make you scared and do what he wants. You can see what's going on. Please get help because it is escalating clearly and it's not fair on you and children.

This is heart breaking.

Please don't stay. It only hurts you and your children more.

This really isn't ok.

Yes you do need to leave him and your last backtracking post is only making it sound worse.

This could go on a long time. He needs to leave before there is a really bad episode - because you and/or your children could get seriously hurt.

He is not safe.

So the nurse called you to check you were ok but didn't ask a.doctor to.contact him to talk about his escalating mental health problem?
He needs help. Now.

He is trying to control a situation and his environment in anyway he can, unfortunately that is being projected as controlling you. He is scared and this is causing his behaviour.
However, it is not acceptable and if he won’t get the help he needs to improve your life, you have to get the help you need to improve you life and leave, and you need to spell this out to him. Is this really the environment you want your kids growing up in? It sounds very damaging.
For what it’s worth, no court would stop you having your kids, and I doubt they’d give primary care to someone who had untreated mental health issues with controlling behaviour, perhaps you should point that out to him.

This is coercive control.
It is damaging you.
It is damaging your children.
You can not change his behaviour for him. He has to recognise it and want to change it.
Tiptoeing around his demands does not solve the problem or hide the damage.
Please take up the practical support/ advice options offered on this thread.

The government and police know that this is a very dangerous time for domestic abuse and have explicitly stated that it is reasonable to leave during this time.
Please do not wait for lockdown to end before taking action. Some women/ families will not survive until that point. Far too many will be very damaged by then.

So again thank you all for your support I really just felt so alone and at a loss you've all been amazing
I've banished him to the bedroom today and he has promised to seek help from his dr on Tuesday which I've agreed he has to because I can't continue with this behaviour so we will see usually he's not this bad it's just been really bad since the Coronavirus I'm still considering leaving but for the moment I'm ok and the children are also ok
Thanks again

Here if you need us again op. It’s a good first step.

I think unfortunately this is a very stressful situation and especially so in that we are all dependent on the behaviour or others.
So say a shieding person living with others or a diabetic etc. The reality is if 1 person gets it 1/4 chance or more the others will too.
Unually your H would probably just need to control his own behaviour.

Ideally people at more risk (not sure if he is) would move out to live alone.
We have a similar situation as 1 person is asthmatic but we have kids and when they go back to school or 1 person goes back to work it's probably game over for avoiding it.
So i can see where the stress is coming from.
If he does have covid that in itself seems to increase stress and anxiety levels.

My heart goes out to you op. I do feel sorry with people with mh issues. I have suffered from depression in the past and the lock down is getting to me. However your dh is using his health anxiety as a smoke screen to abuse you and that is never okay. Please get the help you need before the situation gets worse

I’m glad you’re thinking of leaving, this life sounds awful for you and your children. There is no excuse for threatening to take your children away, your 2 year old must be terrified and you must still be recovering from pregnancy and birth if your baby is young enough for vaccinations. If he becomes abusive again please call the police and I agree with posters advising women’s aid regardless.

You need to mentally give yourself permission to call a halt to it all, @tiredandgrumpyx.

It's very hard to live with the threat of this hanging over you, which it will be.

YY to calling Women's Aid even though you feel you have some breathing room at this moment. You need to know that someone out there has your back.

And you need to open up to your family and friends and colleagues about this. When you do, tell them what you need from them in terms of support.