My male friend is not what he claims to be.

[Newjobnewlifenewrules]

I've name changed as I've been reading some of my old threads and they're a little identifiable.

I'm married and I have a male friend, we've been mates for about five years. I have zero sexual feelings towards him, he has alluded to feelings for me in the past (a long time ago) but he's never made a pass or been outright about it. We meet for coffees once or twice a month, speak on the phone a little and he was very helpful to me during a difficult time at work a couple of years ago.

He is a dreamer, very focused on star signs, the "Universe" all those sorts of things. Believes if he thinks hard enough about something it will happen, e.g. new car.

Anyway to get to my AIBU. He's always told me he has his own business, he works from home, and he makes regular business trips to London. I've never been inside his home, and although he's always talking about big deals and contracts I've never seen any evidence of this. I now believe all of this is a lie. I think he claims benefits and the house he lives in his rented by his parents. I think he lives in this bubble where if he believes he has a successful business strongly enough, it will happen for him.

There's just a few things that have happened recently that have made me think he's not all he claims to be. I wouldn't have cared who he worked for, or what he did or didn't do for a living if he'd said from the start. I just don't like being lied to.

I have always been a bit freaked out by people pretending to be someone else, it really scares me (childhood fright), and I've been really scared by this. AIBU?

I can't ask him directly as he'll be very upset if, a. I've got it all wrong and he is genuine (highly unlikely), or b. he is lying and I've found him out.

I'd let this fizzle out. It doesn't sound like you really get a lot from this friendship and he doesn't appear to be special or close enough to you for you to ask him outright about these things. Just let the friendship fizzle out from reduced contact as time goes by.

What makes you think he is lieing? Really you have two choices ask him or break off the friendship, it sounds like the friendship is dead in the water anyway because either A) you dont ask him and you forever has suspicions and dont trust him or B) you ask him he gets offended and breaks off the friendship. There is a small chance of option C) you ask him and he has a good explanation for lieing or proof that he isnt and your mind is put to rest.
Personally I would ask him but I would want an explanation and want to give him a chance to give me one and you haven't got anything to lose if you dont ask him.

Only problem is he lives very close by and under normal circumstances I usually bump into him in the local shop. I'll ask him how his week has been and he'll say, "oh great, I signed a new deal with xxx yesterday, it meant another trip to London". I now think it's all rubbish.

A few reasons for me thinking he's lying, just adding it up over the last few years it's starting to make sense.

I'd find that really annoying. He must be really insecure to have to lie but then again he may have some sort of psychological problem. I once knew a lady who lied about having cancer, kids being in intensive care and so on. Really extreme lies. I'd distance myself as it will just annoy you further and it will start showing and create tension. An ex did similar. He was Mr big shot and made up loads of lies. He was very insecure and a narcissist. No one wants to be around someone who lies and makes crap up.

He is a dreamer, very focused on star signs, the "Universe" all those sorts of things. Believes if he thinks hard enough about something it will happen, e.g. new car.

This doesn't really sound like the personality of a successful businessman to me.

He sounds like he’s into the Law of Attraction. I am too and some people believe that you literally have to fake it until you make it, which is where it gets weird. It’s definitely worked for me before (but I did more than just think) but maybe that’s it? I would ask him about LoA see what he says :)

If he has a limited company, he’ll be on the register of directors and you can google this easily. Harder if he’s a sole trader I guess.

Drift slowly away

He might have a business, but what does he actually do exactly?

Ask him if you can tag along to London next time he goes?

That’s sounds like a real shame for him and your friendship with him.
Is there no way there’s a rational explanation for some of the things? What were they, if you can say?

He sounds like he’s into the Law of Attraction. I am too and some people believe that you literally have to fake it until you make it

Does that include telling pathetic, Walter Mitty-style untruths to your friends? Or does the 'Law' allow you to say 'Actually, I'm a pathetic fantasist who thinks that all the people without shiny new cars etc just haven't thought about them hard enough'?

I didn’t think “fake it until you make it” means literally lie about what you do for a living etc I thought it meant pretend to be confident in a situation when you aren’t eg new job.

I don’t see how you can be friends with someone if they constantly lie. It’s definitely unsettling. I think I’d let the friendship naturally fizzle out

It sounds like you're right, but anyway it shouldn't be difficult to check.
Have you googled him and checked LinkedIn for a start?
You may also find information on the electoral register unless his household has opted out of the full register: www.gov.uk/electoral-register/view-electoral-register

@Newjobnewlifenewrules

If you know the address you can inspect the electoral register [in normal times] it is a public document and will be at the council offices. In these times a member of staff "might" look it up over the phone.

He's like the majority of people on social media then. If he's living in a dream world who are you to burst his bubble, maybe just accept it and that he has serious issues which you're not going to solve by calling him out.

I have always been a bit freaked out by people pretending to be someone else

Everyone is......

Does that include telling pathetic, Walter Mitty-style untruths to your friends?

usually yes

The Secret and the Law of Attraction are all about positive thinking and the new thought movement whereby if you think something is true and think it hard anough it becomes true

Or does the 'Law' allow you to say 'Actually, I'm a pathetic fantasist who thinks that all the people without shiny new cars etc just haven't thought about them hard enough'?

the above without the "pathetic fantasist" bit

this video is helpful in understanding it

@hoodathunkit @SeaLettuce I will admit I don’t ‘pretend’ to be, for example, the owner of a huge company etc etc. Some people take it far too far and will just full on lie and pretend that they have all this in their life when they don’t. There’s other parts I don’t agree with eg just spend all your money cause you’ll get more’ (that’s how you get into massive amounts of debt 😂) but to me: It’s all about thinking about your goals in life and making an action plan to achieve them. I also don’t think anyone who doesn’t have a good life didn’t think hard enough for a good one: I want D cup boobs which I think about every day but I’m still stuck with Bs 😂😂

He’s called Portugal?

This is a massive warning sign. I really feel strongly that you should cut contact with him. Lockdown is a good time to do it without it being a confrontation. What does your husband think about the situation?

Pitaly?
Paustralia?
( sidetracked)

I have always been a bit freaked out by people pretending to be someone else, it really scares me (childhood fright), and I've been really scared by this. AIBU?

That's not anxiety or a phobia- that is just good common sense....

Pindia? Postralia?