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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

My male friend is not what he claims to be.

90 replies

Newjobnewlifenewrules · 11/04/2020 13:48

I've name changed as I've been reading some of my old threads and they're a little identifiable.

I'm married and I have a male friend, we've been mates for about five years. I have zero sexual feelings towards him, he has alluded to feelings for me in the past (a long time ago) but he's never made a pass or been outright about it. We meet for coffees once or twice a month, speak on the phone a little and he was very helpful to me during a difficult time at work a couple of years ago.

He is a dreamer, very focused on star signs, the "Universe" all those sorts of things. Believes if he thinks hard enough about something it will happen, e.g. new car.

Anyway to get to my AIBU. He's always told me he has his own business, he works from home, and he makes regular business trips to London. I've never been inside his home, and although he's always talking about big deals and contracts I've never seen any evidence of this. I now believe all of this is a lie. I think he claims benefits and the house he lives in his rented by his parents. I think he lives in this bubble where if he believes he has a successful business strongly enough, it will happen for him.

There's just a few things that have happened recently that have made me think he's not all he claims to be. I wouldn't have cared who he worked for, or what he did or didn't do for a living if he'd said from the start. I just don't like being lied to.

I have always been a bit freaked out by people pretending to be someone else, it really scares me (childhood fright), and I've been really scared by this. AIBU?

I can't ask him directly as he'll be very upset if, a. I've got it all wrong and he is genuine (highly unlikely), or b. he is lying and I've found him out.

OP posts:
Lynda07 · 11/04/2020 16:42

If it's the superficial relationship that you describe in your opening post, does it matter? I would only worry if he was a deep buddy of longstanding, this man isn't. You presumably enjoy your occasional meet ups, they sound harmless enough unless you haven't told everything.

Next time you go for coffee tell him you've applied to NASA to train as an astronaut.

bitheby · 11/04/2020 16:42

Mine began with an R and claimed to be Italian and had worked in Germany. Actually he is Iranian.

In case it's the same guy!

weliveincrazytimes · 11/04/2020 16:56

Grin Gotta be Philip Eanes

Guttersnipe · 11/04/2020 17:03

Aww @Butterer, I hope my Puru is not your Puru. Mine was a sweet little boy, very bright. I wouldn't like to think he is now unsuccessful and possibly even unhappy in life (as lying about your life would suggest).

TheFormidableMrsC · 11/04/2020 17:35

I've got a friend like this. Not avoidable as we are neighbours. However, it took me a really long time to realise that everything that came out of his mouth is bullshit. I like him, he's a nice chap and a good neighbour but I take everything with a large pinch of salt and just nod and smile. It's often low self-esteem that makes people do things like this. I would just keep him at arms length. Pretending to "do deals" is not really life threatening is it? Unless his behaviour is dangerous, I'd just feel sorry for him.

lowlandLucky · 11/04/2020 17:36

Maybe he has an awful life and he has made up a pretend world to help him get through. His stories arent hurting you, either go along with his world or dont speak to him

DrManhattan · 11/04/2020 17:40

Dont give him your bank account and sort code number

KrakowDawn · 11/04/2020 17:45

Aw, Prance was the best suggestion!
The first one I thought of was Poland Blush

PicsInRed · 11/04/2020 18:06

Papua New Guinea

🤣🤣🤣 why is this so funny 🤣🤣😂

PicsInRed · 11/04/2020 18:10

I'd be concerned, OP, that you are his Schrodinger's Life Partner. Until he makes a move and is explicitly rejected, you're neither his nor not his, combined with that dream making bullshit, I'd be a bit wary and handle this carefully.

Back away sloooowly as they say.

mrsmummy111 · 11/04/2020 18:50

How did you meet this friend may I ask?

TheWernethWife · 11/04/2020 19:20

I bet he's called Paine or Payne (to rhyme with Spain)

CSIblonde · 12/04/2020 00:13

Ask him who designed his business website & what it's name is as a friend's is looking for ideas & recommendations. Or straight out, what his company's name is as you might have useful contacts for him.

Newjobnewlifenewrules · 12/04/2020 11:07

Thanks for the comments, the P names made me laugh.

A few have asked what my husband thinks of it all. Not a lot really, he knows he's a friend I see infrequently and he also knows I think he tells a lot of lies. Husband thinks he probably wants more of me than I think he does, but he's only assuming this as they've never spent longer than 5 minutes together (bumped into in supermarket, etc). No secrets or lies. I'm seriously not interested in him in any way than a platonic friendship, but not even that anymore really.

I've been outside his house but never inside, I've dropped him off for example, so I know he lives there, but his 'home office' could be an iPad on the sofa. The more I see of him, the more I know he's lying.

As some of you have said, I don't see him all that often and it's not doing me any harm, other than the fact he's openly lying to me every time I see him. Not the sort of friendship I'm interested in.

OP posts:
BubblyBarbara · 12/04/2020 11:12

you are his Schrodinger's Life Partner

This is the best concept I’ve seen come up in a MN thread ever

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