Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it unfair to not want a third baby?

101 replies

jlzb92 · 11/04/2020 12:49

My husband and I currently have two beautiful little girls (23 month and 7 month old) We have always said we would have three children however after how much my life has changed and how bad my postnatal depression was and still is I am not wanting to have a third. I am not close with my husbands family due to past issues and live almost an hour away from my own family so I receive little help. I also do not have any friends as after getting married at 24 nobody stuck around so life is quite lonely and put depression on top of that. Whenever I address this with my husband he just tells me we aren’t stopping at 2. I have started to resent him and am finding it hard to be loving and kind towards him. Am I being unfair?

OP posts:
ChewChewIsMySpiritAnimal · 11/04/2020 12:52

Your little one is still a baby - it's very unfair for your husband to tell you it's happening regardless. You've barely had time to recover from number 2. It's your body and your choice if you don't want a third, you don't have to. It'll be you that carries, gives birth to and i expect you'll be the one who provides the majority of the early care, especially if you're breastfeeding.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 11/04/2020 12:52

No. The person who doesn't want another child ultimately has the final say and he's not the one who has to be pregnant and go through birth. Is he helpful with the children and around the house?

AnneLovesGilbert · 11/04/2020 12:54

Not at all. “We’re not stopping”? Does he think you and your body only exist to give him as many kids as he wants? He doesn’t sound very nice.

Eggcited · 11/04/2020 12:55

Absolutely not unfair. If anything it would be more unfair to bring another child into your family.

You have no support, resent your husband and are suffering from postnatal depression.

It's easy to say you want 3, but the reality of having children is very different to wanting them.

RandomMess · 11/04/2020 12:57

Please ensure you are on reliable contraceptives. When your "DH" can conceive and carry a baby he can have one!

cansu · 11/04/2020 12:58

It is not his decision. You need to take precautions and be clear that you are doing so because you do not want any more children. I think you also should start looking to build up your life outside the home. Being completely dependent on your partner for company is not that healthy for you.

Original poster
jlzb92 · 11/04/2020 12:58

@Waxonwaxoff0 he owns his own business and the last two years has worked 4am-7pm 5 days a week has Saturday off and then Sunday is at work 7am-4pm. He helps with the kids on Saturday and if he’s home by 8pm he will put the eldest to bed but otherwise everything falls onto me.

OP posts:
Original poster
jlzb92 · 11/04/2020 12:59

@RandomMess I am currently on contraception and have honestly considered having the merina secretly put in - does that make me horrible

OP posts:
Original poster
jlzb92 · 11/04/2020 13:01

@cansu it is so so hard - I have two sister in laws however our relationship is very toxic as is my relationship with my MIL. I’ve joined mum groups and stuff like that but I entered into play groups were everyone was already established and was on the outside and never invited to play dates and my invitations were never accepted

OP posts:
Eggcited · 11/04/2020 13:02

considered having the merina secretly put in - does that make me horrible

Of course not. The only horrible part of all this is that you feel like you'd have to do it without him knowing.

RandomMess · 11/04/2020 13:05

So he basically does a tiny amount of childcare and housework.

Why is he so desperate to keep you exhausted and trapped?

squeekums · 11/04/2020 13:07

I'm one and done, my choice, no swaying me
Dp would love a 2nd but I won't even consider it.

Your dh is being an ass. Id tell him same thing I tell dp, when men can gestate and birth he can have another.
You get what BC you feel is needed for you. It's not horrible to put your body first

Theweasleytwins · 11/04/2020 13:10

I wanted a third, h didn't
Accidentally got pregnant
I had a good reason, first pregnancy was twins and obviously that is different from the norm so I wanted to do something normal for once
My body my choice though

opticaldelusion · 11/04/2020 13:10

I'd tell him to leave and have his third child with someone else.

Liverbird77 · 11/04/2020 13:11

I'm pregnant with number two. I brought up the idea of trying for number three soon after this one is born but my husband wants to stop at two.
I can understand his reasoning and, as far as I am concerned, that's that. You can't force someone to have a child. Ultimately the one who doesn't want another really has the final say.

darceybussell · 11/04/2020 13:14

Is he this controlling about other things?

Fluffydogdog · 11/04/2020 13:17

If you don’t want another baby then that’s final. Like a PP said you have to BOTH want another to have another.

Are your other two DC the same gender? Is it because he wants a girl or a boy?

He sounds very controlling.

Keep going to baby groups and toddler groups - you’ll find your friends

3xmother · 11/04/2020 13:18

This is what I did :)) Tell him : yes let's try for another baby but I use contraception. He never knew i use contraception... If he was asking why I don't get pregnant I was tell him that i don't know why... maybe my body is too tired etc and when I knew I am ready for another baby I decide when I want to get pregnant . My husband he said he wants the house full of kids but guess what!? I m the only one looking after the kids day and night... So I decide how many we will have and when. We never had any argument about this, I tell him what he needs to hear and I do everything in my way. Good luck 🤞

TellLucyILoveHer · 11/04/2020 13:19

The person who doesn't want another child ultimately has the final say

This. Having a child if one of the parents don't want to is never an option.

The only horrible thing about secretly getting long-term contraception is the fact that you feel the need to do it secretly. I wouldn't want to be in a relationship like that.

Maybe you need to think about moving home closer to your friends and family, whether that's with or without your husband.

DeadButDelicious · 11/04/2020 13:21

Not unfair at all.

Your body, your choice. It's not like it's him carrying number 3 is it? If you don't want to put yourself through it again then that's that and he has to accept it.

The question really, is why does he think he can do the bare minimum while you pick up the slack and then have the brass neck to insist you have as many children as he desires? Is that the kind of man you really want?

In the meantime, you do whatever you have to do to make sure you don't have a baby you don't want. Look after yourself.

Snowflakes1122 · 11/04/2020 13:23

Your body, so he has no right to say you will be having a 3rd baby!

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 11/04/2020 13:24

We have always said we would have three children

Playing Devil's Advocate here : 3 children was the original plan.
Understandably at the moment with two small children and a DH working stupid hours ( 4am - 7pm so 15 hours Mon-Fri then 7am-4pm on Sun so 9 hours )
If I was working 83 hours a week, I'd be doing bugger all chores at home I tell you .

The decision to have a 3rd child has to be on both sides .

Is he hankering after a boy ? Have you asked him if this is the case ?

You've got two babies very close in age , it is phenomenoly hard work .

3xmother · 11/04/2020 13:26

Why all the women's they want to fight and arguing with their husbands about everything? You could say your opinion without fighting or shouting... Chill out people... Life is too short

Pinksaffire · 11/04/2020 13:27

I can see this from both sides.
I’ve been desperate for a third child for years but my husband doesn’t want another.
There are many reasons for this and ultimately I love our family unit more than I want another child. I also respect him and his viewpoint and would never make a big decision he wasn’t happy with but there have been times I’ve resented him and thought why should it be his option that is the one we go with.

I’m now focused on my career and have a very exciting new job and we are financially secure and don’t have to think about our spending. If we’d had a third I’m not sure we’d be in the position we are now.

I still want another child though!

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 11/04/2020 13:30

Must you make this decision now? You have two babies so close together- who the hell could rationally consider a third.
Tell your husband you need a few years break before revisiting the question but ultimately you can make the decision as the main career and the one who has the child

Swipe left for the next trending thread