Is it unfair to not want a third baby?

[jlzb92]

My husband and I currently have two beautiful little girls (23 month and 7 month old) We have always said we would have three children however after how much my life has changed and how bad my postnatal depression was and still is I am not wanting to have a third. I am not close with my husbands family due to past issues and live almost an hour away from my own family so I receive little help. I also do not have any friends as after getting married at 24 nobody stuck around so life is quite lonely and put depression on top of that. Whenever I address this with my husband he just tells me we aren’t stopping at 2. I have started to resent him and am finding it hard to be loving and kind towards him. Am I being unfair?

He sounds very selfish. Only have a baby if both parents want one. Don't give in OP!

@ilikebigbuttsandicannotlie agreed on having three (we currently have 2 lovely boys). If he were to now turn around and tell me we can’t have a third, I would honestly be devastated and I don’t think I would look at him the same way.

I think that would be so unfair on your poor husband and that you wouldn’t look at him the same way. You’ll only love him and look at him the same way if he gives you what you want with no regard or thought to what he wants? Without caring as to why he has changed his mind (ie depression like op?) Harsh. Your poor DH.

@ilikebigbuttsandicannotlie I agree with PP - you cant really treat people like that. things change, I always said I wanted loads of kids but I'm now thinking I actually just want to stick to the one I've got because I want to be able to work and give her everything she deserves time and money wise rather than having multiple children and putting extra stress on myself.

my partner wants a second, if he had the same opinion you do because I've changed my mind then I would be suggesting he look elsewhere and have more children with another person. ultimately, I think that's the answer in this situation always - if one person wants more and the other doesnt then you either learn to live with it or if you cant then you move on to someone who wants more children. you dont force or make someone feel bad until they give in

@josiejosie1 I think I would feel deceived. I’m not saying it’s right to feel that way, but I think I would. It’s not about him giving me what I want, it’s something we discussed and agreed together. My situation is very different though as I said in my post as our childcare is very balanced and we do have family help. I don’t think your comment of my poor dh is very fair at all. Each couple have discussions before committing to one another about expectations and desires in life to know if you’re compatible. We have both compromised in different ways and as a result, are very happy.

The Op is struggling alone and has depression so I think her situation is very different. I feel for her which is why I said to park the subject and revisit it in a year. In her position, I wouldn’t want another baby either.

@ilikebigbutts so if your DH was suffering depression and didn’t want another child you would be fine with it? I am not really understanding why you said you can see the point of the OP’s DH then?

YANBU for not wanting DC3, whatever your reasons (yours are v good ones). Your DH doesn’t come across well here.

Make sure your contraception is as good as possible.

@JosieJosie1 I see why her dh is upset as they had agreed on having 3 children and Op has changed her mind (for good, understandable reasons) but she has still changed her mind on something pretty big and important in a marriage. She hasn’t said she has changed her mind about what takeaway she wants tonight... If you got married on the understanding you and your dh were to have children, would you be okay with your dh just changing his mind?

What would happen if you had a third and it was another girl? How would he act towards her? Would he pressure you to keep going with more pregnancies until he got his precious son? I'd be even more disgusted with him that his main reason for wanting another was because he wasnt happy with the sex of the first two.

Also I think loads of people have an idea if they will want children or not and how many they want, before they get married. Fortunately in the marriage contract it doesn't hold you to these discussions, because the reality is that very few people have a realistic view of what being pregnant is like and how they'll cope. So its extremely common to change your view once you've seen what its actually like

@JosieJosie1 I see why her dh is upset as they had agreed on having 3 children and Op has changed her mind (for good, understandable reasons) but she has still changed her mind on something pretty big and important in a marriage.

But don’t you think a specific number of children is an odd thing to agree upon when neither of you have any experience of being parents? It’s all a bit of a pipe dream until it happens. Then life gets in the way and reality can be very different from the dream. It’s one thing to both decide whether you would like a family or not, quite another hold someone to a specific number; a number asked on what exactly?

My DM wanted six kids, she had two. Things change, and often after the realities of actually having children. It’s like how everyone is the perfect parent, until they have children.

Him able to spend his time how he likes

He's working 83 hours a week ....presumably for his family .
In his own business .
The majority of small businesses go to the wall in the first year , so good on him for showing this level of guts and determination.

OP says he has been working these punishing hours for 2 years ......and has a 7 month old , so decided to concieve Baby 2 while DH was working 80-+ hours .

Though someone will come along and say "maybe OP didn't want to concieve Baby 2 at this time" which is a whole different kettle of fish.

Don't have Baby 3 if you don't want Baby 3
But I think a load of posters are kicking the shit out of the DH .

"He's a bully"
"Is he controlling in other ways"
"He does no childcare"

Way to go to Tar'n'Feather eh?

He was in a marriage where he believed there would be 3 babies . He's being a bully because it would seem he wants a DC Boy at all costs .
But it doesn't need to be now .

I'd be on my bloody knees if I worked 80+ hours , own business right now .

Has anybody actually seen him working those hours?

How did your earnings compare? Could you offer to swap roles? See how he fancies a third when he is the one juggling house and children.

I can see why you don’t see much of the in-laws...

Op has a young toddler, a baby and post natal depression. I think she's quite within her rights to think having another child would be the wrong thing to do right now. I'm sure she didn't anticipate pnd when she agreed to having 3 children in rapid succession and essentially being a single parent. To top it all off she's expected to "produce a boy because it's only fair as his brothers have one each". Really !!! Circumstances change, and Op health comes before an agreement made with essentially an absentee husband/father.

Is he disappointed that he doesn’t have a son?

@70isaLimitNotaTarget not saying this is what's going on here but have you never heard of financial abuse? just because hes working all these hours doesnt mean he gets to dictate how many children OP should have - it's her body and she definitely doesnt owe him another one because hes running his own business.

the reason he is getting the comment is because he told her she will be having another baby - who has the right to tell someone what they will and wont do with their own body? oh and that's just fantastic, so it's okay hes being a bully or at the very least understandable because he wants a boy? well there's no guarantee he would get a boy anyway so then what, is it reasonable to continue until you get the sex you want or should you be grateful to be able to have 2 healthy children in the first place

"Whenever I address this with my husband he just tells me we aren’t stopping at 2."

This is chilling. Make sure you are using reliable contraception that he can't mess with. Something like the coil or the implant.

It's your body, you'd be the one going through pregnancy and childbirth, and you do 95% of the childcare FFS!

He sounds the type to be controlling in other ways. Is he?

The person who doesn't want a child trumps the needs of the person who does. No matter how upsetting this is. If my husband didn't want more kids and I did. I would have to chose between him and having them with someone else.

He does NOT dictate that you have a child using your body. You are not a bloody uterus with legs.
I would suggest the pill rather than the coil as you may bleed for weeks.
And if you want to do it secretly, your body your choice, but I would suggest you assess your relationship as he is controlling and unpleasant and life is too short to waste on someone like this.

have you never heard of financial abuse?
Yes of course , but the OP hasn't said anything to suggest this.

And unless the OP was coerced into getting pregnant , then she chose to get pregnant again when her DC 1 was 7 months. Again nothing to suggest she wasn't 100% on board.

The MIL dripping poison about her other family having sons and having no social outlet is not helping her PND at all.

Definately not the time to think abut another DC .
But the OP mentions in this culture it is normal to have DC young and close together . So this is what the DH family are used to.

he just tells me we aren’t stopping at 2

Rapey abusive arsehole!

You need to make sure he isn’t tampering with your existing contraception- are you on the pill? You need to hide them so he can’t swap them for fakes! The implant/ minera is a good idea but the better idea is you take your dcs and go to your mums and don’t go back.

He just sees you as a son making machine. Is that all you are? Is this the life you want fir your Dd’s- to grow up with a parent that doesn’t want them??

You're absolutely not being unreasonable. At all.

But I wouldn't do anything hg secretly. That just means your marriage is over.

You should talk to him. Firmly tell him that right now you are done. That his work life balance is going to mean you will never ever bring another child into this world.
That he isn't parenting the two he's got. When and if he manages to do that then maybe you could talk about more.

"When and if he manages to do that then maybe you could talk about more."

She doesn't want more, though!

And she can say that then.

@CecilyP The vast majority of people I know have a number of children in mind before becoming parents - most of them say 1 or 2. Whether they have this exact number is another matter entirely. A good friend always wanted 3 or 4 and then had the most horrific birth and stopped at 1 (her husband was also very traumatised). Quite a few have said 2 and have had 2. Another friend also insisted she’d never have children - fast forward a few years and she had one little boy and wanted a sibling for him and ended up with twin boys 18 months later 🤣.

Whilst of course you can’t hold someone to a number discussed before having children, if one partner still wants that discussed number, then it’s very normal for them to be disappointed and want more. What is not okay is the Op’s dh dictating to her as if she has no say in the matter.