Is it unfair to not want a third baby?

[jlzb92]

My husband and I currently have two beautiful little girls (23 month and 7 month old) We have always said we would have three children however after how much my life has changed and how bad my postnatal depression was and still is I am not wanting to have a third. I am not close with my husbands family due to past issues and live almost an hour away from my own family so I receive little help. I also do not have any friends as after getting married at 24 nobody stuck around so life is quite lonely and put depression on top of that. Whenever I address this with my husband he just tells me we aren’t stopping at 2. I have started to resent him and am finding it hard to be loving and kind towards him. Am I being unfair?

We always said 3 children but after 2 I feel I’m done and said that during my pregnancy with my second. DH likes the idea of a third but the deciding factor has to go to the person who doesn’t want another child and as it would be me carrying a baby and doing 80% of the care then I’m not going to change my mind just based on DH.
Its not his choice and don’t be pushed to do anything you don’t want to do. All that said Do you need to be making a final decision about it at the moment? Could you not shelve the conversation for when your baby is older?

Re-reading one of your comments, I can see the housework inequality may be because of his long hours.

But he's self-employed, which means that his long hours are his choice. He doesn't get to dump all his chores on you when you're already working FT.

You have just as much right to choose what you do with your free time... he chooses to spend it in his business, why did you choose to spend it doing your husband's chores?!

You are an equal to him in your relationship, something you both seem to have forgotten a long time ago.

@Fluffydogdog he never cared honestly until his mum got involved and kept rubbing in that his brothers have one of each!!!

Hello
Maybe just see how you feel in a couple of years, you are still young and your children a very young and there is a small gap in between them which is extremely hard.
How are you doing? How is your mental health? This to me would be the most important thing? Are you feeling lonely with your husband working so much, no close family or friends?
If so I would spend some time (when you can!!!) thinking about you And making future goals no matter how big or small.
Best wishes

@user1493413286 i think because he is already 34 he is desperate to have more while I am 27

But having three children doesn’t change his life, it changes yours massively.

I wouldn’t secretly go on contraception. It’s a totally valid decision to not want a baby. Your dh needs to accept that.

@browzingss it’s been really hard as soon as I got married everyone stopped responding because no one was in a relationship or married so I automatically became the “one who doesn’t get invited because she’s married”

It’s really lonely my mum will always offer to take them when she can or when I have appointments and she’ll call me but a phone call is so different to human interaction. I spend 90% of my day talking about Peppa pig with my 2 year old who can barely form a 2 word sentence

How can any decent man watch his wife suffer PND, know that she’s on her own doing ALL the work involved in running a house and raising the children (“helps” on Saturday morning - LOL) and think he gets to insist and demand that she puts herself through it all over again?
HOW?

Once lockdown is over, find your local mum and baby groups. In a few months you'll be taking your eldest to nursery and for playdates . I made a few friends with the nursery and baby group mums . They had the same sarcastic off colour sense of humour. We met up regularly. Some suffered pnd after each pregnancy and were able to provide some support to each other. Your body your decision, but get out and meet people when you can. There are others in your position that can help.

It sounds like your marriage has issues and I don’t think you should bring another child into this

I don’t think he respects you, are there cultural issues at play? He seems to put the opinion of his mother over your well-being. Disgusting that boys are more “valuable” than girls and she treats your girls differently as a result.

He doesn’t help out with the current children, if your child has been crying for 6 hours he shouldn’t be coming up to you and complaining, it’s his baby too he should help comfort her?

You have given up your job and your identity, I think you need time to yourself to get back to who you are instead of being saddled with looking after 3 children under 3.

Honestly I think 24 and 31 (the ages you wed at) is a bit odd, only because I’m 23 and wouldn’t date a 30 year old as we’d be in completely different stages of our lives. It’s evident in your relationship, he wanted to rush marriage and kids because he’s older and succumbing to peer pressure from his family, whereas you have essentially sacrificed your 20s for him and have lost yourself in the process.

Your second is still so little and you have such a short age gap, 3 would be incredibly hard work right now especially as you get no help.

I don’t know how you’re doing as well as you are. I have a bigger gap and my DH works long hours too. I still expect him to do way more around the house than yours do. And 6 hours of crying and he just walks away? I’d be apocalyptic.

The trouble is, if you have two or more of the same gender, you have a much higher chance of having another of that same gender. Here’s a study and why (and I’m sure you know it’s all his sperm):

*“Newcastle researcher Corry Gellatly demonstrates that it is likely men carry two different types of allele, which results in three possible combinations in a gene that controls the ratio of X and Y sperm.”

Therefore, adds Dr. Langdon, men with the first combination, known as mm, produce more Y sperm and have more sons. “The second, known as mf, produce a roughly equal number of X and Y sperm and have an approximately equal number of sons and daughters. The third, known as ff produce more X sperm and have more daughters.”*

www.familyeducation.com/pregnancy/why-do-some-women-only-give-birth-to-boys-or-girls-a-genetic-explanation

So even if you did have another, chances are it would be another girl.

And then he’d want another, wouldn’t he?

You’re both very young. I didn’t even have my FIRST when I was 34.

Ultimately, I do agree that the person who doesn’t want to have a third baby has the final say.

However, I do completely understand why your husband is upset, although his way of saying it is very unkind. My husband and I also agreed on having three (we currently have 2 lovely boys). If he were to now turn around and tell me we can’t have a third, I would honestly be devastated and I don’t think I would look at him the same way. Our childcare is much more balanced though and we have some family support.

Maybe say to your husband that you don’t want another baby for now but you will revisit the topic in a year. Your baby is still tiny so you may change your mind. Make it clear that it doesn’t mean you will change your mind but you can sit down and make a decision together in a year. You can also explain how he needs to help more for another baby to be a consideration.

he is a great husband
He doesnt sound that great.

it doesn’t help that my MIL keeps telling me I need to give him a son

So in true MN you have a MIL problem !

I had DS at 33.6 and DD at 36 so it was hard going there were 2.6 years between but I thought if I waited I might not ever have DC2 ( or I might not have wanted to go through it again )

If you think you'd like DC3 at some time ( and you have plenty of time ) then fair do.
If you don't ever want DC3 then you need to have a full on frank discussion.
Unfortunately there isn't a lot of outside help out there at the moment .

But educate your DH on genetics (and your interfereing MIL ) that it isn't you that will ^give your DH a son) it is the male sperm that dictates .

I am still that people are so unaware of this .

So what would happen if you had a third and it was another DD? Would he then want a fourth? Does MIL understand that it's her son who is giving you daughters and not the other way around? I'd definitely consider getting that coil fitted OP.

Your children are so young. Perhaps agree with dh to wait until the youngest is perhaps 3/4 then decide. My 3rd child broke me at the time and.i had always wanted 4

You are absolutely allowed to change your mind. When you talked about having 3 children originally it was all pie in the sky. Reality has hit and you understand your limitations as a mother. It sounds very much like he wants a son, not a third child. If you have another girl is he going to push for a 4th? Put your foot down now and save you and your 2 DC's the mental health issues which will undoubtedly arise due to having a 3rd at the wrong time. At 34 he is probably quite a young father now. You could say not now and re evaluate when the youngest is at school. If you do go with a not now, possibly later be really clear that if he talks about it or tries to pressure you it will be an absolute no.

OP, you life sounds utterly relentless, and very lonely.

You are doing the overwhelming majority of the parenting and all the household chores.

Believe me, another baby soon will most likely tip you over the edge.

He does not do much with his children, it sounds like a numbers game to him without contributing.

"TELLING" you that you are not stopping is a highly disrespectful and to my mind abusive.
My reaction would be WTF??? Who exactly does he think he is.

He sounds like a nasty, controlling bully.

Protect yourself OP.

So he currently has 2 children - 2 babies- that he sees remarkably little of (probably far less than the average dad) and he now wants a third to also see remarkably little of. Of course YANBU and I don’t know how you you can even think you’re being unfair. I think your isolation is skewing your perception of what is normal. You have 2 children very close together and if you were to want a third, there is no need to do it right now. You are both very young - yes both of you; your DH is not getting old at 34. Your MIL already has grandsons; if that is favoured type of grandchild why on earth does she need you to provide her with more?

Definitely do not have a third any time soon. Please try the baby groups again as soon as lockdown is over. Even if you don’t find great new friends from it, you still find adults to share things with and enjoy the company of. You won’t be the new girl forever.

If he wants a third because he wants a boy, then he and mil have to be prepared that there's a high chance he'll get you pregnant with another girl. This is not on you. His sperm his responsibility and mil should butt out. I agree with pp, mil needs a biology lesson .

I think it’s disgusting you literally carried and birthed his child and as it wasn’t the gender he wants wants to get pregnant again straight away 3 months later to get the one he does want. zero consideration for you. It doesn’t sit well with me at all. Of course he was ready to go again when your youngest was 3 months. Having children doesn’t impact on him at all.. You do everything for the kids and he does a token bit of playing and maybe putting the eldest (ergo easiest) to bed. If I am honest your relationship sounds Unequal and your husband sounds uncaring. It seems you facilitate him getting what he wants and that’s all he sees you as (However many kids, housework and childcare all done for him, Him able to spend his time how he likes) rather than him valuing you or caring about you as a person and your wants and needs and thoughts.

I'm the same OP my DH wanted more, but it isn't them carrying and looking after the baby most of the time..

You do what you want have a Mirena, have just two, it is your body and bother parents need to be on board with having more children. Take care

You do you here. You are a partnership. He doesn’t get to decide for both of you. He sounds very inconsiderate at best to not be taking on board your feelings and needs.