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AIBU?

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Original poster

Is it unfair to not want a third baby?

101 replies

jlzb92 · 11/04/2020 12:49

My husband and I currently have two beautiful little girls (23 month and 7 month old) We have always said we would have three children however after how much my life has changed and how bad my postnatal depression was and still is I am not wanting to have a third. I am not close with my husbands family due to past issues and live almost an hour away from my own family so I receive little help. I also do not have any friends as after getting married at 24 nobody stuck around so life is quite lonely and put depression on top of that. Whenever I address this with my husband he just tells me we aren’t stopping at 2. I have started to resent him and am finding it hard to be loving and kind towards him. Am I being unfair?

OP posts:
user1635896324685367 · 11/04/2020 13:30

He sounds like a bully.

EmeraldShamrock · 11/04/2020 13:30

If you're already suffering from PND I'd leave it a few years.
It could push you over the edge with 3 DC.

EmeraldShamrock · 11/04/2020 13:32

Is it in your culture to have them so close. I'd definitely have a secret coil if there was going to be agro about it.

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 11/04/2020 13:35

Lots of couples have disagreements about how many kids to have or when to have them. Of course you are not being unreasonable not to want another child. You've got 2 under 2, do all the childcare single handedly and have depression. I highly doubt many people in your position would want another.

What is unreasonable is that your husband doesnt seem to be listening to you, he doesnt seem to care about your wellbeing, and he seems to think he has the final say about something that will primarily affect you, then your other children, and him least of all

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 11/04/2020 13:35

I think if you need to get a secret coil, things are so bad in your relationship that you actually need to leave him

WeAllHaveWings · 11/04/2020 13:36

Do not secretly get the mirena put in. Think about why you would not tell him it is going in and if that dynamic is acceptable. Your body your decision.

browzingss · 11/04/2020 13:39

I’m not surprised you don’t want another right now, your oldest is only 2. There’s no need to have a third so soon, just wait a few years - no need to commit this very second

Exoffice · 11/04/2020 13:39

it's very simple - if one of you really doesn't not want a DC3, then it should not happen. A veto tops another person's desire for another child.

He sounds like a bully - I find it rather concerning that he thinks he can overrule your decision as to what to do with your own body? You don't even need the 'excuses' of PND and lack of support network. Your call alone .

Are there other red flags?

Fluffydogdog · 11/04/2020 13:41

Oh sorry op I just saw that you have two girls.

Is this all because he’s desperate for a boy?

MulticolourMophead · 11/04/2020 13:41

Playing Devil's Advocate here : 3 children was the original plan.

Plans change, especially if those plans were made before the reality of pregnancies, babies, and pnd, etc, took place.

browzingss · 11/04/2020 13:44

Also I find it sad that you’re isolated from any social contact outside of your household.

Strange about your friends, I’m 23 and wouldn’t say that my friends who are married or in long term relationships/living together have isolated off from the rest of us. We still spend time together.

Bluetrews25 · 11/04/2020 13:44

If you have a mirena put in you might bleed daily for 6 weeks or so, like I did, that might be difficult to explain!

Figgygal · 11/04/2020 13:49

There’s no rush for a decision either way but he has no right to dictate anything to you when it’s your body

Hollyhobbi · 11/04/2020 13:49

It will also be better for the environment if you don't have another.

recycledbottle · 11/04/2020 13:49

If your husband isn't interested in what you want then you have bigger problems than deciding on babies. Is it possible that your husband is as toxic as his family.

LannieDuck · 11/04/2020 14:01

He helps with the kids on Saturday and if he’s home by 8pm he will put the eldest to bed but otherwise everything falls onto me.

So what he's saying is that he wants to create a whole lot more work for you, and he won't be helping at all?

In my book, whoever does the majority of the childcare gets a veto.

Why don't you suggest that you go back to work, and he gives up his business and becomes a SAHD? Once he's looked after your existing children for 2-3 months single handed (while you're at work), you'll consider having a third.... if he still wants it, of course. And under the proviso that he continues do all the childcare.

...i'm not joking. If he wants more children (and you don't), he needs to be the one to sacrifice his job/hobbies/life for them.

Exoffice · 11/04/2020 14:04

If you have a mirena put in you might bleed daily for 6 weeks or so, like I did, that might be difficult to explain!

The OP should not have to explain/justify herself to anyone for getting contraception in place when she does not want another child.

madcatladyforever · 11/04/2020 14:06

He says that does he. Is he going to have it for you then?
No I thought nother. Sorry he doesn't get to dictate. He sounds abusive to me
I'd nip that right in the bud now.
It sounds to me as if he is trying to isolate you which is extremely worryino.
Time for that talk where you tell him you are not having a third.

Original poster
jlzb92 · 11/04/2020 14:07

@70isaLimitNotaTarget and I totally 100% don’t ask him to do anything around the house given his work hours but our youngest is a crier and I’m talking a 6 hour long cry just for the sake of crying. He’ll come home hear it for 10 minutes and complain and all I can think is how would I do three?

OP posts:
NoMorePoliticsPlease · 11/04/2020 14:09

"we are not stopping at 2 " ?
Really?
No one can force you. You have every right to not have another child

Original poster
jlzb92 · 11/04/2020 14:09

@LannieDuck this is what he struggles to understand. Before children I worked full time and ran the house (all home duties were on me) which was fine because I had no kids to look after! When I tell him I gave up everything for our kids - my identity, my job, a social life etc he says he gave up things too but I then can’t say what he gave up a

OP posts:
Original poster
jlzb92 · 11/04/2020 14:11

@recycledbottle he is a great husband just shitty with wanting to grow a family I don’t think I can physically handle. I think because I am only 27 and he is 34 that maybe he feels old and needs to have them now

OP posts:
LannieDuck · 11/04/2020 14:12

Before children I worked full time and ran the house (all home duties were on me)

Why were all home duties on you when you both worked FT? There are some deep-seated issues here with your OH's attitude to the role of men and women...

Zombiemum1946 · 11/04/2020 14:13

You're essentially on your own with 2 very young children and post natal depression, he needs to listen to you and what you feel. Stay on contraception and look after yourself. Your both working hard, you need to get better not add to the load.

Original poster
jlzb92 · 11/04/2020 14:13

@OnlyFoolsnMothers he was desperate for number 3 when number 2 was 3 months old as my obstetrician gave me the all clear. He desperately wants a boy as it is the norm for our culture - it doesn’t help that my MIL keeps telling me I need to give him a son because both his brothers have one of each - when I was pregnant with number 2 she told me it was a shame it wasn’t a boy - she doesn’t see my kids often as I don’t want her negativity around them

OP posts:
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