AIBU to think hubby should stop going to the shops?

[tumpymummy]

Prior to all this coronaviurs I would do the main shopping for our family, but hubby would often pop to the shops to pick up milk and bread (particularly as there is a particular bakers that he likes the bread from). Plus somedays he wold pop to the small Sainsburys near where he works and bring home reduced items for dinner. Since lockdown I have been going to the shops once every 7 days to do a big shop, wearing gloves and then wiping everything down once I get home. We literally have a house full of food! Cupboards and freezer are full. Yet hubby is still going to the shops near work and bringing home the odd thing. I have told him on numerous occasions that I am not happy with this as everytime he goes to a shop he exposes our household to unnecessary risk. The other night I got upset and told him that I felt he was disrespecting my wishes. His argument being that it is fine because the shop near him is nearly always empty and at the bakers they all stand in line 2m apart. The other day I also told him that I didn't expect an easter egg from him, that I had picked some up for the kids with my weekly shop and my gift would be for him not to go to the shop. So last night he came home with more bread and some cider (for me). We have three f*g loaves already and 8 cans of cider that I bought in the weekly shop. I just dont get why he is not hearing me? I am more upset about the fact that he is completely ignoring my requests. I couldn't bear to be near him last night so avoided him all evening, watching TV in our bedroom. I am not normally someone who can do the whole 'not-talking' thing and now it is a new day I am wondering if I am over reacting?

The once a week is not in the lockdown rules. You can go out every day if you need to so long as it is essential things you need

And this is why a total lockdown is needed. Some people need rigid rules - because they can’t think for themselves.

YANBU OP. Why people insist on putting themselves, their families and others at risk for no reason beats me 😞

The problem isn't he goes shopping too much (though that's bad enough in these times) it's the fact he doesn't listen to a word you say.

people are supposed to be shopping for essentials once a week

Where does it say that?
Yes, it makes sense to go as little as you can.
Nowhere does it say you can only shop for essentials once a week though, that's another made up rule by posters on this site.
What happens if you don't drive and you have a large family? You get what you can carry at the time.
It's not always the case that you can just do a big "essential shop" once a week,
Sometimes circumstances say that you need to go more than once.
As long as you're shopping for essentials, there's nothing wrong with that.

We have a small Sainsbury's here. Everyone assumes it's closed because it's not an area known for its residents. It is extremely quiet and can shop in there by yourself, apart from a couple of staff members staying safely out of the way.

They steer customers towards self-checkout, and to reduce risk, only a few are open to give adequate space for everyone. Spray is also available near the baskets and also for the self-checkouts. The tills all have the plastic screen.

There's probably less risk in Sainsbury's than in a lot of workplaces.

Co-op, however, is shockingly bad. Staff standing in the doorway and the only way to get past gives you a very small gap. And despite all the posters surrounding them, fail to understand where the issue is. Or some really do think that little line to represent 6 feet, is actually that small. And yes I did wonder if people were really that stupid, and..

@WotchaTalkinBoutWillis Where has OP said her DH is shopping for a large family? What part of OP’s post makes you think he is shopping for essentials?

Shopping once a week 🤣
I don't drive, I usually get my groceries delivered, still haven't found one even though we are in the vulnerable isolated household.

Even if I could do a week shopping locally I would not be able to carry home a weeks shopping. I have teens and cats in the house. It would require all of us to go shopping and even then it would be a struggle as the one with adhd and the other with ODD plus various other things between them both, would make things extremely difficult for everyone else.

Thankfully, the government do seem to have some common sense and realise the impossibility on putting a limit of the number of times a person can shop in a week. For starters, because of selfish cunts who emptied the shelves and bulk booked deliveries, either there is still limited food on the shelves, and areas that do have some food have no slots.

There is no definition of what is essential, we don't live in a police state.I mean is there even an actual law that closed down Peacocks, or was it just following advice? Unless it's changed and I missed it, technically, none essentials stores could stay open.

They can decide to open the doors on Bank Holiday Monday, they have agreed to do it because there is financial help available not usually there.

There are no actual rules on the amount of times you can shop but he should be cutting it down. Popping in for bits is non essential. Knowing that you have asked him not to go - he is being annoying!

Thankfully, the government do seem to have some common sense and realise the impossibility on putting a limit of the number of times a person can shop in a week. For starters, because of selfish cunts who emptied the shelves and bulk booked deliveries, either there is still limited food on the shelves, and areas that do have some food have no slots.

It still says as "infrequently as possible". It's fair that with current restrictions a larger family may need to top up more, but infrequently as possible doesn't mean nip out for chocolate/snacks/the bread you prefer/magazines/whatever other item that isn't essential and takes the piss to add an unnecessary trip for on the grounds (to quote another thread) 'but my beer/magazine is essential for me'.

A silly selfish man.

But not one you will change.

Still, you married the idiot.

That's the thing though. If someone has an alcohol problem, it will be essential to them. For many, they won't take this as a chance to stay sober.

The magazine is none essential to you, or that particular bread etc. However, if someone, for example, has Autism/Aspergers it could be essential.

Going out to buy a bar of chocolate may be none essential to you, but that's not the case for everyone.

It could be by maintaining some kind of routine it's helping the person deal with the situation mentally.

Everyone has their own coping methods. Doing the daily routine could really be him dealing with it.

Of course, he knows the risk. He has to do this every time he has to go to work. He doesn't need the constant reminders. As a Key Worker, it is all around him. If pushed too soon, its very easy to see how a person would crumble if they admitted to themselves the risk they are constantly making. Chances are he is highly stressed at the moment and even more so depending on the job he does. He may have already been stressed before this.

Remember it's widely recognised that the MH fallout from this afterwards will be huge. It's a fine balance between being stable/unstable mentally already for many. Many already take time off or even quit because of work reduced stress, and that stress doesn't really impact your kidney as much as your mh (I don't think anyway, but you get the idea)

Many people have already had to give up much of their usual pleasures that help to ease stress etc. That thing they are doing more than once a week could be what is left. And even when finding new coping methods, you have to have some in place to help get through. Because when you are looking for new methods normally, things really aren't that good, and normally you would be seeking out the Crisis team if not already there. And that team couldn't cope before this, that's assuming the person has plucked up the courage to contact their GP for help. That's a hard step to take, even harder because of the virus as they will feel incredibly guilty etc.

Popping in for stuff is against the rules. I could understand it for example if you'd run out of something essential or hadn't got the main ingredient for a meal, but it sounds like hes going because he prefers a particular brand or just because he can. It's not essential so it's stupid and pointless

That's the thing though. If someone has an alcohol problem, it will be essential to them

OP does your DH have an alcohol problem? If so I missed that 🤷🏻‍♀️

@WotchaTalkinBoutWillis Where has OP said her DH is shopping for a large family?

I was just saying, it's not always as straightforward as just shop once a week or less as is being made out.
Sometimes circumstances make it so you can't, whether it being not being able to drive therefore carry much or having a large family and having to shop more often if this applies to you.

But not relevant to OP’s thread? Wotcha

The op doesn't say. They have no obligation to share this information, although it would vastly change the comments including telling the selfish fucker to stop which if it was that easy, it wouldn't be an issue. The point still stands though, alcoholics will still be going out daily.

Again the op is under no obligation to share, she could be living in one of those households currently locked in with an abuser. Maybe the op is an abuser and it's a way of avoiding being around her too much.

That's the thing, we don't know why people are still going out. We all have our own reasons to continue, and calling them selfish etc isn't going to help the situation. It could have the opposite effect.

The info about the negative impact on mh including seeing an increase of suicide, even from those who have never knowingly had hm issues before, hasn't come from nowhere.

Yes, ideally we should all be staying inside 24 hours a day. Putting aside the implications of reducing our exposure, even more, we aren't robots. We need 'fresh' air. We need time to ourselves and at the moment this is not possible in a lot of homes, so they find themselves forced to stay indoors or take a relaxing walk. What if that person needs to take a walk to calm their temper down? The alternative is they stay and things get abusive. Or moaned at because they didn't go to bed at the same time as each other because they wanted a bit of space to themselves.

Even if it was a forced lockdown, we would still be given permission to go outside. Even prisoners have that right when not in solitary confinement. And having access to fresh air or even the sun has never been a crime punishable by solitary confinement in prison. And hopefully, it will never become the case no matter how many of you would actively welcome it.

How could it be a fitting punishment when a simple solution to prevent a serious crime such as murder could be prevented by going out for a walk? New prisons and holding cells would have to be quickly created, and honestly, there are much more urgent things that need sorting first.

But not relevant to OP’s thread? Wotcha

Oh, OK, are we not allowed to respond to comments on the thread that wasn't specifically OP now?
News to me if so.

@PlanDeRaccordement
The once a week is not in the lockdown rules. You can go out every day if you need to so long as it is essential things you need.

The rules/guidance state that you should try to go shopping for essentials as infrequently as possible. Every day is frequent.
I am not the Shopping Police. We're a family of five and we've been managing on 2 shopping trips a week.
Why do some people think that they can wrangle themselves out of the simple common sense guidance that applies to everyone else!!!!???
Write a ruddy shopping list before you leave home. It may help 🙄

We buy fruit two or three less waste and good for us, it’s about 100 yards even less from our home.

But not relevant to OP’s thread? Wotcha

Erm. how is discussing reasons why people need to go out not relevant in a thread about people going out?

Or is it simply because Wotcha, like myself and others included can see why it is essential for people to go out, and not call those who do selfish uncaring etc?

As much as many are rubbing their hands in glee at the idea of a police state, it's really not in anyone's interest to go down this path.

Think about it. You are told you are allowed out once a week, it can be only one person in that household, you are only allowed to visit the supermarket to shop from a very limited amount of what is agreed on as acceptable essentials. And think about that for a moment, some things like soap aren't essential in some households. Imagine not being able to clean your body, or have that needed cup of coffee, or something that helps you get through your day.

Is that something you really want to happen because I really, really don't want that, and I doubt many will. And those that do chances are they aren't well.

Obviously people who do not have cars, cannot carry too many/heavy shopping bags, etc will need to shop more often than others. But, everyday?
If you need an excuse to be outside of the home to avoid an abuser, etc that's another story, but popping to the shop to buy 1 item a few times a day is not logical or helpful in terms of social distancing.

@BubblyBluePebbles
You must live in an area that has well-stocked supermarkets.
Many people are still having to visit several stores to do their shopping and no amount of lists will change this. Online slots still not available to many.

It is great that you can get everything you need in two easy trips twice a week. One of my usual buys includes flour, guess what isn't easily available? Flour. That's just one essential item not available which means more time spent outside trying not only find the elusive item but also looking for suitable essential alternatives.

Remember people do have serious issues when it comes to allergies and food, many of which the alternative essentials aren't easily available at the best of times in some areas.

If I go to the first store and find no fruit or veg, am I supposed to return home or move on to the next place until I find these?

Because he's in denial and he can't change his habits. Even though the habit is unnecessary. Perhaps he feels like he hasn't got a role. Get him digging the garden! Mine is too busy to nip anywhere at the moment!

You must live in an area that has well-stocked supermarkets.
Many people are still having to visit several stores to do their shopping and no amount of lists will change this.

Exactly, I don't drive and am reliant on what I can carry back with me.
Lately it's been the shelves are shocking and practically bare and had to go to other nearby shop after coming away empty handed.

Or I go to the store that has a 2 per person limit and all that is left is a few bits of veg to just about get through one day and so the next day, guess what? Someone has to go back and repeat the process all over again.

People still have to try and maintain some type of healthy diet, and at the moment the only way to do that is to go out daily.

To be able to carry a weeks shopping-home even twice a week would require two members of the household to leave the house. I'm the only adult in the house, which child do I take with me? I have four children, two require constant supervision. I also have a weeks worth of cat food and litter for two cats, which to some would be viewed as none essential and its heavy to carry. That is of course if I have the energy due to my own health issues to leave the house in the first place, never mind the ability to carry it all on that day.

So can someone help me solve this problem when I do not drive and normally I get it all delivered and have done so for years because of the above issues and more? Now I cannot get a slot anywhere.

Circumstances out of our control have seriously disrupted peoples lives and they are forced to go out to get the essentials a lot more than they usually do. Just because something works for you doesn't mean it will work for someone else, because everyone's circumstances differ widely even more so now than ever before.

I stated that I understand that it's harder for some, in my previous post, e.g. Not having access to a car, etc. I do sympathise.

Shelves are better stocked first thing in the morning, so I've had to drag myself out of bed to get there between 7-8am, as I need to be back home to start work at 9.30am. Luckily, I can leave kids at home with DP or our eldest adult DD. I know this is not possible for everyone. I also shop in at least 2/3 different supermarkets (Tesco, Aldi & Asda) across the week to increase my chances of finding what we need.
I live in London and my local supermarkets are quite large, so I guess stock levels are higher (but only if you arrive in the morning). I know it's not easy. Stock levels have only improved around here, as it looks like people are finally beginning to stop stockpiling. Was surprised to see lots of toilet roll on the shelves a few days ago, although some items are still hard to find. We couldn't find flour in the supermarkets 2 wks ago. The baking shelves were completely. We found flour and other baking essentials in 3 different convenience shops down the road from our house. Hope stock levels improve for everyone in their supermarkets during the next week.