Aibu - embarrassed by my 4 year old

[Ell452]

I’m kind of embarrassed by my 4 year old I feel she misbehaves. E.g. just now in garden she fell off her chair and was screaming loudly blaming me crying (AWWWW YOU MADE ME FALL! I’M BLEEDING! YOU MADE ME BLEED! YOU MADE ME BLEED!). I was pushing baby in swing so was no where near her. She does this often I try to reason with her by asking “how did mummy do that?”. It makes me feel bad as neighbours must be thinking badly of me like I’m abusing her or something or just badly of my parenting.

I really try to get her to behave like giving gold stars then rewards if she gets 10.

I’m really lost as I really want a good relationship with her but it’s so hard. It’s not just home in school trips with reception and nursery I’ve nearly been in tears with her outbursts. E.g. in nursery trip teacher gave carton of milk and without thinking I opened the straw plastic wrap and she screamed and had a tantrum saying “GET ME ANOTHER!). Teacher didn’t have spares and all the other parents were staring at me and I know they were thinking badly. Couple of mother’s were giving me and daughter dirty looks (didn’t imagine it they did).

What makes it worse is mother-in-law laughs at her behaviour and when I try to discipline her they shout me down saying “she’s only 4”. Like when I used to pick her up my daughter used to say “go away mummy I don’t want you here in grandma house, go back to your house”, mother in law clapped at that and laughed. When I try to say anything MIL response is “you’re too sensitive”.

Totally feel you on this, my 3 1/2 year old tends to loudly scream "ow you're hurting me" if I go near him when I've told him off, says ive hurt him if he runs into me etc and also told random strangers that I broke his arm when I took his swimsuit off.

Have no real advice except to nod and smile through gritted teeth.

Probably just baby jealousy. Dont worry too much about it and try to maintain consistency

My 4 year old used to do the blaming me thing! It drove me insane. For example she’d trip while holding my hand and yell ‘you weren’t holding my hand tight enough’, or she’d fall over a rock in the garden and shout ‘you should have moved that rock!’. I don’t usually let things bother me but this really really bothered me for some reason.
Anyway, she doesn’t do it anymore. I think it stopped when she started school (she’s a summer born so started just after she turned 4). I just tried my best to ignore it and just say calmly ‘it was an accident, it wasn’t mummy’s fault. Accidents happen’.

Sounds like it might be a nice break from the undermining from MIL.
What happens if you ignore the behaviour? Is she doing it for a reaction? I'd try that and if that doesn't work let her know it makes you sad.
There's a really nice book called 'Have you filled your bucket' or something similar to that that might help....all about being kind to others.
Other than that praise everytime she's nice to anyone.

YANBU. It's just attention-seeking. Remember to discipline her whenever she does this, it's bad behaviour and should be treated the same as if she was hitting the baby or helping herself to stuff from the fridge without permission. Be firm, put her in her place.

My 4 year old use to do exactly the same, she has grown out of it. The latest thing is whenever she can't get her way or is told off screams at the top of her lungs I want my grandma. I left her for 10 mins screaming it in the garden yesterday. My neighbours know she can be a handful so I just shake it off.

You are being sensitive though - you're taking it personally! When she's being a typical 4yo. With the milk incident, you shouldn't have pandered to her by offering to find another, you should have explained that you were sorry but this was the only one left. Then stand your ground - this milk carton or no milk. You escalating the situation and asking around for another carton probably got you the eyerolls from other onlookers

This too shall pass. It’s a phase. Kids are just egos on legs. Keep it lighthearted as much as possible. Are you getting any breaks?

My youngest does a bit of this, whereas her sister didn't ever complain. All kids different I guess, but it must be an element of competition. When there was one child there was less concern about colour of plate, who put straw in drink, who reads story etc. Now she is almost I try and avoid the triggers, like asking her about stuff first (shall I hope
your drink for you) ..however major tantrums are ignored. She doesn't accuse me of hurting her though, that must be very annoying.

My 3 year old announced to my parents that my husband had wee’d on her. He hadn’t (obviously) no idea where on earth that little gem had come from. Luckily gran and grandpa know what she’s like and saw the funny side. I dread to think what strangers would make of her tales though?

My DS does this. He hasn’t for a while so I’m hoping he has finally grown out of it. He dramatically fell over in restaurant once and loudly blamed me. Everyone was watching and I looked doubly bad because not only had I apparently made him fall but now I was also being less than sympathetic in the face of his accusations.
He used to lie about adult family members pinching or hitting him too.

I think you need to ignore her outbursts. Say, "I will love to talk to you when you've calmed down", and then not another word or even a glance in her general direction. She is feeding off of your reactions.

Oh god, my ds was like this. I remember him being really cheeky and rude to me. I calmly said without raising my voice "if you're rude to me again, then football at the weekend will be cancelled". He started screaming "please mummy nooooooo, don't do it mummy, nooo". My neighbours must have thought I was torturing him.

Have you tried laughing at her when she does it? My niece went through a bit of a phase of this. 'You're hurting me' when you wouldn't let go of her hand so she could run in the road. She did it to me so I laughed at her and did the same back to her, with fake pulling etc, soon shut her up 😂

I also started an on the floor kicking tantrum when she started, that stopped it in its tracks too.

If you go louder and more dramatic and embarrass them more they soon stop.

During a BBQ, My eldest fell off the downstairs toilet when he was 4 (He's 15 now) and screamed very loudly "Oh Mummy you puuuuuuuusssshed me and I was having a pooooooooooooooo!" I was stood outside the door holding the baby so I had witnesses.
I wonder if it's because it's a sudden shock and small children aren't quite sure how to rationalise what has happened?

Ignore the tantrums and as others have said dont pander to her because you are embarassed about her screaming.
Remove from situation and firmly tell her .
Its this milk or no milk

Stop screaming and shouting or we leave

No Mummy didnt make your leg bleed -shall I get you a wet tissue/plaster?

Can I ask a question?
Does anyone in your family play the blame game ?
It sounds like she has picked this up .
Calm, firm, dont be embarrassed by screaming, go quiet and calm .

It helps to remember that they really do love you. They often don’t act like they do however.
Also I would toughen up a little - you are her Mum and you love her. She is 4 she loves you but she also wants her own way and it’s up to you to impose the boundaries on her behavior.
Think about how you want to deal with it. The swing incident: you could ignore. You could calmly explain you didn’t and then carry on as normal. You could calmly explain that we don’t say people have done things that they haven’t done. You could sympathize with her pain but calmly point out you were not the cause.
Any rudeness is unacceptable. She should apologize. You as a parent do not comply with a command from your child, particularly a rude command.
Also lying at 4-6 years is very common raisingchildren.net.au/preschoolers/behaviour/common-concerns/lies
Yes your children will embarrass you. Wait a bit until they are teens - then you have the opportunity to embarrass them!
Most reasonable people are not looking at the details of what’s going on rather - oh look a child crying/screaming and a parent dealing with it.
She isn’t a too old to apologize to you. A small apology from her, a hug from you. Slate clean and offense forgotton. Family life continues a normal.
Your role as the mum is to be loving, kind, fun and firm. It isn’t easy but remember no matter what they say your children always love you. When mine were little and in a tantrum said oh Mum I hate you, I would just reply well I love you very much and ignore the tantrum behavior and continue on - not all the time I wasn’t perfect and We all make mistakes. But don’t be afraid to exercise kind calm authority

Parenting at the moment in the garden is, pathetically, a very pressurised situation. Feels a lot like your parenting is being judged/watched from all sides. I mean, I’m sure no one is actually interested but equally there’s fuck all else to do/look at all day. Never have I been more aware of looking like a lazy beached whale parent than I do now. Lots of “no, no DS do not do that...” followed by “..ah... well ok then I suppose you did it” on our side of the fence!

YANBU.

Sounds to me like you need to put some consequences in place if you want to stop this behaviour.
I must admit, the carton of milk thing, I might have been thinking why aren’t you disciplining her for behaving that way.
Only because I’ve had to be strict with my DD to get her to not do these things/stop doing these things. Especially when her sibling arrived.
Also, the way you let your MiL belittle and undermine you j front of your child. No way I’d stand for that. Call her out on it every time and reinforce the behaviour to your child.
At least you don’t have to deal with the MiL during lockdown. Every cloud and all that.

I wouldn't laugh or have a tantrum of my own.
Many kids are aware that parents get embarrassed or don't want a scene when out. You need to try not to care.
My first used to try this nonsense, I've picked him up and carried him screeching back from the park to the car then home.
When we went back another time I reminded him of the clear expectations behaviour wise that I needed to see, not the dangerous running off and ignoring me that had happened the previous time.
He knew if he behaved poorly again that I follow through and we would leave.
Ignore the filthy looks, you shouldn't have opened her milk as kids need to learn independence but I'd have explained there were no more and that was the end. She can have a tantrum. Who cares.

Grandma sounds very unhelpful. You need to speak to her privately and explain that her behaviour is not helped by people clapping in delight at precocious antics. Boundaries need drawing there. My mil would go behind my back a few times but I soon stopped it.

Don't show fear. 😂

I wouldnt get too worried about it. My DS has taken to calling childline after they had a talk at school- he was told the number to call if anyone upset you- he called because his brother was upsetting him- My DS is 5....he has also said look what you have made me do when he has hurt himself! On a side note your MIL is an arsehole and I would hope during lockdown you have not seen her for a while

"What makes it worse is mother-in-law laughs at her behaviour and when I try to discipline her they shout me down saying “she’s only 4”. Like when I used to pick her up my daughter used to say “go away mummy I don’t want you here in grandma house, go back to your house”, mother in law clapped at that and laughed. When I try to say anything MIL response is “you’re too sensitive”."

So basically, your MIL rewards your daughter behaving like that (approval is a reward). Which teaches your daughter that that is how MIL wants her to behave, So, seeking approval, she behaves that way.

1. Don't take it personally - your daughter is being taught to behave this way.
2. Remove her from the environment teaching her to behave this way.

How much time does she spend with your MIL? And you said "they shout me down" - who is 'they'? Just MIL and your daughter, or other adults too?

I agree with pp rudeness should not be tolerated. But definitely calmy dealt with. If my Dd said anything like this, she'd have got told off for speaking to me so rudely but also seen if she needed any help if she's hurt.

My 10 year old shouted I’d pushed her into a door frame yesterday 🙄 of course I’d done no such thine. She has a tendency to be very ‘dramatic’ about these things.
Aged 4 I’d just tell tour DD not to say it as it isn’t true.

Telling lies is naughty mommy wont want to play with you if you do that

The straw thing?my sons nursery would have put him on the naughty chair for that one one child copped a mouth on at her parent on pick up the teacher was quick to say I'm surprised at you I'm disappointed you think that's ok if I was your parent I would be putting the sweeties in my hand back in my pocket unless I got an apology