Aibu - embarrassed by my 4 year old

[Ell452]

I’m kind of embarrassed by my 4 year old I feel she misbehaves. E.g. just now in garden she fell off her chair and was screaming loudly blaming me crying (AWWWW YOU MADE ME FALL! I’M BLEEDING! YOU MADE ME BLEED! YOU MADE ME BLEED!). I was pushing baby in swing so was no where near her. She does this often I try to reason with her by asking “how did mummy do that?”. It makes me feel bad as neighbours must be thinking badly of me like I’m abusing her or something or just badly of my parenting.

I really try to get her to behave like giving gold stars then rewards if she gets 10.

I’m really lost as I really want a good relationship with her but it’s so hard. It’s not just home in school trips with reception and nursery I’ve nearly been in tears with her outbursts. E.g. in nursery trip teacher gave carton of milk and without thinking I opened the straw plastic wrap and she screamed and had a tantrum saying “GET ME ANOTHER!). Teacher didn’t have spares and all the other parents were staring at me and I know they were thinking badly. Couple of mother’s were giving me and daughter dirty looks (didn’t imagine it they did).

What makes it worse is mother-in-law laughs at her behaviour and when I try to discipline her they shout me down saying “she’s only 4”. Like when I used to pick her up my daughter used to say “go away mummy I don’t want you here in grandma house, go back to your house”, mother in law clapped at that and laughed. When I try to say anything MIL response is “you’re too sensitive”.

My eldest ds was exactly like this, I was always so embarrassed by his behaviour and I felt like the worst mum ever. Pleased to say he has now grown into a very polite, well mannered, outgoing 21 year old. It will pass.

I think you do need to stop worrying about what other people are thinking and focus on dealing with your daughter.

Sounds like the 'terrible twos' only at four. It's hard on you, op, but she will outgrow this phase. I knew a little boy up the road from me who was an absolute terror, especially after his mum had a new baby; he would smash things up in the house then run up the back garden at the end of which was an access road and his mother would have to chase him carry the baby. He grew into a charming child. So will your daughter.

Make sure you have plenty of one on one time - as far as possible - and try to do interesting things with your little girl. If dad is around, maybe he can do the same and at times take over the baby to free you up.

Parenthood was never meant to be easy.

Thanks for the replies everyone. Answers to the questions (sorry if I’ve missed anyone):

1. no I don’t really get a break maybe that’s why it gets me more, could be true.

2. “shout me down” - it is father in law and mother in law shouting me down every time I discipline her

3. no were not seeing in-laws thank god! One silver lining of the lockdown. Yes it might help.

4. one question about is anyone in family is a victim always blaming others - that’s really interesting actually as my mother in law is know to blame everyone about everything, maybe she’s seen her but I’m not sure as it seems like a behaviour lots of 4 year olds do. It is something for me to consider tho.

Well done for those who have kids that have grown out of this, i hope that will be me soon x

I’ve never had this with mine, you need to parent her. Consequences for actions. She wants to throw a tantrum because you helped open her milk? Okay, no milk then.

I feel your pain. My eldest Ds was like this. It was excruciating at times. He grew out of it But took firm handling. ‘. No, mummy didn’t hurt you. Would you like a plaster?’ Removal from the situation helps.
I love the fact that his DD is very similar now😁

I’ve never had this with mine, you need to parent her. Consequences for actions.

There's always one.

I remember going through a stage where I felt our relationship was abit clashy. My daughter is five now and she improved when she went to school. It was probably the last six months before she went to school. She just seemed to always be trying to wind me up. She made a mess. She kept stealing food out the cupboards. Looking back now she was just ready for more and she was frustrated. Also she had a younger sibling who was one when this was happening. I think it was an attention thing on top of a bored thing. She did some nursery but not much else apart from swimming from her 4th birthday. We did parks etc too. I also remember she couldn't even get along with her friend for about six months. They are besties now again. But she used to constantly wind him up and get frustrated. I think from January this year she has matured massively. She was five in February. She's much more happier and we have such lovely chats.

I think kids are going to be feeling fed up and acting up. They are completely out of routine and isolated from all the nice things they usually do.

Give it time. Be firm. Brush it off and don't worry about neighbours. We have all been there.

Apparently the "fucking awful fours" are a thing . Good luck OP

When my 3 year old does this I plonk him straight on the naughty step and explain to him how bad telling lies is it's stopped for the most part now

Keep your daughter as far away as possible from your MIL and FIL indefinitely. They sound toxic.

You need to first of all stop your daughter from screaming at you.

Do you model speaking in a civilised voice and make her copy you (no matter what she is saying)?

You need to tell her sternly if she blows her top, "We don't scream at other people. You do not have the right to scream at me."

After an accident/fall/bump, to stop the blaming:
Say in a friendly, calm voice - "Accidents are not a big deal. They happen all the time and they are not anybody's fault".
Smile, ask where it hurts, and offer a hug/cuddle/kiss or a plaster.
Don't get into a discussion with her or try to reason. She is 4. You will lose. State the reality of accidents and then change the focus to her feelings.

Anxiety can contribute to the blaming thing.
When she falls, bumps, etc, be quick to ask her (in a calm and friendly voice) if she's ok and praise her for being brave if she doesn't scream about it.
If she cries, give a hug, kiss the boo boo. Or get a plaster if she seems distraught.
A caring emotional response from you is what she wants and you can gauge what sort it is from whether she's crying and how hard.

If she spills something or breaks something accidentally, keep her calm by assuring her you can clean it up together, or fix it if that's possible. Again, address the blaming - "No, accidents happen." And then do not get drawn into reasoning.

For episodes like the straw, address the screaming immediately.
"We do not scream at people. You don't have the right to scream at me."
Don't talk about the straw (or whatever else she is screaming about).
Don't offer a replacement.
The actual thing itself doesn't matter for the moment.
If she wants something else then she needs to ask politely for it (say 'please' and 'thank you') and in a civil way, not sarcastic, not angry.
If you sense she is still steaming, tell her she can come back later for a drink (or whatever) when she is able to be polite and nice.

www.ahaparenting.com/parenting-tools/connection/play-child-emotional-intelligence

If she's hugely emotionally reactive, I recommend the above website, and the author's book - Calm parents, happy kids. Set boundaries and maintain them - also provide lots of safe supportive time and space for your daughter to let go of emotions that she may have been bottling up. Special time is a lifesaver.

I do agree with "No milk then" if a tantrum occurs over it, to a certain extent. Certainly no milk right then and there. She needs to be civil before she can have it.

& the "fucking awful fours" are a thing

• they sure are!

Agree 100% with that.

They can talk and they are usually not taking a nap. Perfect storm.

My two year old and 3 year old are so loud in the garden. I end up hissing them to be quiet (surrounded by retired people). Very embarrassing

kiss the boo boo

Erm….

I have been known to say 'stop being a bloody drama lama' in that situation

You need to get the look, ie the paddington bear stare. I raise my eyebrows, snap my chin back open my eyes and stare in disbelief at dds behaviour. It works well with adults, who are behaving like children. That would be the grandparents, wouldn’t it?

If your in laws shout you down, the only thing you can do is make clear very calmly that your dd is your child, not there’s and if they wish to continue to see her as often, they will abide by your rules. They have had their turn at parenting and they aren’t going to sabotage yours.

This lockdown could be the breathing space away from them to start rehearsing how you are going to approach this with them. “Silly grandma, she knows x, y and z” works well.

I wouldn’t punish your dd for telling you that you hurt her. It’s developmental and she will learn that you are not the all omnipresent being. My dd did this and I think the reason she blames you might be that you didn’t stop it from happening with your (what she believes to be) superpowers. Ergo your fault. In this context, punishment will serve no purpose. As will expecting an apology. Better to comfort and ignore. It will pass. Life is about picking battles.

As for the shouting at you etc, try the look / stare and say things like “oh dear, you sound cross / sad / tired etc” or ask her if she would like a hug if it’s getting out of hand. My dd gets cross when she’s tired and isn’t coping. I know I do too. Often she needs a way out of the strop and a hug and love can actually de-escalate. One thing I’ve always taught dd is however cross I am with her behaviour I love her and she can get a hug.

This is a very difficult period in everyone’s lives and your dd has quite a lot to cope with as you also have a baby taking attention away from her. Whatever you do, pick your battles. And I think yabu and a bit silly to be embarrassed of your dd. Your mil (and fil?) otoh should be hanging her head in shame!

Mine are all much older now but I found four the hardest age with all of them.

My 4 year old does this all the time. This morning he tripped over and dropped the toys he was carrying all over the floor - this was all my fault, despite the fact I wasnt even in the room at the time. Then in the afternoon he had a strop because I carried his scooter for him to help him. He then got even more ragey because I wouldn't let him throw the scooter into a stream . Luckily he's my youngest and has been a drama queen since he was a baby so I just roll my eyes and ignore the silliness! It's not your parenting it's just a 4 year old thing and they grow out of it.

She is old enough now for you to say 'mummy did not hit you or make you bleed. You fell over. You have two choices, you can ask mummy nicely for some help and come here for a cuddle, or you can shout at mummy, but mummy isnt going to listen to shouting. Which would you sooner do?'. When she eventually chooses to cuddle, tell her 'you make mummy very sad when you shout at me and say that I hurt you when I didn't. That isn't very kind is it? What do you say to mummy?'.
You really need to stand your ground. You can do it gently, without shouting. But be firm. Everytime she behaves like this she gets all the attention - from you and everyone else. If you withdraw the attention when she is tantruming and lavish her in it when she is behaving well, she will soon learn. You might find that she starts to blame objects instead. 'The swing made me fall off'. Ignore it and rephrase 'oh dear, you fell off the swing, let me help you'.

Its just a phase. However you could consider laying off the gold stars. A lot of parenting books advise "reward bribes" for young kids (plenty of time for those later!). Many children that age are old enough to understand whats going on - try - when she's calm - just levelling with her. "Shouting and screaming makes people sad" etc "do you want mummy to feel sad?" Etc. Get her on your side. Results wont be immediate but the improvements will be more concrete.

Sorry should say "advise AGAINST"

Jeez she sounds like an attention seeker - but then the apple never falls far from the tree op