Aibu - embarrassed by my 4 year old

[Ell452]

I’m kind of embarrassed by my 4 year old I feel she misbehaves. E.g. just now in garden she fell off her chair and was screaming loudly blaming me crying (AWWWW YOU MADE ME FALL! I’M BLEEDING! YOU MADE ME BLEED! YOU MADE ME BLEED!). I was pushing baby in swing so was no where near her. She does this often I try to reason with her by asking “how did mummy do that?”. It makes me feel bad as neighbours must be thinking badly of me like I’m abusing her or something or just badly of my parenting.

I really try to get her to behave like giving gold stars then rewards if she gets 10.

I’m really lost as I really want a good relationship with her but it’s so hard. It’s not just home in school trips with reception and nursery I’ve nearly been in tears with her outbursts. E.g. in nursery trip teacher gave carton of milk and without thinking I opened the straw plastic wrap and she screamed and had a tantrum saying “GET ME ANOTHER!). Teacher didn’t have spares and all the other parents were staring at me and I know they were thinking badly. Couple of mother’s were giving me and daughter dirty looks (didn’t imagine it they did).

What makes it worse is mother-in-law laughs at her behaviour and when I try to discipline her they shout me down saying “she’s only 4”. Like when I used to pick her up my daughter used to say “go away mummy I don’t want you here in grandma house, go back to your house”, mother in law clapped at that and laughed. When I try to say anything MIL response is “you’re too sensitive”.

Not my MIL but my neighbour once said 'isn't mummy mean?', when I said she couldn't give them a biscuit - just before their lunch. I replied 'No Mummy loves you and N spoils you - that's different altogether'. The biscuits were quickly put away.

Milk thing - "ok, I understand you wanted to do it. I was trying to help. If you speak nicely next time I'm sure it'll be fine. Now so you want this?"

Chair "I understand you're angry because you've fallen off the chair. If you speak to me nicely about how you feel I can help" then disengage.

Some children are just quick to fire than others. She just needs guidance about thinking before she speaks and seeing that she gets what she wants by communicating calmly and effectively.

My eldest fell off the downstairs toilet when he was 4 (He's 15 now) and screamed very loudly "Oh Mummy you puuuuuuuusssshed me and I was having a pooooooooooooooo

Oooh, you'll be able to have so much fun when you tell each new girlfriend that story!

I’m pretty sure my neighbours all thought I was abusing DS2 when he was 4/5. Trying to wash his hair (among hundreds of other things) would result in him screeching “STOP HURTING MEEEEEEEE WHY ARE YOU HURTING MEEEEEEEE” at the top of his lungs.

I wasn’t hurting him.

To be fair he’s nearly 17 and although he’s lovely in many ways he still tends to blame others when things go wrong. It’s NEVER his fault. I’m hoping he’ll grow out of it one day.

Ha. My child used to collapse as we were walking across roads. So it meant I'd be holding her hands. She'd collapse. So I'd have to kind of drag her. Pick her up (she's go completely soft. So like a rag doll!)

What you've got to remember is not to pander to it. Ignore it.

My eldest once had a complete meltdown in the chemist. The chemist owner took me aside and said. Just ignore. Ignore her screaming. She even got to the floor. Fill on screaming. I ignored. The chemist just carried on around her.

She never did it again.

Thank you everyone, some lovely stories here and definitely made me laugh in seeing similarities. Nice to hear they do definitely grow out of it!

@Srslydontgiveacrap Jeez she sounds like an attention seeker - but then the apple never falls far from the tree op -seriously what the f??k are u on? You sound totally crazy! Lol

DS1 full on tantrummed on the floor in Tesco once. Drumming his heels and everything. I stood silent pretending to browse the books; face burning, heart pounding but I was NOT going to give in. It seemed to go on forever and I got tutted at by 3 old ladies (yes they were all old ladies) but I stood firm, he got over it and he never did it again.

.... ooh and DS2 was a shit at soft play once but unfortunately for him I was with a friend who was happy to stay with DS1 and her kids while I took DS2 home which I’d threatened before but never actually done.

I had to bodily carry him out under my arm while he wailed like a set of bagpipes and getting him in the car seat was like getting a snake into a bag. By the time I’d got him buckled in we were both sweating and panting but my god it was worth it.

Have you ever considered warming her backside when she acts out? She wont forget in a hurry. Kids today have no fear because the worst consequences seem to be 5 minutes without their favourite toy or you get accused of emotional abuse for trying the naughty step. Seriously kids many years ago used to learn quickly unlike today's horrible generation of fearless kids.

Four year olds are so dramatic - I have little ones next door and trust me I’m not judging - try not to worry about what others think and be kind to yourself xxxxxx

MehitabelWhurl - lol yeah softplay! I remember when I was pregnant she wouldn’t leave softplay so husband picked her up and she was screaming “HELP! HELP ME”,

I suppose I am taking too seriously as one poster said not to take too personally it true but so hard to do in the moment. I’m looking forward to when I look back and tell her these stories.

Was just chatting to an old friend who has background in primary education and she said something very similar to another poster that kids react as they can’t process what they’re trying to say so blame the boosts person they feel safe with (usually mother). Hope everyone else is staying sane with their little ones,

“Fucking awful fours” - so true! She never had terrible twos she was an angel so think making up now!

Does it usually happen when you're playing with the baby? It sounds like she's worried that you don't loved he as much as before and she's acting out to get the extra attention.

"Right, that's it. Until you can behave we won't be playing here again. Come on DD, let's go grab you a animal print plaster... Grandma is on the naughty step for the next 86 minutes."

Absolute sympathies op!

Ignore the asshats replies on here!

This is where you have to keep reminding yourself that she's doing this to you because you're so important to her! She's testing boundaries and exploring the world and needing to see that you are still there for her no matter what iyswim. Might also be related to having a baby sibling?

I think you're doing mostly the right thing ignoring bad behaviour and praising good. Or, if it really gets to you, gently laughing at the behaviour or doing impressions of the ott drama llama stuff!

Remembering that you are her most important person when she tries you like this is sooo hard but it's true!

Personally, I won't reason with a child that age. They get a 'don't be so silly' and that's about it. Mine did tantrum on the odd occasion but they didn't do the drama llama 'MUMMY YOU MADE ME DO THIS!!!!'

The clapping and laughing is OTT from your MIL and that would grate one me, but in general, I really do think you need to ignore the behaviour and be very firm. Don't be so silly, it's this milk or nothing, ok see you later, I'll go and sit in the lounge while you behave like this.

TheMustressMhor Thu 09-Apr-20 19:16:33
'kiss the boo boo'
Erm….

Yes?

I think this behaviour is Normal with some children at that age. I’ve had similar with my 4 year old son. He’s getting out of it now but I understand how it makes you feel

Have you ever considered warming her backside wtf ! From someone, who knows how quickly that sort of “discipline “ can lead to abuse:

4 yo has done this a few times - mama, you chunks my head (I had a baby in my arms across the room) or will misstell what the other parent said (daddy said I can't watch X ever again / daddy actually said so you want to watch something else)

I ask him "really, or are you telling a fib?" which gives him an easy out. I don't go into deep and meaningfuls about why cos the answer is that they want attention and the lie is now getting it then, or their exercising their new found ability to tell untruths which is a normal part of development.

Use this time away from MIL to reinforce boundaries and manners. If its the "u don't like you" stuff u say OK, u still love you and you still aren't allowed to be rude. No drama, which means no dueling it for attention.

How old is the younger sibling?

Quietly tell her not to tell fibs and then ignore her dramatics.
Spend less time at your MIL’s. And ask your MIL not to encourage her.
And stop worrying about what other people think. They’re irrelevant.

Have you ever considered warming her backside when she acts out? She wont forget in a hurry.
No, because boring your children is never the answer. If you step out of line does your partner hit you? Would that be ok or is it only OK when you're bigger than then and they can't fight back?

Reward systems are great. However you might need to change yours slightly. Earning 10 before a reward probably seems like a mountain to climb. Start off with earning one star and an instant reward. Once she has the hang of that make it 2 then 3 and do forth and see how far you can push her. She might not get to 10 ever.
Also, reward systems in the beginning need to be pretty instantaneous and reward is given v quickly upon the required behaviour being there. Some behaviourist apply a half second rule of behaviour/reward at the beginning.

Good luck.

When she has an outburst she gets your attention. So it works.

You need to not worry about what you think others are thinking.

You need to not give her lots of attention.

When she fell off her chair and she wasn't hurt. You just say , come here if you want a cuddle, you are ok. Then say nothing else. Let her tantrum and do nothing. She will then learn that having a tantrum and saying lies gets her no where.

You need to be strong. Why were you looking for a new straw ? You're letting her rule the roost.

4 year olds push boundaries and our parenting role is to teach them what's reasonable and what's not.

It's really hard. It's also hard to put your personal thing to one side.

I found with my three, all grown now, that I did see the odd undesirable family trait here and there. Where I did, I focussed on helping them by working really hard on it, always without being explicit about what I thought was going on - I might have been way off track, after all!

It has worked long-term and I have raised three adults who, largely, know how to be in the right and in the wrong gracefully; how to offer and accept an apology; how to make and keep good friends and weed out toxic ones, how to challenge without being confrontational and how to take and decline responsibility appropriately.

It's not easy but it starts with staying calm, some ignoring of nonsense, never uttering threats you won't carry through and talking things through later without an audience. I used to find playing at scenarios with them helped so we could explore what they could have done differently to achieve a better outcome. This got challenging in their teens and occasionally even now if there's a tricky email to write or phone call to be made I get roped in for advice and rehearsals!

Your PiL are undermining your discipline which is a cardinal offence. This lockdown may actually turn out to be a good thing in establishing your methods and planning for how you can protect your DD from their spoiling when you are in contact again. A child cannot have too much love or too many people to care about her but she can have too much baby ing and indulgence and too many excuses made for her. Open undermining of your rules in front of the child - of the "Mummy is so mean/silly," or "Don't be so hard on her," variety needs to bring an abrupt end to a visit. You won't have to do it often, I promise. Adults can learn as well as children!

DC can all be manipulative at some point, both of mine have to be reminded regularly not to fuss when nothing bad has really happened.

If my DD screamed and blamed me, I'd ask and repeat "How have you hurt yourself?" until she explain what happened. That way she would have to say she fell alone.

If she says she wants to stay at MILs, I'd say, "great you have had a lovely time maybe you could stay for a few days next time". Then see her face drop.

With MIL, stop talking and look her in the eye when she is rude. If she doesn't back track, say "you said I was ... what do you mean?" Repeat and ask for an explanation. Ask again and again what she meant. Be a broken record, "I don't understand" and "what does that mean". Put it back on her.

My exMIL used to say in a sly voice "what does mum think about ..." to manipulate my DC into thinking I was controlling and would say no to things they wanted (e.g. Ice cream before lunch). I countered back with "what does dad say", every time, looking her straight in the eyes.

Step out of the being manipulated game, do not provide the attention that they seek (making you feel bad), turn your attention to other things...must go and put the washing on, get a drink etc.

The rewards system you have is great as she gets praise when doing well.