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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To feel like never talking again to friend who’s just been telling me about her teenage dcs school work

129 replies

sunshineanddaffodils · 07/04/2020 17:52

Feeling thoroughly depressed after talking to friend who’s dc are 13 and 15. They’re still happily doing school work this week after an energetic warm up at 9am from joe wicks. Last 2 weeks they have been busy working 7- 8hr days.
My 2 are flat refusing to do anything school related a the moment as it’s ‘Easter holidays’Hmm They did do the work school set for the previous 2 weeks but had it all done within 3-4 hours maximum. I honestly feel utterly stressed and depressed. I was worried before about them missing school but now my stress has hit new heightsSad

OP posts:
eaglejulesk · 07/04/2020 20:59

Please don't feel stressed. Your kids have been doing their work, what hers are doing sounds far too much. These are very strange times and it is unrealistic to expect kids to carry on completely as normal. Your kids will be fine. Let them enjoy their holiday time and relax Brew Cake

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 07/04/2020 21:05

7/8 hours? Bollocks are they doing that much "school work". I bet they have desks in their rooms and have totally figured out their way around the in house IT WiFi security.

Or I think your response should be something along the lines of "hell isn't it. Bill and Bob were set extra catch up work in the Easter holidays last year, they've totally learnt that lesson".

My kids (younger) were set a ton of work in the final week before the holidays. Dreading the summer term if we're honest as it's a lot to supervise and work full time. The school has been very clear though for prep and secondary it's now holidays. Catch up work only (if needed.)

TheHumansAreDefinitelyDead · 07/04/2020 21:05

Today may 15 yr old did no work (it’s the holidays!) gamed a lot, ate and ate and ate, gamed more, made me watch a Pewdiepie video with him, raided the biscuit tin.

And I think he’s doing well Grin

We are trying to relax and have fun.

DH is a secondary school teacher, he deals with the fallout of pushy parenting all the time (massive anxiety in teens, self harming, suicide attempts, kids just paralysed by fear of not getting top grades and disappointing their parents...)

It’s all bollocks

Relax a bit and give your kids a break, then they can start refreshed in 2 weeks time Smile

This is a time to focus on mental health, on family bonds, in making it through this massive global life changing event unscathed. About coming together. About supporting friends.

Your friend is not your friend. Focus your energy on people who like you and don’t try to make themselves feel good by making you feel bad...

ToCaden · 07/04/2020 21:09

To be honest if her kids are happy doing school work for that many hours a day, then good for them. I don't agree with the posters trying to shame her for working her kids through the holidays. With enough prep, the right mindset, and kids used to it then school work can be fun.

The idea that school work is inherently bad and boring is dangerous. You get kids trying to flee from any kind of work. We don't need to push the mindset that this woman is doing something bad so that you don't feel bad about what you're doing.

That being said, you don't need to feel bad about what you're doing.

You and her, and yours and her kids are different. You're going to approach schoolwork and life in a different way.

Knowledge is a good cure for feeling insecure. Check out their curriculum and what the end goal of their courses are (topic areas they'll need to learn, exams they might be learning toward, written assignments.)

You're working yourself, so your goal isn't to learn it all alongside them. It's to make sure you (and more importantly they) have an idea of what the big picture of each subject is. So they know where they're going and that they're learning each subject enough to be able to do whatever work will end up deciding their grades.

That way they'll also be able to notice any problem areas. There are so many lovely revision books that will help them plug any gaps.

And for study skills themselves my favourite is 'how to become an A star student' by Cal Newport. It's great because it's not about the usual grind through boring schoolwork.

It's about how to study efficiently and learn things quickly and easily as possible to make sure you've got it, and that you're not wasting time not really learning. It also covers essays and is applicable to multiple topics. It's aimed at college students but is a fun easy read and is so much about the fundamentals of learning that it'll be useful for anyone aged 12 or over. I'd recommend it even if you don't think your kids have problems studying.

To be short. The focus of the above is just about making sure they're able to assess how they're doing and plan their learning. You just need to learn enough to be able to ask them enough questions to know how they're doing and for them to feel they're able to tell you if they're finding a topic difficult.

And just for your browsing, take a look at the forum 'well trained mind.' It's a massive community of home schoolers and after schoolers. It's American based, so if you do decide to go in a level deeper and look at curriculum you would need to play about with the levels, etc. I'm recommending it to you solely so you can look at some of the posts and be reassured that people do this kind of thing all the time. And most started knowing zilch about it.

Plus the forum can be a bit addictive (but that may just be me).

So she's doing well and it appears you're doing well as well. Just try to get a grasp of what they' need to cover so you can reassure yourself of that. Don't be too shy to send their teachers an email to ask how they're doing and if there are any weak areas they need to concentrate on. If you and your kids and your teachers all manage to work together it makes it so much easier and will hopefully help you feel better about what you're doing.

billy1966 · 07/04/2020 21:13

Can't be bother reading the 5 pages.. friends don't go on about this stuff, especially not for teens.

I have alwsys been super on top of my childrens school stuff...always...certainly wouldn't be going on about it...mine are all in bed half the day...its holidays...they did do the assignments schools and colleges set for them but they are on holidays now.

Your friends is a pita...move on or ignore..

AnneOfCloves · 07/04/2020 21:20

Don't fret.

Some kids are happy with structure and direction, feel more comfortable with steady workloads and a system similar to school.

Some kids value freedom and lack of structure, and working at their own pace and to theiur own engagement level.

Both are fine. Don't feel judged, and don't resent that her children respiond differently to yours. You're both doing fine in heightened circumstances.

XingMing · 07/04/2020 21:24

I do sympathize with everyone with children coming up to to GCSE. Everyone has been stressing the importance of the exams. In normal years, they would matter, but this year they don't matter as much, because most of the outcomes will be based on the teachers' view of the student personally. If your DC were difficult/ disruptive in class, expect a fail, and don't blame the teacher. If they were moderately attentive, reckon on a pass. If your child was enthralled, and interested, they can probably expect a grade to progress to A level study. We all ultimately get what we sow.

TwoleftUggs · 07/04/2020 21:24

My dc are 12 and 15. We all do joe wicks and they start work about 9.45. Have done all work set for them each day within about 3-4 hours. Then spending afternoons in garden/chilling/whatever. School have set no easter holiday work and they are enjoying having absolutely nothing to do for now.
If your friends dc are spending 7-8hrs doing work every day I would say they are probably not focused/ are faffing a lot. Don’t sweat it.

lazylinguist · 07/04/2020 21:26

Don't stress, OP! Your friend is being ott. Dh and I are both teachers. Dh is Head of the school my 12yo and 14yo (year 10) dc go to and is in charge of coordinating the distance learning. We're on week 2 of the Easter holidays and have not made our two do a single jot of work since the holidays began. It's the holidays!

h3av3n · 07/04/2020 21:33

Why take it personally..?

BlackeyedSusan · 07/04/2020 21:36

My dd is doing school work, 100% of it, ds on the other hand...

well a 50% success rate over all is not too bad is it?

Gibbonsgibbonsgibbons · 07/04/2020 21:44

Goodness I’m so sorry to hear your children are struggling with the work mine are delighted to have got everything done before the holiday 😁 😇😁

middleager · 07/04/2020 21:47

That's way too much.
Nothing to boast about putting your poor kids through that.

Troels · 07/04/2020 22:00

My 15 year old is getting all the work set done and turned in on time, she still spends more time on Social media and Xbox. Most he does is a couple of hours at a time.
Plus cooking and exercising.
If her kids really are sitting that long I doubt it's school work the whole time. They are probably on their phones.

Astressie · 07/04/2020 22:04

To me 7-8 hours a day school work almost sounds like abuse-although probably too strong a word. That is more time than they actually spend on school work at school. How awful for them. Don't listen to her. I actually don't think I'd want to be friends with someone who says things like this!

Butchyrestingface · 07/04/2020 22:05

I did tell my friend to stop talking about her kids as it was making me stressed

If I were the friend, I wouldn't be much impressed at this. I wonder if she's now posting on AIBU too. Confused

Kitsandkids · 07/04/2020 22:07

You’ve got to do what works for your family. I would love it if my foster kids would happily spend their days playing board games or making Lego models together but instead they constantly argue and yell at each other if left to their own devices. So I teach them for 7 hours a day, 5 days a week. And each week of the holiday I will be teaching them for 2 days because for my own sanity I need to keep them fairly structured. I wish that I didn’t have to do that, but for us it works.

Rabblemum · 07/04/2020 22:19

My son has an EHCP, we’ve done most of it in spurts. I’ve had the Covids so that doesn’t help.

Just build on what your son does do and build it up slowly. Also encourage his own research, they’ll study things they like and remember it better.

I do wonder if your friend is bored and wanting an ego boost, people often give others a story they would like to be living in.

GinnyStrupac · 07/04/2020 22:22

Our school would say your family are doing it about right OP. There would be concern your friend's family are going a bit too far. And our HT has sent an email to everyone saying pretty much that about what school expects.

disorganisedsecretsquirrel · 07/04/2020 22:23

I would just feel very smug that you are not an over pushy mother OP. It's Easter holiday . Kids should be relaxing and finding ways to enjoy themselves.

Be thankful that your children will be well rounded and enjoy learning . Anyone who thinks pushing there kids to do 8 hrs a day at the kitchen table will be doing no favours to either their children or their relationship with their children.

BatShite · 07/04/2020 23:41

Could be 7-8 hours of teenager multitasking, half doing homework while also watching Netflix on their tablet while chatting to their friends on their phones. Or is it just mine that do homework like that?

Def not just yours. Caught DSD watching shite on her phone while..cleaning the bathroom a few weeks bac, phone propped up over (open) loo..which was clearly a great idea. Kept wiping a few times, then going to stare at screen intently for 5 mins, repeat.

Shes been the hardest with school work tbh, though less whingey than the little ones, but thats mainly as she barely speaks to us anyway!

My kids are doing not much in the holidays tbh. Might get them to use their screentime on those (very fucking annoying) alphablock videos on youtube or something though..

POP7777777 · 07/04/2020 23:46

It IS the Easter holidays and they wouldn't be working 7-8 hours normally in the holidays would they? I feel a bit sorry for her kids. Mine have just fannied around during the holidays, having a nice time. I've kept the pressure off as there are bigger things going on right now!! When the new term date starts again, we'll get back to some sort of structure (not 7-8 hours a day of school work though!)

BatShite · 07/04/2020 23:48

In normal years, they would matter, but this year they don't matter as much, because most of the outcomes will be based on the teachers' view of the student personally.

I would have been utterly fucked if thats how my grades were done. I wasn't difficult as such, just had no interest really past about 14. Exams have always been easy for me though and despite doing maybe..half the courseowrk..I ended up with mostly Bs and one C. Annoying looking back, as a litte effort would have got me much better.

On the other hand, if the mock results were used for proper GCSEs, I would have done even better..mocks were generally A's..

A little worried about DSDs school actually..as shes being awkward about the work sure, but they are barely even updating anything. She is year 10..so will most likely be doing exams next year and it appears that their teachers are not doing what teachers everywhere else are doing. Y10/11 are so so important.

Last week, they updated on Monday with a short English essay thing, and a few maths sheets..couple of hours at the very most, that was the weeks work. We have taken to trying to find out sylabus and setting work ourselves, which obviously makes us evil Hmm But I think its very important she keep doing schol stuff, even if it appears her teachers dont give a shit. The stuff we are doing might be pointless though..not sure. Still feel its better than staring at an iphone all day though, even if it doesn't help fr the exams..

sunshineanddaffodils · 08/04/2020 08:35

That must be so hard @BatShite. Hopefully your school will get their act together over Easter and start sending appropriate work home for your dd. If you’re anything like me in normal times I generally leave my dc to it so wouldn’t have a clue about what work to set them myself. Really hope things improve from school.

OP posts:
TheMotherofAllDilemmas · 08/04/2020 08:41

I agree with Batshit, DS is a bit hyper so teachers do not think much of him even when he gets better grades than his peers, for his GCSEs he was predicted 4-5 in most of his subjects and ended with 8s even in those predicted a 4.

I am pretty sure he is screwed up, he changed school for A levels so his new teachers don’t know he is that academic.