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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is sister in law being very stupid here or doing the right thing

105 replies

Dubdubdubtub · 07/04/2020 09:20

My SIL has three kids and is a single parent.
She works in the NHS as a nurse. She works three days a week. She works in ITU.
She could send all three of her kids to school that is five minutes down the road as she a key worker but instead is driving them to grandparents three days a week and they are having them. She is then staying for tea every night when she gets back.
My FIL is 72 and my MIL 69. They have both had medical issues in the past but nothing too serious. My FIL is a type 2 diabetic which is dangerous with this virus but maybe not as dangerous as type 1

Not sure if she is doing the right thing but leaning towards she should be sending them to school and leaving grandparents alone. Also if they are looking after the kids surely it should be a quick drop off and pick up.

OP posts:
Smileyaxolotl1 · 07/04/2020 10:57

I think she is in a really difficult position but is making the wrong decision.
As a pp said, The children should go to live with their grandparents. Absolutely horrible for her of course but also better than the quite high risk that she passes on a deadly virus to her parents.

TeddTess · 07/04/2020 11:10

I'm sure the grandparents know the risk.
My parents would do the same in this situation.
She is a lone parent working in ITU. It is far from ideal and i hope they are doing what they can to minimise spread but if she gets it and they are having her kids then they are likely to get it from them.

Unless you can help/offer an alternative then i'd keep out of it.

AprilFloundering · 07/04/2020 11:13

She would have been better off sending her kids to her grandparents early on and not seeing any of them herself, except through windows.

What she's doing is mad.

CeibaTree · 07/04/2020 11:15

I'm sure your in-laws are well aware of the risks and if they have chosen to take them then they have made that choice. My husband didn’t know if he should have a word with her or not why on earth do you think that your husband will be pointing out anything to her/them that they won't have already thought of? I'm sure your SiL is having an unbelievably stressful time at work as it is, without her wider family trying to send her on a guilt trip.

qweryuiop · 07/04/2020 11:27

Safest thing in terms of Covid-19 would be for her to leave the kids with the grandparents full time. It then becomes unlikely for any of them to catch it.

School provision would raise the risk to her and the children, though remove the risk for GPs.

Current arrangement means all of them are at relatively high risk due to her job.

However, if she's had a breakdown in the past, I'm sure she'll be factoring her mental health into this. Only she can know what feels the safest overall.

PoppyFleur · 07/04/2020 11:29

Some of the responses on this thread are beyond comprehension. Some posters are up in arms that the SIL is risking her parents health and going against guidance. Yet we, as a nation, are happy to have a single parent, mother of 3, risk her life for all of us by working as a nurse in ICU.

Goodness knows what horrors your SIL witnesses day to day in her workplace. She is trying her very best to hold it all together as the sole parent to her children. The grandparents have made their decision to support their daughter and grandchildren. This is their choice to make.

If she were a member of my family I would be calling her each day to check in and see how she is and tell her how much of a hero she is. I would be doing what practical measures I could to help her - particularly as she has had previous mental health challenges.

But you continue on with your silent judgement.

onanothertrain · 07/04/2020 11:35

poppyfleur is spot on. I'm sure your SIL has weighed up her options and gone for the one with least risk to her family. Its not your place to say anything.

Ponoka7 · 07/04/2020 11:38

"Just another thing could SIL get fined if the police stop her and she says she is dropping the kids with grandparents"

No it's allowed. It was made quite clear that this, is guidance and people still have the right to make childcare arrangements.

It's up to her Parents.

I think what people need to understand that the lack of social distancing will keep us in lock down. People aren't practicing it when they go out. So unless we do get antibody tests, this will be continuing for months.

It isn't the first time that the over 55 's have lived with diseases that put our lives at risk, or our prognosis for cancer/heart disease etc was death.
Because she is only risking them and they are ok with it, it's their business, as tough as it is for their Son.

TheStuffedPenguin · 07/04/2020 11:39

I'm sure the grandparents know the risk.
My parents would do the same in this situation.

and this is why people die ...

TheStuffedPenguin · 07/04/2020 11:41

Because she is only risking them and they are ok with it, it's their business, as tough as it is for their Son

FFS she isn't just risking her parents - she is risking her patients, her colleagues etc .

corythatwas · 07/04/2020 11:42

I don't get how she is only risking their lives and they are ok with it. Surely if they get it she is also risking the lives of any of her colleagues who have to care for her and anyone who then takes over the care of her children.

With a disease as infectious as this one "only risking your own life" doesn't happen.

PrincessConsueIaBananaHammock · 07/04/2020 11:42

An she move in with them? That would be the best atm if they insist in keeping the arrangement.

LonelyFromCorona · 07/04/2020 11:45

Regardless it is completely against guidance. Children should be at home or at school (for key workers). Children can go between their parents homes if they aren't together.

Visiting grandparents for dinner is not necessary either.

And she's an NHS worker! Should know better surely?

needsahouseboy · 07/04/2020 11:50

If the school would cover her hours including commuter time then she is nuts. I'm a nurse and my mum who is 70 is not looking after my child at all. I will drop the dog (furry baby) off to her if I'm unable to work from home for the morning. I'm not even working in a high risk area but no way am i having my conscious ruined if she gets it.

Whoareyoudududu · 07/04/2020 11:51

Absolutely bonkers.

BubblyWater · 07/04/2020 11:56

Can the children not live with the grandparents for a while and stay out of school?

Would that not lessen the risk of exposure?

Dozer · 07/04/2020 11:59

This is your H’s call, as it’s his family. If I was your H I’d be expressing v strong concern to my parents and sister.

Judashascomeintosomemoney · 07/04/2020 12:20

This poor woman is a single mother to three under tens, an ITU nurse, and she’s already previously had a breakdown. The mental load must be immense, utterly immense, and she’s trying make decisions on how best to manage her situation. I’m not surprised she needs the support of her parents, and the down time of spending tea time with them. And presumably her parents have decided, against the risks, they will offer that support. Without them she would presumably also be having to deal with school runs, and getting shopping in for extra food to feed them all. No wonder they’ve collectively made this choice and decided it’s the best of a bad situation. Pushed in to doing what others are advocating, without walking in her shoes, I wouldn’t blame her, and those like her, for deciding, fuck it, and giving up the essential job she is currently doing, to stay at home with her children.

Walnutwhipster · 07/04/2020 12:24

My sister works in a hospital and is really poorly with CV. She felt it was a matter of when not if she would catch it due to a lack of adequate PPE. Your SIL is putting her parents at massive risk.

Zeusthemoose · 07/04/2020 12:24

onanothertrain Op's SIL hasn't chose the lowest risk option has she? She is going right against gov guidelines. Yes her job must be incredibly challenging however surely it should make her more resolute to protect her elderly parents and reduce the risk of them ending up in ICU themselves.

We are all having tough decisions to make especially in the NHS but not risking others health must be a priority. If her mental health is suffering then she needs to talk to her manager to raise concerns and protect both herself and her family with an alternative solution.

Ponoka7 · 07/04/2020 12:28

@TheStuffedPenguin, she isn't risking her colleagues because it would be her carrying the virus. Without her having it, it can't be transmitted to her parents or children. But, if she puts her children in school, then she has another route of infection. Which also puts the OP's DH at risk and his colleagues and the OP's client.

So doing what the SIL is doing is putting less people at risk than sending the children into school.

If our medical staff have PPE, then there is no risk. Lets get angry about that.

onanothertrain · 07/04/2020 12:54

zeusthemoose I'm guessing that in her opinion she has

Ellisandra · 07/04/2020 13:03

It’s not the lowest risk set up, but if the grandparents want this - I don’t have a problem with it.
If the grandparents aren’t isolating, then I do. But if they’re keeping at home completely (shopping done by daughter) then adding the grandparents into their household of 2 + 1 + 3 kids mean they risk the grandparents at taking on starts and ends with them.

As a parent and grandparent, would I increase my own risk, knowing that I was decreasing the risk to my grandchildren (not going to school) and to my daughter (not exposed to the children going to school)? Yes, I would.

There is a lower risk option - children go to grandparents.

There are things they can all do - like mum stripping in the hall, clothes into wash, shower before staying for that tea...

That’s what I, as her brother, would be asking about. The grandparents are adults, and may be happy with their choice.

Original poster
Dubdubdubtub · 07/04/2020 14:37

We have offered to do all in-laws shopping but they are still doing it themselves

OP posts:
OldGranvilleHouse · 09/04/2020 00:08

She is being massively selfish.

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