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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is sister in law being very stupid here or doing the right thing

105 replies

Dubdubdubtub · 07/04/2020 09:20

My SIL has three kids and is a single parent.
She works in the NHS as a nurse. She works three days a week. She works in ITU.
She could send all three of her kids to school that is five minutes down the road as she a key worker but instead is driving them to grandparents three days a week and they are having them. She is then staying for tea every night when she gets back.
My FIL is 72 and my MIL 69. They have both had medical issues in the past but nothing too serious. My FIL is a type 2 diabetic which is dangerous with this virus but maybe not as dangerous as type 1

Not sure if she is doing the right thing but leaning towards she should be sending them to school and leaving grandparents alone. Also if they are looking after the kids surely it should be a quick drop off and pick up.

OP posts:
Iwalkinmyclothing · 07/04/2020 10:26

Schools are open core hours though aren't they, they can't offer wraparound care right now? For a few days before DH was furloughed I was reliant on the younger's DC's school as a keyworker; all it meant in practice was I would get to work and have to leave 4 hours later to collect them again. I agree the grandparents in this scenario are being exposed to unacceptable risk but I can see why 'send them to school it's open for keyworker families' isn't the great solution many seem to think it is.

rjebgf · 07/04/2020 10:27

She does appear to be putting her parents at risk but if they are in command of their faculties then there is nothing you can do. They must be well aware of what’s going on, including the fact that schools are taking the children of key workers.

whatsleep · 07/04/2020 10:28

Could you or the grandparents take your sisters children in for a period of time. I guess the risk is that the children pick up the virus and spread it to another household but if they were living with you for the next few months this would not only prevent them from getting it/spreading it but would also give your sister the ability to work and manage her mental heath? Not great for her and the kids to be separated but it might work? I guess this depends on the age of the children too

Zeusthemoose · 07/04/2020 10:29

I do think your SIL is being irresponsible. I understand she may think the arrangement is her only option however she doesn't have to stay for dinner when she picks her kids up.

Just for you own info OP Type 2 diabetes is no less at risk of complications than someone with Type 1 if someone contracts Covid because often those with Type 2 are older and possibly with more than one comorbidity. You SIL will know that.

Original poster
Dubdubdubtub · 07/04/2020 10:31

Lynda07
I am dyslexic so don’t always form my sentences in the correct way but thanks for pointing that out. You can feel all superior now for the next hour

OP posts:
Paintedmaypole · 07/04/2020 10:31

It isn't ideal but the grandparents know the risks and are willing to take them so I tink your husband "having a word" would only cause conflict.

Toddlerteaplease · 07/04/2020 10:31

I don't see what else she could do. As most nurses work 12 hour shifts. She shouldn't be going in the house as well, though. But after a 12 hour shift you are so knackered that of someone is cooking for you. You eat it!

bluebirdsong · 07/04/2020 10:33

What is her commute to work if drop off is 7.30 and she starts at 8 because I wouldn’t be able to manage that turnaround?
I would need to be at work 15 mins before shift starts to change clothes get into handover starting at 8. That would leave 15 minutes from drop off to get to work. Are you sure that’s manageable for her?
I agree it’s not ideal but it’s not always as simple as it sounds.

EricaNernie · 07/04/2020 10:33

not much you can do op.
they have made their decision.
you dont approve, you bought it to mn, you talk about her being fined, i think that it is highly unlikely.
i imagine she chagnes her clothes and washes her hands before pick up

Iwalkinmyclothing · 07/04/2020 10:34

The school is open from 7.30 till 5

That's amazingly good of them, ours was not able (and no one expected otherwise!) to offer anything other than 8.45- 3.30.

NoMoreDickheads · 07/04/2020 10:35

I understand she may think the arrangement is her only option

@Zeusthemoose She knows it's not, as she will know she could send them to school as everyone knows that key workers can do that.

9millioncansofbeans · 07/04/2020 10:35

Why don’t you agree to have the children instead?

LizzieMacQueen · 07/04/2020 10:36

I wonder if she thinks she's already been exposed to it, had it in mild form and is now immune?

The sooner we get the antibody tests the sooner we can have an end to these dilemmas.

donquixotedelamancha · 07/04/2020 10:36

It is impressive how few people on here are reading even the OP's posts.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 07/04/2020 10:38

Gosh it would be so helpful if posters could read the thread before questioning the OP. It's not like it's 1000 posts long.

She has clearly explained the school opening times.

She has clearly explained why she is unable to take the dc.

NewModelArmyMayhem18 · 07/04/2020 10:38

OP your SIL should know better.

NewModelArmyMayhem18 · 07/04/2020 10:39

Perhaps she needs to negotiate different shift patterns for the time-being?

cardibach · 07/04/2020 10:39

Schools are open core hours though aren't they
Depends where you are. I’m a teacher and our hub schools are open 7-7, 7 days a week and all over the holiday except Easter weekend.

tenlittlecygnets · 07/04/2020 10:40

She's going against all the NHS guidelines by risking her parents' health. She is not supposed to be anywhere near her parents!! Especially if they have underlying health issues.

GPs are not supposed to be anywhere near kids, who may carry cv without showing symptoms. She's being really irresponsible.

If school covers the hours she needs to work, then the dc should go there. She should be changing at work into clean clothes and showering/washing everything the instant she gets in.t

wheretonow123 · 07/04/2020 10:40

Quick query, is it her parents or her husbands parents that she is dropping them to? Not totally relevant but it may effect the interaction and their facility to say no.

Also, I know this is pedantic but she is not a single parent in reality. Those kids have a father or fathers - he or they need to be stepping up to the plate in this time of crisis.

9millioncansofbeans · 07/04/2020 10:40

My friend is in the same position. She has send her children to live with her parents until this is over. It’s hard but it reduces the risk of her passing it to her parents

Onceateacher · 07/04/2020 10:40

@Puddington of course! Blush

Quartz2208 · 07/04/2020 10:45

This just goes to show how awful this whole thing is and how many difficult choices are being made. And how now we are judging a single parent who has had abreakdown her choices in order to enable her to be an ITU nurse which is probably an awful thing.

I suspect given her mental health background your in laws feel that supporting her through this is necessary rather than leaving her to go between work and the school with no other interaction. Strictly speaking its not the best choice in terms of spread or their health but I guess it is the choice that they have made

ineedaholidaynow · 07/04/2020 10:47

Most schools are trying to maintain social distancing. She should be sending her children to the school, that is why they are open, to stop what she is doing.

Biscuitsdisappear · 07/04/2020 10:50

She is his sister and he only needs to ask her how she is managing and discuss his concerns about their parents.