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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is sister in law being very stupid here or doing the right thing

105 replies

Dubdubdubtub · 07/04/2020 09:20

My SIL has three kids and is a single parent.
She works in the NHS as a nurse. She works three days a week. She works in ITU.
She could send all three of her kids to school that is five minutes down the road as she a key worker but instead is driving them to grandparents three days a week and they are having them. She is then staying for tea every night when she gets back.
My FIL is 72 and my MIL 69. They have both had medical issues in the past but nothing too serious. My FIL is a type 2 diabetic which is dangerous with this virus but maybe not as dangerous as type 1

Not sure if she is doing the right thing but leaning towards she should be sending them to school and leaving grandparents alone. Also if they are looking after the kids surely it should be a quick drop off and pick up.

OP posts:
drspouse · 07/04/2020 09:51

The stats seem to be that the risk (both in terms of transmission, because kids don't get symptoms which means they transmit less and in terms of how bad the disease is) of child-child transmission is lower than adult-adult.
The risk is her transmitting to the elderly parents, the DCs transmitting at school (especially if teachers are wiping/social distancing) and the DCs transmitting to the elderly parents are lowER risks. Not LOW but lowER.

Original poster
Dubdubdubtub · 07/04/2020 09:58

I am sure, my brother is a teacher there. The dad is out the picture

OP posts:
Original poster
Dubdubdubtub · 07/04/2020 10:02

We will leave it for SIL and PIL to work it out between them.
Just another thing could SIL get fined if the police stop her and she says she is dropping the kids with grandparents. Just thought of that.

I so hard the rules are there but so many grey bits

OP posts:
startrek90 · 07/04/2020 10:03

It's your sil so why don't you and your husband have the kids if you are so worried? Your sil is lone parent and key worker, presumably she is trying to make this work as best as she can. I feel for her so much. My sil is a widow with 2 young children and is a key worker. The childcare group only works a few hours a day and doesn't completely cover her shifts, so I have the kids. No ideal as I am pregnant but needs must. Families have to pull together not judge each other.

Maybe your husband can offer to care for his sisters kids and spare his parents? Maybe you can arrange shopping etc for them? If she is a keyworker and also a lone parent perhaps getting to the shops is also difficult?

sillysmiles · 07/04/2020 10:03

So.....a family member is a teacher is the school..... have you/ your husband offered to help her out??
You/ your DH can't really complain if you aren't willing to help.

WhatATimeToBeAlive · 07/04/2020 10:05

It's not really grey. Older and vulnerable people should be in isolation, schools are open for children of key workers and families shouldn't be visiting each other. What part of this doesn't your sister understand?

Original poster
Dubdubdubtub · 07/04/2020 10:08

My DH is a teacher and in full time at the moment: this may change as numbers of kids are going down and I work 4 night shifts week as a carer. The girl I work with has multiple disabilities including tube feed, needs chest physio as lots of chest issues, diabetic, epileptic, cerebral palsy and the list goes on. So I can’t come into contact with any one at high risk of there kids for her sake. If she got it she would die.
We are just about managing to keep DS off school between us.

OP posts:
Onceateacher · 07/04/2020 10:09

If it's your sil does that mean it's your family member who is the children's dad?

Makeitgoaway · 07/04/2020 10:09

So if you think it's so important your SiL's children are in school, yours could be there too?

Original poster
Dubdubdubtub · 07/04/2020 10:10

I can cope with DS alone after a night shift as he is older. I could not cope with three other kids under the age of 10 and then go back on a nights shift. I have fibro and am just scraping through as it is

OP posts:
Original poster
Dubdubdubtub · 07/04/2020 10:12

Why would I send my DS to school if we can keep him at home? If the option was sending him to school or grandparents then I would send him to school.

OP posts:
Clavinova · 07/04/2020 10:12

Or has she decided that likelihood of infection is high, and keeping it within her family is better than potentially infecting all the key workers who use the school-based facility?

This.
Also, your SIL has some control over the precautions she is taking at work - she doesn't have control over the precautions other essential workers may (or may not) be taking - who then send their dc to the school-based facility.

Original poster
Dubdubdubtub · 07/04/2020 10:13

Makeitgoaway
When did I say it was so important for them to be at school?
I think my question was would school be better then grandparents. Read the thread eh

OP posts:
Puddington · 07/04/2020 10:14

If it's your sil does that mean it's your family member who is the children's dad?
Husband's sister, surely?

MrsKoala · 07/04/2020 10:16

So if you think it's so important your SiL's children are in school, yours could be there too?

Why do you think the OP thinks the sisters kids should be at school? Do you think she thinks they should be there for education purposes? I don't think that is the case. I read the posts as the OP is concerned for the grandparents health. In which case whether the ops kids go to school doesn't have bearing, as she is not sending the children to the grandparents and caring for them herself.

donquixotedelamancha · 07/04/2020 10:16

I think the fact she is hanging around for a good two or three hours after picking the kids up is getting to him more

I'm not sure that's a big increase in the risk. If (probably when) she gets it, her kids are virtually certain to.

The big issue is that it seems nuts to put vulnerable people at such risk. If this was my sister I'd discuss it.

bluebirdsong · 07/04/2020 10:17

What hours does she work and what hours are the school open?
As a nurse the name calling on here is pretty upsetting. She is probably under a massive amount of pressure right now and people are so quick to judge without knowing the full story.

NoMoreDickheads · 07/04/2020 10:19

I wouldn't put my parents at risk like that. I think most people are staying away from elderly/at risk of CV loved ones as much as possible, so as not to risk killing them.

Lynda07 · 07/04/2020 10:20

Five sentences in a row starting with, "She". Wow.

I think it is for your sister in law and parents in law to decide, they obviously think the arrangement is OK at the moment. However, considering the grandparents' health, it does sound a bit dodgy.

Original poster
Dubdubdubtub · 07/04/2020 10:21

She works from 8 till 4. The school is open from 7.30 till 5
Can I just say I was totally in two minds about this which is why I wanted to see what other people thought

OP posts:
CallMeRachel · 07/04/2020 10:22

She's being reckless. It's clearly been said in the government guidelines that people over 70 should be avoided.

She's at the highest risk of carrying the virus into their home with her being in ITU.

The school hub will help her find childcare to accommodate her shifts if she asks them.

Again, where is the fathers in all these cases??

Why are elderly parents being put at risk because of feckless absent fathers. It's a disgrace.

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 07/04/2020 10:22

@Lynda07 nothing wrong with the OP being concerned about her in-laws.

Chewbecca · 07/04/2020 10:23

She is putting her parents at risk, I wouldn’t do it when there is a better option (i.e. school).

Tootletum · 07/04/2020 10:25

Quite the drip feed going on here.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 07/04/2020 10:25

Are her three shifts in a row?

If so it would be safer for her to reduce contact with everyone, so dropping dc at the grandparents before her first shift, and leaving them in their care for the duration of the three shifts. She can then decontaminate herself fully before collection which is her staying inside her car and her parents sending dc out the door to her.