She doesn't want to go and I don't know what to do.

[ArtNotDishes]

I'm so anxious and Mumsnet has always helped me in the past so I'm reaching out again. My mum was diagnosed with a brain tumour and a spinal cord tumour and put on a two week cancer wait 5 weeks ago. She now has an appointment on Thursday at a hospital 2 hours drive away. She needs specialist scans. She called me tonight as she doesn't want to go as she scared she might catch the virus. She's 73 and she's been staying inside alone for 3 weeks. She's also scared of the outcome if she doesn't go. She's on her own and looking to me for advice and answers and I just don't know what to say. My instinct is to go with my gut and tell her not to go and to wait it out. I don't want to make the wrong call. Sorry I'm so stressed.

softygirl - you’re well named. Soft in the head. How dare you use the fact that you work in a hospital to give such dangerous advice.

OP - at this stage before your mum has had all the scans no-one can know exactly what they are dealing with or how important it is to proceed quickly. I’ve known patients taken to theatre straight after their scans, or equally a few weeks’ delay might not be a problem.

Please at least get these first scans done.

softygirl Like other PP's I'm genuinely horrified that you would preface your advice with the fact that you're a consultant's secretary and you work in a hospital. Some people would take that to mean you know what you're talking about and your advice should be followed. However, you very, very clearly do NOT and you shouldn't ever post on boards offering advice on medical conditions. I hope mumsnet admin monitor this and have a word with you. How would you feel if the OP followed your advice and the worst happened - she lost her mum to cancer because she didn't have a scan and life saving treatment because YOU softygirl are more afraid of the virus than cancer without having any training in medicine, or stats-based risk assessment.

As other PP's have said OP, your mum's been triaged, and called in. Overwhelmingly, the advice on this forum from others with personal or family experience of cancer have recommended that she go in.

Your call, but a secretary who happens to work in a hospital and who doesn't know how to judge the difference in impact of cancelling ongoing treatment scans and cancelling first assessment scans should not influence your judgement at all.

Good luck and I am terribly sorry about your mum. All I can say if is what I would do if it was my own DM is I would put masks, gloves (and goggles or glasses if you have them) on her and drive her in, letting the Consultant who called her in be the one who's made the risk assessment.

*Just to clarify, I do believe softygirl is entitled to post her opinions where she likes, as are we all, but not to express them as though working as a consultant's secretary and doling out (confidential) information about this consultants' other patients (without statistics or reasons) should give her opinions special status.

Hospitals and medical staff have cancelled every procedure they think can possibly wait.

They haven't cancelled your mum's.

The coronavirus situation isn't certain to improve for months, but cancer is definitively progressive. She has to go. It's terrifying, but she has to go.

Yes go. You don't want to look back in regret but taking her is possibly more sensible with the utmost caution of course

@20agonyauntie2020
Well put. Very passionate

@ArtNotDishes

I’m so sorry you and your mum are going through this. What a terrible situation. I can totally appreciate your poor mum’s fear of going to her appointment. We have cancelled several non essential appointments but your mum’s is clearly a vitally important one. It’s a horrible dilemma and I can’t say I know what I would do in your, or her, situation. All I can say is that I have a very dear friend who is currently going through cancer treatment and she says she feels very safe going to her appointments because of the very rigorous hygiene and safety measure in the oncology department. This includes a separate entrance so she is not mingling with the other hospital out patients. Could you speak to the hospital and find out what measures they are taking? It may give you and your mum some reassurance.

Wishing you both well

Perhaps it simply boils down to this.

She MAY catch the virus if she leaves her home but she likely wont.

She DOES have cancer and if treatable the sooner that starts the better.

It's ultimately her decision to make but that's the way I would present it to her.

softygirl you may well be as you are implying, an experienced pa to a top cancer consultant, it's also possible that you are a particularly unpleasant internet troll.

Since none of us know which you are and since even if you have the best of intentions your medical knowledge will be extremely limited , and in this instance complete guesswork, then I think your advice is both Inappropriate and potentially dangerous.

If you are what you claim to be I suggest you ask your boss whether they think it is a good idea for you to offer clinical advice on a public forum to people in a vunerable position and whose medical history you do not know.

From what I've read, hospitals have cancelled appointments/treatments that aren't urgent/can wait a while. The fact that your mum's appointment hasn't been cancelled I would presume means the benefit is worth the risk. My dad is having radiotherapy at the moment and has a very precise time to attend ( 3.12pm etc). The waiting area has been arranged so that there are no more than two people waiting for their treatment plus patients wait in their cars/outside until they receive a phone call to come and wait inside. My dad (age 74) has quite a number of underlying health conditions (heart and lungs) and apart from radiotherapy appointments he hasn't been out off the house... And he's doing ok. Wishing you well xx

Most of our patients have postponed their CT scans for a couple of months at their own request.

But they're already your patients under treatment, right? This lady hasn't even had her first appointment yet. Are you seriously encouraging her to not go to her first hospital appointment, when she and the consultant don't yet know how bad things are?

Please don't use your admin experience to advise on a medical decision.

^This.

What an unimaginable situation. 💐

HRTWT but, another thing to consider, that with all those patients, there will be a back log of patients, who should and would’ve been seen in normal times. So, if your mum doesn’t go now, but goes in a few / several weeks from now, not only could her prognosis be much worse, the medical staff will be run off their feet & appointments will be harder to come by, I imagine.

I’d get her seen & assesses now, while the consultants & staff are not wading through the back log, & surge in patients, who, en masse call to reschedule their appointments.

Wishing you & your family strength, and your mum a positive outcome.

Please encourage her to go.

She has a very good chance in oncology of not catching the virus but she has a really strong chance of letting the cancer get completely out of hand if she doesn't start treatment asap.

Wishing your Mum well. It is difficult to make a call. My weekly treatment is continuing but my consultant is clear that they will kerp the situation in the hospital under review and postpone if the risks outweigh the likely benefits. I have to go on my own so do check whether you are allowed to accompany. Your Mum should be prepared for temp checks, wearing a mask and strict hygiene protocols. She also needs to take her own drink with her.

@softygirl that’s terrible advice and you are giving medical advice when you’re a secretary! I also have your experience and would never advise against the advice of a hospital or consultant. I’m sure your boss would be worried to hear your advice!!

@ArtNotDishesI’m so sorry you and your lovely mum and in this position. It is a really scary time but the cancer wards are being really well protected. The drs and nurses there are still as passionate as ever about delivering any care and treatment they can for their patients. Your mum will be treated with care and they will do their best to do right by her.

Does your mum have access to any telephone counselling services? It may just help to talk it out with someone. The Macmillan website is great for help and support. Wishing you both all the best x

I am really sorry you and your Mum are going through this. It is hard enough without a pandemic to consider.

Years ago my Mum had a CT scan and then an MRI to get a full picture of what was going on inside her body. These are vital for staff to be able to know the next step. It might be that treatment can wait but without the information they cannot know.

I understand your fear, not only for your Mum but yourself. I have never been so afraid for myself or my family. But I would still take your Mum for the scans.

I’m a medical secretary and deal with 2 week waits. Hospitals are only seeing the most urgent cases so have deemed your mum to be in that category and I would urge you very strongly to go to the appointment. Conditions like this can’t wait. I’m taking my 89 year old mum to an eye appointment soon. She has wet AMD and needs regular injections to stop her losing her sight. I do feel for you but here the pros of taking her easily outweigh the cons.

She should go but I do not think you should go into the building with her.

I know that is horrific. But if everyone going brings another person that increases the risk of getting it for everyone. I would be surprised if the hospital allows that.

I mean this with kindness, as you must both be very scared, but if the hospital thinks she should be seen (ie haven't cancelled her appointment) it's because they think not going is of greater risk than covid. I think you need to follow that advice I'm afraid, and I wish you both all the best with it.

@ArtNotDishes

What a terrible, stressful time for you and your mum. I understand why your mother is very reluctant to go, she is feeling frightened and vulnerable. As are you. However, as many PP have said, I think your mother needs to attend the hospital and if you can, I think you should be with her so she doesn't face this alone. I can imagine that both of you might feel at the mercy of events you can't control. Perhaps one way of exercising control is to think of practical things you can do before the appointment to make you both feel more protected. Masks and gloves, do you have access to either? Hand sanitizer? Whatever you can think of to reduce your sense of vulnerability and to prepare for the day. Good luck OP, what a stressful time and hope your mum makes a full recovery.

OP, take her there and both of you take as many precautions as you can. Masks, plastic gloves, glasses to shield your eyes.
Hair tied back so you have less instinct to touch your face.
Use First Defence before you go, take it with you and use it again if you are anywhere near anyone sneezing or coughing, as it has been shown to catch the virus, just as it does the cold virus.
Take anti bac hand gel and wipes.
Just sip water on the day, not coffee, so there's less need to go to the loo.
Bring your own food and water in sealed containers and refuse hospital food if offered.
Bring your own pen to fill out any forms.
Practise social distancing.

This must be so stressful for you both. I hope the consultation goes well.

@softygirl I was appalled enough when reading your response that I felt compelled to write even though I have no real experience to offer the OP. It disgusts me that someone might actually be influenced not to attend an urgent referral appointment because of what you've said.

OP, I'm sorry it's not the same situation at all, but I lost my stepdad last year to a very aggressive form of cancer. His cancer was well managed and he never missed an appointment but they still couldn't save him. It's not a disease I would mess with or choose to delay treating because of the small risk of catching a virus which is significantly less deadly.

Good luck

I would advise your mum, very strongly, that she needs to go. There’s a reason this appointment hasn’t been cancelled or further delayed, she needs to be seen.
Seeing as your husband is a key worker, chances are that he’s more likely to come into contact with the virus through work and thus bring it home, than you are in a hospital where their hygiene standards will be high and they’re only seeing the bare minimum of patients. It’s probably one of the safest places you could go, if you had to choose.

Please encourage your mum to go. As pp have said the risks vs benefits have been weighed already, and they still want her in.
@softygirl has given appalling advice. She deals with patients after the clinicians have balanced assessed risks.
@softygirl Tell your colleagues you’ve been posting on an Internet forum and stating your job and you’d be fired on the spot. It’s a very serious error of judgment.

Just chiming in to agree that if your mothers appointment has not been postponed it means the hospital considers it essential.

My father has regular appointments for an eye condition currently and although my mother can drive him she cannot enter the hospital so be prepared for that.

Take her. I am also in the position of taking a grandparent to hospital. I went last week and it was fine, ghostly. I am going again today, absolutely essential appointment. Some hospitals are doing surgery, ours did.