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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH incredibly needy

97 replies

FortunesFave · 06/04/2020 02:15

He's lucky to be working 3 days a week. I work from home and having him here is killing me. He's always "after me'

Wants to hang out, talk etc.

I DO spend time with him but ultimately I'm a bit of a loner and an introvert...we've been together for 18 years FFS you'd think he'd worked this out by now.

He has mates...but they've got smaller kids than us so aren't always free (when we're not in a pandemic situation) and now we ARE in a pandemic, he's always looking for me!

He never wants to do the things I want to do....he wants to bloody talk for hours!

I know I am not the only one so sorry.....but had to vent a bit.

OP posts:
Original poster
FortunesFave · 06/04/2020 02:18

I do spend time doing what he wants by the way...but he can't seem to understand me....I've told him "When I close my office door, that's a sign I want to be alone" and I also tell him "I:m going to be alone for a bit now"

And he'll STILL open the door and say something stupid like "I think I'll store the seeds in a different drawer now."

FFS!

I DON'T GIVE A SHIT!

Our kids aren't little...they're busy doing their own thing...I don't starve him of attention by the way...I'm often going up to him, giving him a hug/massage/chat but it's never enough!

OP posts:
Smilebehappy123 · 06/04/2020 02:24

Aw bless him sounds like a nice bloke

Weenurse · 06/04/2020 02:28

Put a sign on the door when you are working. let the whole family know that unless there is a fire, and you need to evacuate, or an ambulance is required, you do not get interrupted.
We had to do this for online classes for DD’s, as I kept interrupting their classes.

DustyMaiden · 06/04/2020 02:28

I feel your pain, mine is the same after 42 years together.

Original poster
FortunesFave · 06/04/2020 02:36

Smile he is but I do think this is a deficit of some kind. What's not to understand about "I want to be alone...I'm going in here now, to be alone."

??

It's either rude or a deficit surely?

OP posts:
Original poster
FortunesFave · 06/04/2020 02:36

Dusty 42 years!???

My God.

OP posts:
PhilCornwall1 · 06/04/2020 04:45

OP, you are going to have to be extremely blunt with him. I'd still do the "I'm off to be alone/ work now" and when he then opens the door, be forceful, very forceful with a "why are you bothering me, leave me alone NOW".

Alternatively and only you know your relationship, a blunt "fuck off now!!!" may do the trick.

QueenofLouisiana · 06/04/2020 04:50

DH is the same. I thought it was because he got his alone time while driving an hour each way to work. I now think he just doesn’t need time alone. I get sad eyes if I sit on the other sofa rather than next to him FFS. No solutions, just sympathy!

SeaToSki · 06/04/2020 04:56

Put a lock on your office door and tell him you are going on a conference call. Then deploy ear plugs and read a book in peace

Thepigeonsarecoming · 06/04/2020 04:58

You sound absolutely terrifying OP!!!! Yep I’m posting this and running away!!!

agonyauntie2020 · 06/04/2020 05:13

You do not sound scary at all. I am exactly the same DH is oblivious. Every couple of weeks (in normal times) I have to BEG him to take the DCs out for a few hours just so I can sit home alone and recharge my batteries. Of course, they'll be depleted now but still counting my blessings everyone has their own bedroom and we have a garden. Wish everyone had this.

IndieTara · 06/04/2020 05:13

OP I'm like you but it's also one of the reasons I'm single and will never live with somebody again

vanillandhoney · 06/04/2020 05:15

YANBU at all and he doesn't sound lovely either. Deliberately ignoring your wife's request to be left alone is plain rude at best and controlling at worst. Why does he get to invade your space and time like that?

I'd get a lock put on the door and ignore him if he tries to talk through it. Even my dog understands to stop a behaviour if he gets no attention for it Grin

sobeyondthehills · 06/04/2020 05:16

myself and my partner are operating a if the bedroom door is closed, than no one else opens it.

Its about respect as much as anything else. If we really need to speak to the other one, than fine, but anything else can wait. Both of us need ten minutes to ourselves and without it, it could probably break out relationship.

Its not about not wanting to spend time with each other, its about having a few minutes to get our heads round what is happening and being able to cope with it and our ways of doing it.

Although if I have to play another fucking board game I am going to get insane

springydaff · 06/04/2020 05:57

Sounds like you're his comfort blanket.

Also an extrovert?

You've got to get Really Clear, even if it's hurtful to him. He's being hurtful to you at the moment!

Casino218 · 06/04/2020 06:31

He sounds like my brother. God knows how my SIL puts up with him. Can't stand needy fuckers.

Shoxfordian · 06/04/2020 06:34

Yeah you have to be really clear, even a bit rude if necessary to get the message across

Lynda07 · 06/04/2020 06:35

You're not at all unreasonable, it would drive me potty.

HolaVida · 06/04/2020 06:45

Cut the guy a bit of slack....this situation is stressful for us all. I’m an extrovert married to an introvert. I seem to have responded by wanting more time with him, he seems to have responded by wanting less time with any of us. I think it’s ok - it’ll settle down, but don’t annihilate the guy in the meantime!

GreyishDays · 06/04/2020 06:49

Can you add headphones too, and then ‘not hear’ when he comes in?
Also keep repeating ‘I need to concentrate, please don’t come in when the door is shut,’

My DH is a bit like this and I do think it’s a bit odd that he needed to be told more than once.

youkiddingme · 06/04/2020 07:04

Mine's driving me potty because he's alternating between needing company and trying to manage me because he's missing that role at work - he was actually trying to micro-manage how I unloaded the dishwasher earlier. Then when I do want to spend time with him he's miraculously found something to do. I'm just throwing him a deaf one now when he's only on transmit and receive is turned off.

HennyPenny4 · 06/04/2020 07:08

I blame my DH's undemonstrative DM. She loved babies, not so much children.

Bin85 · 06/04/2020 07:22

'Dusty' I am on 42 years too!
Mine doesn't do this just annoys me in other ways !

Dozer · 06/04/2020 07:24

Tell him.

It’s particularly U of him to interrupt you and seek long chats during your normal working hours.

possumgoddess · 06/04/2020 07:41

My DH is like this, but I tell him I am at work and not to be disturbed. He was popping in to see if I wanted a cup of tea or just to ask me things, but I just looked at him blankly or was obviously a bit annoyed so he doesn't do that much any more. However I have instigated 'official' break times mid morning and afternoon when he brings me a cup of tea and we can have a ten minute chat and we have a half hour lunch break together so he doesn't feel neglected. It seems to be working.....