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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH incredibly needy

97 replies

FortunesFave · 06/04/2020 02:15

He's lucky to be working 3 days a week. I work from home and having him here is killing me. He's always "after me'

Wants to hang out, talk etc.

I DO spend time with him but ultimately I'm a bit of a loner and an introvert...we've been together for 18 years FFS you'd think he'd worked this out by now.

He has mates...but they've got smaller kids than us so aren't always free (when we're not in a pandemic situation) and now we ARE in a pandemic, he's always looking for me!

He never wants to do the things I want to do....he wants to bloody talk for hours!

I know I am not the only one so sorry.....but had to vent a bit.

OP posts:

Whoareyoudududu · 06/04/2020 07:42

Husband wants to spend time talking to wife and giving wife attention, LTB!

Al1Langdownthecleghole · 06/04/2020 08:07

I have one of this species. He is wonderful in so many ways and has been kind and supportive to me in what has been a difficult week, but my god the updates!

I feel for you Fortunes, I need to be in my zone to work, and every interruption takes me out of it.

Original poster

FortunesFave · 06/04/2020 08:07

I question myself as to what's a normal amount of time to spend one-to-one with your partner.

I think a couple of hours is PLENTY. Some days, I'd be happy with none!

What do others think about that?

OP posts:

gingersausage · 06/04/2020 08:10

So you expect him to “get” you after 18 years and accept what you want, but you don’t want to do the same for him after the same amount of time?

It didn’t take long for the “he's abusive” comments to start did it 🤦‍♀️? Honestly, saying that this is controlling makes a mockery out of people who actually are in abusive relationships, rather than just annoyed that their husband doesn’t behave exactly as they want him to.

OuterMongolia · 06/04/2020 08:15

There's no 'normal' here OP - it's a really individual thing. Some people would happily spend hours in their partner's company every day whereas others find that too much. It's just about communicating with each other and finding a compromise that works for you both. Get him to read Quiet by Susan Cain to help him understand where you're coming from.

disappear · 06/04/2020 08:16

Luckily, DH is also an introvert but I remember a time when I was working as a teacher, i.e. talking and being talked to all day, and he was at home building an extension on his home. When he came to fetch me, as soon as I got into the car, he’d want to talk about roof tiles and take me on a detour to look at roof tiles. As long as they keep the rain out and are a normal roof tile colour, I DON’T CARE.

I feel your pain, OP.

Eckhart · 06/04/2020 08:17

What happens after he opens the door to tell you he's put the seeds in a different drawer? How do you respond to him?

Why do you expect him to understand you when it's clear you don't understand him, and rant to online strangers rather than trying to? Perhaps he is having the same online rant about you?

MotherOfAllNameChanges · 06/04/2020 08:17

You sound a bit cold.

TiredofSM · 06/04/2020 08:18

I’m someone who loves my own company.
I can quite easily spend a day by myself or a weekend if the opportunity arose. I don’t like chit chat or talking for the sake of it (unless I’ve had wine).
I know that sounds miserable but that’s just my preference.
My DH will often take the kids out so I can be alone. It’s how I keep sane.
I don’t really have effective strategies. Sometimes I’ll say to DH ‘I’ve had the kids talking at me all day and I just need some quiet time’. He’ll look at me like a wounded puppy but the pay off for quiet time is worth it. I mostly blame my need for quiet time on the kids rather then him. Plus I’m not like it all the time, just when I desperately need peace.

FedupwithCFs · 06/04/2020 08:18

You don’t sound very nice. Ever heard of compromising?

Eckhart · 06/04/2020 08:19

The normal, healthy amount of time for a couple to spend together is that which honours the wants and needs of both.

joydivisionovengloves71 · 06/04/2020 08:23

My DP said he'd seen a thing on TV that during this time it's really important to have even just an hour on your own each day. He asked would I mind if he did that, I almost pushed him up the stairs 🤣

SharonasCorona · 06/04/2020 08:26

@FedupwithCFs

You don’t sound very nice. Ever heard of compromising?

Ah because women should be available to men 24/7, shouldn't they? OP is already compromising.

I agree, try the DND sign on door first then lock, OP.

Does he value your work?

trulyconfuseddotcom · 06/04/2020 08:31

You don't sound cold and you sound perfectly reasonable. You've clearly asked for some time to yourself - he's not respecting that. You're spending time with him at other times and you should be allowed to have time 'off'. But this kind of thing often seems to happen when women try to set reasonable boundaries - we are expected and conditioned by society to be constantly nurturing and available - if you're not, it's wrong. I hope you guys manage to find a way to communicate that helps you both to feel heard and understood and allows you some time to yourself.

Eckhart · 06/04/2020 08:31

Ah because women should be available to men 24/7, shouldn't they

This is a standard relationship problem and is gender reversed for many couples. Why are you making it into a feminist issue?

ContessaferJones · 06/04/2020 08:34

I sympathise OP. Unfortunately not only do I feel the same as you, but I appear to be very bad at faking happiness/interest. At various times in my life I have tried to feign it as convincingly as possible, but it always leads to a query of 'You sound weird. Why are you being weird?' I then end up confessing how I actually feel (and I do try to be tactful). They then either get angry at me for a) lying or b) feeling the way I felt in the first place. It's a bit shit because neither of us gets what we want, which is a level of interaction both parties are happy with :(

springydaff · 06/04/2020 08:36

Eckhart - eh?? You know full well that Sharona refers to an accurate portrayal of women's historical/traditional role in marriage.

MaeDanvers · 06/04/2020 08:37

That would drive me mad. I think 1-1 for a couple of hours a day is plenty, especially when you live together! It sounds like the one who isn't compromising is your husband.

Brefugee · 06/04/2020 08:43

This is a standard relationship problem and is gender reversed for many couples. Why are you making it into a feminist issue?

so? This is OPs real problem now and all the suggestions that don't say "be clear with him" are berating her for being a meanie at not wanting constant interruptions when she is working.

My DH drives me batty on the days he doesn't leave the house before me. I've told him a billion times that in the morning i need time to get up to speed and that my routine is: radio on, coffee, breakfast and a look at the paper/internet. And when I've put my stuff in the dishwasher I'm ready for the day.

And yet on the days he leaves after me, within seconds of me sitting down to my breakfast he's there speaking about stuff that i don't care about at that precise moment and getting grumpy when i give monosyllabic replies.

When i WFH i have to be practically rude and too forceful to get it across that I am not to be disturbed. And the time until it all sinks in is very uncomfortable, and unnecessarily so, for both of us.

SimonJT · 06/04/2020 08:44

Are you secretly married to me?

I’m driving my boyfriend mad, he sets an alarm and when it goes off I have to leave him alone for at least half an hour

Subeccoo · 06/04/2020 08:44

Omg i get this entirely. I'm so so glad dh can still work, I'm off, dont know how we'd cope stuck together all day. We're both very quiet, and really value our alone time. Just weekends and after work is enough time together, even on holiday we have a day apart just to do our own thing.
If we ever split id never live with someone again, not that I think we ever would because our lives are lovely.
We spent 3 hours together yesterday, sitting reading in the garden, only speaking to grab another San Miguel from the fridge!

AmIAWeed · 06/04/2020 08:44

OP i'm with you on this one.
Stuff the baby boom I suspect lots of divorces.
My OH whittles - and as soon as you've reasoned with him for what feels like the hundreth fucking time he finds something new to worry about.
Then, the bit that really makes me loose my cool and wonder why I fucking bother is when 'so un so' has just said whatever I've been saying for the last week and suddenly because someone else says it, it must be true, but then hes telling it to me like I'm the one who doesn't understand.

And I swear if I hear one more word about the recession and how impossible its going to be for him to continue working yet my son whose just had his GCSEs cancelled will apparently find it a walk in the park. Give me fucking strength. Grown man, own business, able to continue working (in building alone) AND has enough money set aside to cover bills/wages for 4 months even without furlough and hes got it hard??

All this on top of waking me up in the middle of the night to repeat a conversation we had earlier that day. I am still working full time from home, keeping the kids sane, running the house and now apparently carer for a manchild.

I love him, but hes a fucking idiot

MasakaBuzz · 06/04/2020 08:45

When my friends marriage broke up they had had a holiday booked. I couldn’t let her go with three kids on her own. So I went as the second adult. The place had 2 bedrooms one for the parents and one for the kids. She offered to have all the kids in with her, but that didn’t seem fair to me. So I had the littlest one.

I live alone and am used to long periods on my own. I don’t function without regular periods of solitude. My friend knew that, so we agreed in advance that we would each have an hour off each day. It was enough for me, and gave her a break too. It meant the holiday worked.

The only sad bit about the holiday was when I taught the youngest to swim and supervised his first length. I thought his dad should have been the one to do that, and hence what a complete idiot he was.

I never feel apologetic about my need for solitude. It’s an integral part of who I am.

Techway · 06/04/2020 08:48

I don't think your dh is unreasonable just different to you. You want to be quiet, he wants some level of interaction. There has to be compromise.

Gottman talks about "bids" by each partner and each partner should feel comfortable making bids. I love alone time but equally I know I may need to compromise if my partner has different needs.

Nanny0gg · 06/04/2020 08:49

@:FedupwithCFs

You don’t sound very nice. Ever heard of compromising

Doesn't sound like he is.

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