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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH incredibly needy

97 replies

FortunesFave · 06/04/2020 02:15

He's lucky to be working 3 days a week. I work from home and having him here is killing me. He's always "after me'

Wants to hang out, talk etc.

I DO spend time with him but ultimately I'm a bit of a loner and an introvert...we've been together for 18 years FFS you'd think he'd worked this out by now.

He has mates...but they've got smaller kids than us so aren't always free (when we're not in a pandemic situation) and now we ARE in a pandemic, he's always looking for me!

He never wants to do the things I want to do....he wants to bloody talk for hours!

I know I am not the only one so sorry.....but had to vent a bit.

OP posts:

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 06/04/2020 11:20

I'm ok with my own company but I think this isolation must be awful for people who like lots of company, being in a group, being busy. My mum is like it. Ordinarily they are never at home. Late 70s /early 80s and are out all day, every day at the gym, exercise classes, walking groups and then for lunch as a group afterwards or to the theatre or bowling. About 30 of them go and they thrive on it.

Now, they're shut indoors, going for a walk or doing some gardening but just the two of them. I'm going all out to be understanding when she phones me for the umpteenth time that day to tell me some inconsequential thing. This is very hard for everyone.

Mittens030869 · 06/04/2020 11:22

That's harsh. And of a guy came and said this and added that his wife is needy he would be ripped to shreds.

Actually not really. OPs do come on here about their 'cold' DH and the replica are mixed. The OP gets told that she sounds as if she's 'needy'/'hard work' etc. You may get GFs telling her that she should be questioning whether her DH really is working and she should 'check his phone' as he might be chatting to another woman.

My DH and I both like our space, so we rub along all right. I certainly wouldn't disturb him when he's working and I have to make sure the DDs don't disturb him too much (when I'm not in bed with CV symptoms). The OP's DH's behaviour reminds me of my DDs when they refuse to stop talking to me. My DH would drive me mad if he did that too.

OTOH, this is a period of lockdown so it's temporary and I think a lot of couples are struggling with being under their feet the whole time. It will be easier when they're both able to go back to work again.

vanillandhoney · 06/04/2020 11:33

She said she only wants to be with him two hours a day, sometimes not at all - that's hardly some time to herself.

Isn't that normal though? I mean, if you're both at work all day, you don't normally spend 12+ hours with each other. You're out working, then you have meals to cook, housework to do etc. Spending 24/7 stuck inside with one other person is not a natural or healthy situation to be in.

I'm not surprised she wants space. I couldn't cope with someone who needed me to entertain them like that. If you crave social interaction, arrange to FaceTime a friend, play a video game and chat on there, talk on the phone. Go for a walk while we still can, go and exercise in the garden, find something to occupy yourself with.

Adults that can't entertain themselves for more than an hour or two without needing attention bemuse me!

OmgThereAreNoPlanesAboveMeNow · 06/04/2020 11:37

It's not about entertainment though. For most of us it's the actual contact. No one can possibly expect people to really spend 24/7 together, but couple of hours or none is the opposite extreme.
I would be hurt if my DH didn't want to spend time with me tbh. And I can entertain myself pretty well.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 06/04/2020 11:40

It's normal to talk to your oh for only two hours a day, or less? Is it? If you live together?

And yes, he could phone someone etc but maybe they're all at work or busy with family. This is a tough time for everyone. The normal distractions of life aren't there anymore. Guess it's why the divorce rate is set to rocket after this as couples discover that they aren't compatible.

HyacynthBucket · 06/04/2020 11:40

In a mature relationship, can you not just sit down and talk this through?
Acknowledge that you are different about needing time together/apart, and deliberately work out some compromise. It would mean you conceding some time 'slots' to him, and also drawing boundaries about the time you need alone, which he would need to agree to, and then keep to. Only then, if he doesn't, get furious. At the moment I think you may be expecting him to intuit what you want too much.

DontTellThemYourNamePike · 06/04/2020 11:43

I have a DP a bit like this. He gets very annoyed with me when I put my headphones on while making dinner or doing stuff about the house, because I can't hear him saying very important stuff like 'Maybe I should set this here' or 'I wonder why my programme didn't record' etc. He then says I'm obsessed with listening to my audio book, when in fact it helps me get through the mundane stuff in life and I just want to be left alone to listen, unless there's something urgent. He seems to want me to be permanently available to listen to his musings. We do talk about stuff - we talk a lot - so it's not as if I don't pay him any attention.

I also struggled when doing my OU degree, because he would just wander in and ask me questions about the dishwasher or mowing the lawn and then I would get cranky and it would look as if I was being obstructive in some way.

My internal monologue stays inside my skull. DP's is constantly vocalised. We just have very different ways of dealing with the information in our heads and unfortunately it's a regular cause of contention between us.

YANBU.

DollyDoneMore · 06/04/2020 11:44

I'm a bit of a loner and an introvert...we've been together for 18 years FFS you'd think he'd worked this out by now.

Well, if he hasn’t maybe you should explain it to him. He may well never have considered that your brain and personality work in a very different way to his.

If you just say “I need to be working on my own until 12” then he may feel that, if it was him, being left alone could well include someone popping in a couple of times to check in.

So say something much more direct: “I have noticed that you and I cope with the world very differently. Especially at the moment, I need to be completely undisturbed for a whole morning or afternoon. My mental health would really benefit from isolation at these times. It might sound strange to you because I know you get comfort from those little social moments, but they really disturb the solitude I need right now.”

vanillandhoney · 06/04/2020 11:44

It's normal to talk to your oh for only two hours a day, or less? Is it? If you live together?

Yes, perfectly normal to me.

DH is up for work at 6am. I often don't see him or speak to him until 7pm when both our working days are over. and we don't sit and text constantly all day either, why would we? We're both at work and don't need to communicate constantly.

By the time I get in at 7pm, we've both showered and sorted dinner, it's gone 8pm and we have a couple of hours together before he's off to bed.

The normal distractions of life aren't there anymore

But that doesn't mean that you can rely on person to entertain and distract you and provide you with companionship. That's a huge amount of pressure to put on another person.

LannieDuck · 06/04/2020 12:34

@BiddyPop How come when your DH goes for a walk, only one adult can go with the DC, but when you go for a walk apparently that rule stops applying?

BiddyPop · 06/04/2020 12:42

That’s what I thought!!

Apparently it was ok because no one else would be out in the rain (there were fewer but still a number of people we passed - all well apart).

They’ve both been warned that when it rains later in the week, I am going out alone. Not alone with DD. ALONE!!

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 06/04/2020 12:49

But that doesn't mean that you can rely on person to entertain and distract you and provide you with companionship. That's a huge amount of pressure to put on another person.

Well, yes it is but there aren't many alternatives are there?

How is it realistic to be living with someone 24/7 and to speak with them only for two hours a day or less, especially if the other person needs more interaction than that? Surely being in a marriage means compromise?

They need to talk and come.to a mutually agreeable decision. Can't see how it's fair that op dictates life will be only according to her terms.

vanillandhoney · 06/04/2020 13:20

Well, yes it is but there aren't many alternatives are there?

There are plenty of solutions. We're not stuck inside with no form of entertainment. We have the internet, we have TV, we have books, computers, video games. Most people have gardens. There's plenty people can be getting on with. Ring your parents, ring your friends, text, FaceTime, go on social media - there's so much to do that involves chatting to others and doesn't rely on your spouse all day long.

She's already compromising! She isn't flat out ignoring him for the sake of it. She's working three days a week at home and he thinks it's acceptable to come and interrupt her and tell her that he's putting the seeds in a different drawer! That's not being an extrovert and craving conversation, it's acting like a toddler who doesn't get enough attention.

So far today DH and I have probably spoken for about two hours and we've both been awake since 6am. He's currently upstairs having a nap and I'm downstairs watching TV and doing this. If he wanted to sit in the same room as me and talk constantly I honestly don't know what I'd do.

Dipi79 · 06/04/2020 13:24

Poor man. If it were him being like this towards you, shutting you out etc the anti-men MN brigade would be out in force. Have you any understanding of how this might feel from his perspective?

gingersausage · 06/04/2020 15:13

Why do all these “introverts” marry “extroverts” and then complain about them? If you guard your introverted-ness so closely, then why not check for compatibility before you make a commitment to someone?

vanillandhoney · 06/04/2020 16:03

Why do all these “introverts” marry “extroverts” and then complain about them?

Equally, why do all these "extroverts" marry "introverts" and then complain about them?

Surely it works both ways?

For the record I made sure I married a fellow introvert

VeganCow · 06/04/2020 18:02

I think a couple of hours is PLENTY. Some days, I'd be happy with none!
What do others think about that?

I agree, more than enough.

exexpat · 06/04/2020 19:30

Under normal circumstances, if an introvert marries an extrovert, one or both of them will probably be out at work for a large portion of the day, and they will also be able to spend time socialising with other people, so the different needs for company can be met. These are not normal times and it is not surprising the OP is finding it difficult.

I ended my last relationship because (well, one major factor among other reasons) I am more like her and exDP was more like her DH. With DCs (mine not his) reaching an age to leave home, that difference in needs became an issue. I think this may be a major factor in why so many couples split up when children leave home or on retirement.

OmgThereAreNoPlanesAboveMeNow · 06/04/2020 20:54

I just feel for him, because... Well I am him😂 I certainly consider changing seed location an important information to share.
I also spend time telling my husband about things like... Do you think there are birds scared of heights? What happens to them? Do they die? Get over it?
He is not a full on introvert, but he is ok just in silence and by himself. But he still spends time with me. And he seems to like it🙈 Who else could he discuss "What do you think was going through the mind of the first person to gather and make Kopi Luwak?🤔" And similar interesting things.

I think that in this totally unusual situation the 2 hours a day seems cruel tbh. So would 12 hours for the other party. Compromise must be reached

roarfeckingroar · 06/04/2020 22:30

He sounds exhausting YANBU

Cherrysoup · 06/04/2020 22:52

YANBU, OP. I’m wfh, my dh is going out to work. I know I’d find it hard going if he were home 24/7 and I got no time home alone, so I make an effort to give him some time alone to watch his programmes that I don’t want to watch. I am allowed an hour at the yard, so I’ll ensure I’m there for the hour.

It would drive me crazy if he interrupted me while I’m working and to be fair, he lets me get on. We’re lucky to have a study upstairs and he will entertain himself downstairs if I’m working. I’d go nuts if he interrupted me with trivialities like he’s moving the seeds. Dear Lord!

Alwaysoverthinkingit34 · 06/04/2020 23:16

I understand! My partner is off work for now and I’m working from home. I’m Doing full time hours through dealing with a 1 year old and and I end up making everyone lunch/dinner! I keep telling him to pull his weight but he thinks I’m joking ffs.

Anyway, he’s also very needy and wants to have a cuddle and for me to rub his back when ever I actually get a chance to sit down. Wtf, needy man child!

So yes I feel your pain!! It’s not natural to spend this amount of time with the same person no matter how much you love them lol

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