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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH incredibly needy

97 replies

FortunesFave · 06/04/2020 02:15

He's lucky to be working 3 days a week. I work from home and having him here is killing me. He's always "after me'

Wants to hang out, talk etc.

I DO spend time with him but ultimately I'm a bit of a loner and an introvert...we've been together for 18 years FFS you'd think he'd worked this out by now.

He has mates...but they've got smaller kids than us so aren't always free (when we're not in a pandemic situation) and now we ARE in a pandemic, he's always looking for me!

He never wants to do the things I want to do....he wants to bloody talk for hours!

I know I am not the only one so sorry.....but had to vent a bit.

OP posts:
VettiyaIruken · 06/04/2020 08:52

He's not lovely. Lovely people respect their partner's needs.
He expects you to be available to him 24/7 and he doesn't care if you have work that needs doing or if you just want a few minutes to yourself.

VettiyaIruken · 06/04/2020 08:54

@Nanny0gg right! The op literally describes how she compromises, how she spends time doing what he wants and gets basically well, you compromise some more!
While he hasn't compromised at all.

JohnFinlaysNewTeeth · 06/04/2020 08:55

I think a couple of hours is PLENTY. Some days, I'd be happy with none!
If you don’t want to spend time with him then divorce him. You’re saying you don’t want to spend hardly any time with someone you love? If you’re an introvert / enjoy alone time you would have realised this wasn’t a compatible relationship earlier on.

In the short term buy a lock for the office door and a sign.

Sally2791 · 06/04/2020 08:58

I think basically most men don’t listen, unless they have requested information. If you keep doing/expecting things which differ from what works for him, there will be conflict.

Eckhart · 06/04/2020 09:02

@springydaff OP's DH might be a feminist for all we know.

This relationship issue is due to a lack of respect of each other's needs, and it goes both ways.

It's not that the boy is getting one over on the girl. Neither is in a satisfactory situation meeting their needs.

PippaPegg · 06/04/2020 09:06

Not rtft.

Tell him the points in the day at which he is permitted to speak to you. That will help him not interrupt.

E.g. I'm working until 12 then we can have lunch together for an hour.
I'm working until 4 then we can have a tea break together for 10 mins.

Then at least he is going to know when you will be available. It might give you a chance to miss him too!

billy1966 · 06/04/2020 09:15

Not unreasonable at all.

Very needy people are not attractive.
In a relationship, I would find it suffocating.

I think it's rude to keep interrupting you, despite being asked not to.

Its the sort of thing that we had to train our children...and teens🙄not to do....we would be mid conversation and they would interrupt with an inane question about 'where was xx'. 🤚do not interrupt and not engaging at all got the message across.....eventually Grin

OP, if you engage despite asking for space you are sending mixed messages. Keep repeating "I'm in the middle of things, please give me space"..on a loop.

Consideration is something that lots of people need to be taught.

If all else fails, get a lock on your office door and explain why.

Oh, an you sound just lovely and warm OPWinkFlowers

Al1Langdownthecleghole · 06/04/2020 09:17

I think when we are stressed we cleave to our introversion/extroversion preference. At this most peculiar of times, it’s not surprising that extroverts need to extrovert and introverts want to hibernate.

I’m encouraging DH to FaceTime other people. Grin. It meets his needs and saves my sanity.

JackMummy12 · 06/04/2020 09:20

I can’t read all the comments.

I love my husband dearly, he is the loveliest person in the world but he’s the same, he wants to talk all the time and I just don’t want to 🤣

Original poster
FortunesFave · 06/04/2020 09:22

LangDown that's a good idea. I'll try that tonight.

OP posts:
vanillandhoney · 06/04/2020 09:34

You’re saying you don’t want to spend hardly any time with someone you love?

No, she's saying she wants some time to herself which is perfectly normal.

You don't need to spend 24-7 with someone to have a happy and loving marriage.

BlancheDuBlah · 06/04/2020 09:41

YANBU OP. That would be my worst nightmare in this current situation especially. I don't think it matters how long you're together, I like my own space and I want to wonder about the other person a little. Not have their every thought in my face at every given opportunity.

Massive turn-off.

N0tfinished · 06/04/2020 09:41

I have another one. Micromanaging and constant chat about topics I couldn't care less about. Big chats about issues that don't require any action, that sort of thing. He, I swear to God, sometimes stands in front of me & does little dances exactly like a toddler. Look at me Mummy!!!

I also get puppy dog eyes if I want to go to bed early & not sit in front of the Telly with him, while he compulsively flicks through the channels until I say 'For Gods sake would you pick something!'

You'd hardly believe that he's a lovely functional intelligent man... Maybe he's over on Dadsnet posting how his wife is cold and uninterested in talking about sports teams from the 90's!

BiddyPop · 06/04/2020 09:44

I am drained at home. Working FT, still doing the majority of housework and cooking (both DH and DD are doing some, but it still falls mostly to me), thinking and planning and organising shopping, etc.

So I have had very very little time to do nothing yet. DD has had time to watch tv on her bed every afternoon once school finished before we finished work. DH goes for a long walk at 6.30 every morning before I am awake.

They both interrupt me while I am trying to actually work (and it took me a few days to get started being properly productive again and my head around not being in the office...).

Yesterday, they went for a reasonable walk together while I did housework and cleaning. Apparently I couldn't go with them because only 1 adult can take out the DCs. Fine.

Except I decided I would go for a walk in the evening when it was due to be raining - and did. Intending to be alone, but ended up being all 3 of us and marching, rather than my intended quiet tramp enjoying the sounds of the rain and nature and getting a good dose of fresh air.

They've been warned that if it rains again, I am going for a walk and that I WILL BE GOING ALONE!!!

mogtheexcellent · 06/04/2020 09:50

Yep my DH is the same. its hard as we usually bob along so well and I love him dearly. But he constantly needs to be doing something or talking to someone. Can you give him a list of jobs to do?

I'm guessing yours doesn't wake you at 5am for chat though Hmm

LakieLady · 06/04/2020 09:52

YANBU, that would drive me mad. Possibly violently so.

Mind you, DP and I can sit in the same room, doing our own things, for hours without speaking beyond the occasional "Fancy a coffee?" or "Want some lunch?".

MarginalGain · 06/04/2020 09:55

Sorry OP but

And he'll STILL open the door and say something stupid like "I think I'll store the seeds in a different drawer now."

this did make me laugh. Grin. He does sound sweet.

I've coped with my diminished alone time by keeping very different sleeping hours from my husband - I go to bed/wake hours apart from him. Could you try this?

supersop60 · 06/04/2020 10:20

OP - is he doing this while you are working?
That alone is U.

Aus84 · 06/04/2020 10:40

My DH is like this. I was doing a timed Uni assessment online the other day. Set the time aside, gave him advance notice that it was an important test and I wasn't to be disturbed for one hour and he came in 3 times to ask me random, unimportant questions!!

pinkyredrose · 06/04/2020 10:46

Aw bless him sounds like a nice bloke Hmm why 'bless him'? He's not a fucking toddler. There's nothing 'nice' about someone not listening to you.

OmgThereAreNoPlanesAboveMeNow · 06/04/2020 10:57

I think a couple of hours is PLENTY. Some days, I'd be happy with none!

That's harsh. And of a guy came and said this and added that his wife is needy he would be ripped to shreds.

I don't understand why people marry someone they don't want to spend time with tbh.

UnfinishedSymphon · 06/04/2020 11:03

No-one is saying that @omg apart from in jest, they are saying they don't want to spend ALL the time together...I don't know a couple that would to be honest

MayFayner · 06/04/2020 11:10

DH is similar. He’s in the office in the garden right now, thankfully.

he’d want to talk about roof tiles and take me on a detour to look at roof tiles

😂 This reminds me of me when we were renovating the house an I was a SAHM. I used to try to get my friends to look at carpet samples when they came over. They were Confused

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 06/04/2020 11:15

No, she's saying she wants some time to herself which is perfectly normal.

She said she only wants to be with him two hours a day, sometimes not at all - that's hardly some time to herself.

ToriaPumpkin · 06/04/2020 11:18

I have one of these. I am a raging introvert and he is very extroverted and used to being listened to all day (a teacher). Thankfully I'm still working three days a week so I'm getting out of the house and sitring alone in my office and he's home with our children learning their curriculum and keeping them going.