DH on furlough, but won't help around the house!

[whyarepeoplesostupid]

I know IANBU, but it's probably my own fault for knowingly marrying a spoilt manchild with very old fashioned views....

He works part time and has just been furloughed, but he also does some self-employed work which he can keep doing. It started as a hobby but grew into a business which does make money, however, he can't make any more money while this situation is going on. He can do some maintenance and keep himself busy - not essential but he will be very happy doing that.

I on the other hand have 2 pre-teens at home, one with SEN who really needs support for all his schoolwork, and the other also needs a fair bit of help. Plus they need feeding at lunchtimes now, as will DH, and we need to buy more food, the house needs more cleaning, and so on. I work part time and will still do that from home, plus I need to do DH's business returns, VAT returns, and ongoing paperwork.

Today I said he would need to start doing his share around the house and he wasn't just having a lovely holiday - and he was very miffed and said 'well I don't know how to do shopping or housework or cleaning. I would manage if you were ill but otherwise it's not my job'. He then mentioned a couple of gardening jobs he's done lately - totalling maybe 10 hours! AIBU to explain I probably do 10 hours every day looking after the family? I am so mad I don't know where to start.....

but just has no clue how much work it takes to keep a house and family ticking over

Sorry OP but this absolute bullshit! Did anyone give you step by step instructions on how to do it? Highly unlikely, you just got on with it, you spoke to other people and maybe even read a book or two.

Anyone can look at a dirty or untidy room and think hmmmm I'll clean that. You can't tell me a grown adult man doesn't know what a hoover is for, or be able to operate it. Does he not understand how to wash dishes, can he not figure out that dirty clothes can be made clean again in the washing machine, or that if he's hungry his kids probably are. Doesn't he realise that you have to get food from supermarkets and you need to pay for them with the money his vip job provides.

Stop enabling him op, his 'job' is to be half of an adult relationship, which includes doing 'his bit' and being a parent to his dc.

Pathetic

I don't know how to do shopping or housework or cleaning. I would manage if you were ill but otherwise it's not my job

I'm usually a big fan of calm, quiet, assertive-yet-non-overtly critical approaches to issues, but if my DH came out with that I would lose my shit.

He's taking the piss. Claims he doesn't know how to perform the most basic tasks yet would miraculously learn if you were to be ill? Sorry OP, but he must think you're fucking stupid if he thinks you'll swallow that. It fucking is his job.

You have 3 children, not 2
He's clearly not prepared to contribute to your household life. What advice would you give your daughter if her husband was like this?

I dont know what the solution is though......
The solution is to stop enabling him. You keep talking about him 'helping' you as if it's your responsibility and he's an infant. He doesn't need to 'help' anyone, he needs to live as an adult.

If it makes things easier to instruct him then Draw up a list of household tasks and discuss them with him to get a fair division that you both agree on. He probably has no idea how much you do so seeing it in writing may help

Stop doing his paperwork, he can manage that. Stop cleaning up after him, just get really petty and purposely leave his laundry to one side. Also stop making lunch for him, he’s perfectly capable.

Such a selfish tool.

I would lose all respect for dh if he came out with that kind of shit.

He can’t do it because he doesn’t want to.

Well fuck that shit. If he wants to carry on in the relationship he better learn and fast.

That's not normal OP.

My dp can be a knob sometimes. Over this whilst he's not working he is doing washing, cleaning, dog stuff and cooking dinner each weekday. He's also putting decking down in the garden and painting the shed and fences ect. Your H is taking the piss.

When my children said ‘I don’t know how to’, my usual response was ‘All you need is practise ‘ So they grew up into reasonable adults who have the grace to recognise when they are being lazy arses and respond appropriately. We now have 4 adults in the house and share the load.
As a PP said Oh God, how many more of these threads?

DS has decided that hoovering is a man’s job as it involves lugging a hoover up and down stairs and lifting furniture. He’s right in that it’s easier for him than me. Same as cutting hedges that are 6’.
Make a rota and give everyone jobs appropriate to their abilities. No, you shouldn’t have to organise your adult partner, but then you are trying to change the bad habits of years.

I think a lot of women are finally seeing what tools they have married during this outbreak

This!

My DH is wfh as am I but he is holed up in his office whilst im combining everything. Im the higher earner and my job is more secure so the focus should be on my job, not his but as usual selfish DH is making sure he is no 1. I lost it and have now done up a detailed rota and given him his jobs. It is embarrasing that it has come to this but im not risking my job to make him feel important. He is following the rota. Maybe try that. Im not sure you have gone off your DH now. Ive gone off mine. I feel like sending him back to his mother. She is a big part of why he is like he is anyway.

As a PP said Oh God, how many more of these threads?

I hope people keep posting.

Im sorry but why are people suggesting that op becomes some kind of manager to an employee?
Lists and meetings at the dinner table to make sure he's done his jobs?

Fuck that.

If this 'man' is capable of holding down a job and running a business he's capable of running a house without a taskmaster.
My word from him to the contrary is bullshit. He's choosing not too because op has always done it.

It's nothing unusual or new. Man doesn't do it, woman picks up slack orbit doesn't get done. Men know this, men abuse this.
Don't allow it.

Stop doing his bloody paperwork!
He's taking the piss and you're letting him.

I really don't see the point showing him this thread. He doesn't care what you think or feel and he supposedly loves you. What makes you think he'll give even a tiny shit what women he doesn't even know think?

Fixing cars and roofs !!
How often dies that need doing?
We havent needed to fix our car or mend a roof in our entire marriage of 30 years!

Its cognitive dissonance OP, to state your DH is "great" when clearly he isnt, hes brainwashed you into thinking that.
Does anyone think you are "great" for all the meals, cleaning and CC ?

Doesn't know how!? Your fucking 40 loving GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER

"Don't know how to do shopping". Maybe get him one of those toy supermarket tills that you used to play with in nursery along with some fake money and the plastic fruit and veg then teach him.

This is one of my favourite ever MN comments

He needs to change his attitude

OP needs to change her attitude, too. Stop being such a fucking walkover.

Draw up a list of household chores and assign everyone to them (your pre-teens included) and point out that if they can help, he can.

My dh is working from home full time and he’s still helping with chores (much less than the rest of us because that seems fair but he is helping!).

If this 'man' is capable of holding down a job and running a business he's capable of running a house without a taskmaster.
Quite. If he wanted (or even if not wanted, but recognised it was his responsibility as much as OP's) to do it, he would. What a selfish twat.

He does work hard at 'man's stuff' normally

is there a list somewhere of man jobs and women jobs around the home? I rather suspect that i do more of the "man" stuff and my DH does more of the "not man" stuff. But without a definitive list I'll never know.

OP - gird up your loins, grow some ovaries and tell him to pull his finger out. And stop doing anything that relates to his business.

Thanks all, I will show him these comments and maybe he will see the light

Don't be ridicolous, seeing what a few random strangers on the internet say about him won't change anything.

DP is furloughed too and also great at “the mans stuff” but no clue with paperwork (dyslexic so terrifies him). In fact he’s knocked up a hall tree and a coffee table for us since he’s been off. He’s also been to the shops several times and washed the dishes more than I have.

Your husband is a lazy arsehole who is claiming to be ignorant about not knowing how to do things, when in fact the reason he doesn’t do them is because he thinks it is beneath him and “Wife work”. I’d be telling him to buck his ideas up or the relationship will be heading in a different direction.

So he’s on his holidays whilst you foster an adult child.
Fuck that shit.
Stop the paper work
Draw up a list of what needs doing. Tell you are doing it together. I get you, I know this shit trick and it took a lot of agg to alter but it did.
Change has to start with you, you won’t be popular and he will probably be a misery guts but why the shit should you do it all.
Change starts with you