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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH on furlough, but won't help around the house!

107 replies

whyarepeoplesostupid · 05/04/2020 21:00

I know IANBU, but it's probably my own fault for knowingly marrying a spoilt manchild with very old fashioned views....

He works part time and has just been furloughed, but he also does some self-employed work which he can keep doing. It started as a hobby but grew into a business which does make money, however, he can't make any more money while this situation is going on. He can do some maintenance and keep himself busy - not essential but he will be very happy doing that.

I on the other hand have 2 pre-teens at home, one with SEN who really needs support for all his schoolwork, and the other also needs a fair bit of help. Plus they need feeding at lunchtimes now, as will DH, and we need to buy more food, the house needs more cleaning, and so on. I work part time and will still do that from home, plus I need to do DH's business returns, VAT returns, and ongoing paperwork.

Today I said he would need to start doing his share around the house and he wasn't just having a lovely holiday - and he was very miffed and said 'well I don't know how to do shopping or housework or cleaning. I would manage if you were ill but otherwise it's not my job'. He then mentioned a couple of gardening jobs he's done lately - totalling maybe 10 hours! AIBU to explain I probably do 10 hours every day looking after the family? I am so mad I don't know where to start.....Angry

OP posts:
Crabbo · 05/04/2020 23:31

Why have you been doing it all this time even before he was put on furlough? You both work part time and you both work on his business, yet you then do 100% of the house stuff on top? He’s a complete twat.

CharlotteUnaNatalieThompson · 05/04/2020 23:34

No. No no no no no.

I need to do DH's business returns, VAT returns, and ongoing paperwork

If you do this, when he treats you with such little respect, and tells you that everything at home is your JOB then you have no self respect at all. Seriously, what would you say to someone else who posted this? Marriage is a partnership, it's teamwork. Previously it might have been reasonable for you to do his paperwork and all the housework if he worked long hours out of the home. He's not now though, so he pulls his fucking finger out and does his share.

If I was in your shoes I'd shove his fucking paperwork so far up his arse he'd taste it Angry

DeeCeeCherry · 05/04/2020 23:40

I need to do DH's business returns, VAT returns, and ongoing paperwork

Why? Im self-employed and do my own I'm not a child.

Your H is lazy and spoilt. Why didn't you say to him ok then but I'm busier now so won't be doing your paperwork anymore? People walk all over you if you let them.

I don't know how anyone can find useless men attractive at all, but anyway he's hardly likely to listen to anything you say as he doesn't respect you so, best thing is stop doing his paperwork at least

Sh05 · 05/04/2020 23:40

Shopping, running the hoover, turning on a wash none of these are rocket science. Tell him to stop being rediculous and get on with it. I can't believe a grown man would not feel embarrassed to say he doesn't know how to shop
And don't do his paperwork for him,he has time now to do those himself

bringincrazyback · 05/04/2020 23:42

I could never be with anyone who deemed the domestic stuff 'my job'.

You need to stop letting him take the piss OP for your own sake, although after the 'not my job' comment I'd personally be struggling to come up with reasons to stay with this sexist idiot.

Purpletigers · 05/04/2020 23:42

He does his own paperwork from now on .
Write a list of things to do and approximate timings . Split the list fairly in terms of time taken eg if you have to work from home for 4 hours in the morning ,he can spend those 4 hours either doing housework, shopping or helping the children?
You both have the same amount of downtime .

Original poster
whyarepeoplesostupid · 05/04/2020 23:45

When we got together we bought a tumbledown house needing years of work, which he and a friend were great at, so I did do the feeding and housework etc. He worked incredibly hard. But then he took on this part time self employed hobby, and I gave up full time work and had the DCs, so things have sort of drifted. He does work hard at 'man's stuff' normally, but now with 3 days free a week I do think he should help with home stuff! Thanks all, I will show him these comments and maybe he will see the light.....

OP posts:
Malvinaa81 · 05/04/2020 23:47

Well you married him!

HarrietThePi · 05/04/2020 23:50

This is what I would do. Stop doing his paperwork, I don't know why you would be doing it anyway Just stop. Stop cooking for him, don't do any of his laundry. Don't clean up his mess. Just leave it. Clean up your stuff - and I'm guessing your kids don't do much but they should be cleaning up after themselves too, at least the one without Sen. Just don't do anything for your husband. If he doesn't start doing it for himself and you can't deal with the clutter, then do the very minimum you need to (leave his clothes, he will need clean ones eventually). Leave him when this is over if he hasn't got his act together.

Original poster
whyarepeoplesostupid · 05/04/2020 23:50

And to be fair he's not useless, he's practical rather than good at paperwork so he can mend our cars, fix the roof etc but isnt good at office stuff. Hence he can't do VAT returns, but can blinking well do some housework I reckon....!

OP posts:
HarrietThePi · 05/04/2020 23:51

How would he cope if he was single. You're not his carer.

HarrietThePi · 05/04/2020 23:52

If he was practical, he could work out how to run a hoover round and turn a washing machine on.

Cuppaand2biscuits · 05/04/2020 23:55

I'm here to say Snap! Exactly the same situation here. Except I am still going out to work as a key worker 3 days a week. But not in a demanding nhs role.
He has made himself lunch but only because I don't bother. I'm still doing everything else, washing, shopping, cleaning, emptying the dishwasher, home schooling the kids, entertaining the kids.

CatBatCat · 05/04/2020 23:56

I'd be kicking him out, lockdown or not. If he wants to live in a clean house with food on the table he needs to pull his finger out.

soannya · 05/04/2020 23:58

Wow. Just wow. Don’t do any of his business stuff. He’ll have to do what the rest of us do and work it out for himself. You don’t make his lunch or do his washing. If he wants to eat, he goes buy his own groceries. I would not be putting up with that crap!

Original poster
whyarepeoplesostupid · 06/04/2020 00:05

That's why I'm so cross! When we met we both worked full time, I gave up my career to have the DCs and took a much lower paid flexible job afterwards so I could be a SAHM. DH went part time later to spend time on his self employed business. But he cant earn more money on that business while he's furloughed so he's just playing really....

OP posts:
springydaff · 06/04/2020 00:09

He's taking the piss!

Original poster
whyarepeoplesostupid · 06/04/2020 00:13

Oh @cuppaand2biscuits I'm sorry you're in the same boat, but glad it's not just me if that doesn't sound too awful! DH is great at loads of stuff but just has no clue how much work it takes to keep a house and family ticking over. I dont know what the solution is though...... (p.s. we have a large patio in need of renovation....Grin)

OP posts:
TheCatBar · 06/04/2020 00:18

Fuck me, he'd be consigned to the shed!

happywifi99 · 06/04/2020 00:23

Jesus. I have no words - I am disgusted

Weenurse · 06/04/2020 00:55

A sit down with a big piece of paper and all chores listed inside and outside.
Allocate chores to everyone, including DC.
Make sure everyone agrees and that it is fair.
Pin chart in prominent position and refer to it regularly.
At dinner each evening check that everyone has done their bit.
Push back if the try to default everything back to you.
I used to get ‘ I am going out tonight, so I can’t cook”
I would reply with, “well who have you swapped with?”
Good luck.
There is always the patio rebuild if all else fails

TheHonestTruth100 · 06/04/2020 01:08

Oh dear. Good luck with that one OP.

timeisnotaline · 06/04/2020 01:14

He’s practical.... any idiot can look up a recipe, write down ingredients, think what else is needed for breakfast lunch drinks and snacks , go to the shop and find those things or suitable substitutes on the shelves. If he can’t do that or a load of laundry he’s about as practical as my toenail clippings.

Agree completely you stop doing anything for his business or for him, get a migraine and fuck off to bed for a day. Tell him you cannot see any possible way the children could not be his children too but if he feels so strongly they aren’t his he should tell them.

MontysOarlock · 06/04/2020 06:52

I think your mindset needs to change

He does work hard at 'man's stuff' normally what is that exactly? This is what my Mum was taught at school in the 1950s. That's 70 years ago. Dh and I have plumbed in bathrooms, at no point did my vagina prevent me from tiling.

I am a SAHM, I emptied bins, mowed the lawn plus all the other household domestic stuff because I had time. He now has time. There are a million videos on YouTube showing you how to do something, even hotels have hotel room cleaning instructions. Maybe he can find one of them.

Did he move from his parents house straight to a house with you? Otherwise how can he not have done these things for himself?

fantasmasgoria1 · 06/04/2020 07:02

He needs to change his attitude. As someone else said do absolutely nothing for him.