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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH on furlough, but won't help around the house!

107 replies

whyarepeoplesostupid · 05/04/2020 21:00

I know IANBU, but it's probably my own fault for knowingly marrying a spoilt manchild with very old fashioned views....

He works part time and has just been furloughed, but he also does some self-employed work which he can keep doing. It started as a hobby but grew into a business which does make money, however, he can't make any more money while this situation is going on. He can do some maintenance and keep himself busy - not essential but he will be very happy doing that.

I on the other hand have 2 pre-teens at home, one with SEN who really needs support for all his schoolwork, and the other also needs a fair bit of help. Plus they need feeding at lunchtimes now, as will DH, and we need to buy more food, the house needs more cleaning, and so on. I work part time and will still do that from home, plus I need to do DH's business returns, VAT returns, and ongoing paperwork.

Today I said he would need to start doing his share around the house and he wasn't just having a lovely holiday - and he was very miffed and said 'well I don't know how to do shopping or housework or cleaning. I would manage if you were ill but otherwise it's not my job'. He then mentioned a couple of gardening jobs he's done lately - totalling maybe 10 hours! AIBU to explain I probably do 10 hours every day looking after the family? I am so mad I don't know where to start.....

OP posts:

MonkeyToesOfDoom · 05/04/2020 21:42

I wouldn't do any games or dancing around this subject.
I would tell him straight, pull his shit together or get the fuck out. He won't change whilst you're doing it all, he has no reason too. For as long as he has no reason to change he won't, he may pretend too, but he will revert back.

madcatladyforever · 05/04/2020 21:46

He'd better thank his God he isn't my husband.

Cherrysoup · 05/04/2020 21:49

He doesn’t know how to go shopping/do housework? I’d have laughed in his face. Twat. Hand him the laptop and ask him to do the schoolwork with HIS children or the cleaning products/meal ingredients and tell him to learn.

PinkiOcelot · 05/04/2020 21:50

Wow. Just wow!

AgentJohnson · 05/04/2020 21:50

WTAF!

plus I need to do DH's business returns, VAT returns, and ongoing paperwork.

This is your leverage, use it! For Gods sake stop enabling this man baby.

Patch23042 · 05/04/2020 21:54

What will you actually do if he refuses to do his share? You need to think of the impact his disrespectful behaviour is having on your children, of the poor example he and you are setting.

AnPo · 05/04/2020 21:54

Ah come onnnnnnn OP.....

Up until this point he's NEVER done shopping or cleaning or cooking???

He's a waste of space for that comment alone but you have been a fool to allow this carry on.

BigChocFrenzy · 05/04/2020 21:56

"plus I need to do DH's business returns, VAT returns, and ongoing paperwork."

Explain to him that those jobs won't get done until he finishes the cleaning and the cooking

TooLittleTooLate80 · 05/04/2020 21:57

"Don't know how to do shopping".

Maybe get him one of those toy supermarket tills that you used to play with in nursery along with some fake money and the plastic fruit and veg then teach him.

SteamingTheDoorKnobs · 05/04/2020 22:00

We teach people how to treat us.

AuditAngel · 05/04/2020 22:05

We are in a similar situation. DH furloughed, 3 kids at home (but no SEN) and I’m wfh.

DH seems to think he’s on holiday. Last week he made himself lunch and didn’t ask me, or feed the kids. When I went to make the kids food he said he would do it, and did. He’s so used to only doing himself that he didn’t think.

Push back and make him do his share.

user1511042793 · 05/04/2020 22:07

Don’t do his paperwork then.

Slowslowlavaflow · 05/04/2020 22:08

Hahahahaha! Really?! I am laughing because this is ridiculous. He better start knowing how to do the shopping, housework, and cleaning. You are not his slave. Does he PAY you to do these things for it to become YOUR job?! What a sexist fool. Tell him to get off his arse and do his share.

JKScot4 · 05/04/2020 22:09

This adult man has never cleaned or went to a shop? Did you inherit him from his mummy?

EKGEMS · 05/04/2020 22:10

I'd be practicing my 999 call and drafting his "suicide note"

WifflyWaffle · 05/04/2020 22:10

The only way to teach him that you’re not his personal maid is to stop doing it. I’ve just lost it with my husband as he never lifts a finger to do any housework and now he’s WFH has started demanding lunch be prepared and getting annoyed when we run low on things. I told him if he ever spoke to me like his servant again I’d be going on strike.

Bishybarnybee · 05/04/2020 22:33

i think a lot of women are finally seeing what tools they have married during this outbreak

It's not this though, is it. For some reason you chose to marry someone who did not do these things for himself when you met him, then you chose to do them for him, then you carried on doing them all when you had kids. This would have been knobbish behaviour when I met my husband 30 years ago. I don't understand how women are still getting into this kind of one sided deal. I think it often goes a bit south when you have kids if one of you gives up work or goes part time, then you have to renegotiate when you are both working the same hours, but at the point where you don't have kids you are a mug if you don't establish fair shares.

hearditfromaunicorn · 05/04/2020 22:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hearditfromaunicorn · 05/04/2020 22:48

Sorry wrong thread I've reported myself

MsTSwift · 05/04/2020 22:50

Christ BiL is a senior consultant on the frontline managing covid wards and does full on childcare and housework when not at work as DSis is wfh. How pathetic is your specimen.

Purpleartichoke · 05/04/2020 22:57

Does that mean he doesn’t normally do any shopping or cleaning? How is that possible?

He should just be pitching in without prompting, but to get him started I would make a list of chores. If he doesn’t agree to do them without complaining, I would stop doing anything for him. Don’t cook him food. Don’t wash his clothes. Definitely don’t help with.his paperwork.

ConcentricCircles · 05/04/2020 23:00

Don't explain. Write two lists of jobs that need to be done. One for you and one for him, and TELL him to make sure he does his. Otherwise he does his own shopping, cooking, laundry, paperwork etc, etc, etc.

inwood · 05/04/2020 23:16

What a pathetic excuse for a father. Don't write him lists or anything else just stop enabling him.

C8H10N4O2 · 05/04/2020 23:23

well I don't know how to do shopping or housework or cleaning. I would manage if you were ill but otherwise it's not my job

If he can manage if you are ill he can manage. How does he propose to look after your children if, gods forbid, anything happened to you? Is he planning to put up a placard saying "useless fecker here, two kids to feed" and hope some woman is foolish enough to take him on?

Stop doing his books and giving him excuses. If he wants to eat he can start shopping and cooking. If he wants clean clothes, he'd better find the washing machine. If he wants to be a father he needs to do some parenting. If he doesn't want to be a real father and husband what is he there for?

SistineScreamer · 05/04/2020 23:28

Why DID you marry someone who'd happily see you chained in the kitchen?

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