Grandaughter very clingy to her mum

[Lockdownhair]

My 3 year old grandaughter is very clingy to her mum. So much so that she won't let my son do anything for her if she's around. I get that favourtism is normal at this age. She goes to nursery & cries in a heartbroken way at drop off. She is the same when she's dropped off here. After about 10 mins with some distraction she is fine & plays happily all day here & at nursery with her friends. It's not the places she has a problem with but it's the moment of seperation that is the problem. She has always been the same since she was born. I would expect her to cope with drop off after 3 years! I'm worried that she won't grow out of it in time for school, that she'll be the cry baby at the school gate who could get teased for it. Does anyone have any advice please?

Your GD isn't heartbroken, it's usually just an anxious moment that passes.

Totally normal

All mine were clingy to me over my husband.
3 is still very little.
They grow out of it.
Lots of school age kids cry at the start of the year -some all the way through.
In my opinion with most of these type of behaviours or phases -the less fuss made the better.
I feel for you as a grandmother see her so distraught but as you say she does get over it and will eventually grow out of it.

I'm an ex primary teacher. It's totally normal. All toddlers go through a clingy stage in my experience. Many find any separation from their parent & drop off at nursery hard. No-one would tease them for it & teachers are used to it & have strategies to ease it, like coming in before everyone else when its calm & not so overwhelming. In the nicest possible way i think your expectations are too high and/or its a while since you've spent long periods of time with that age group. Also, psychologically, all the child development studies show calmly reassuring a clingy child builds their confidence, where as dismissing their insecurities & denying comfort, compounds them.

Sounds normal to me. She is only 3.

DD1 wasn’t remotely fussed when she went off to school at 5 but DD2 sobbed for 12 weeks every morning when she started school because she wanted to be with me. Every child is different.

It can be normal if your GD just started nursery but if she started years ago and still cries everytime she’s dropped off I would try to find out why.

@FaFoutis It isn't that children in the past were more robust, we are all human with the same instincts. We knew our parents would call us things like 'crybaby' so we internalised our anxieties and now we are all fucked up and letting it out on MN.

Spot on. Being told all my childhood that I was worthless, unlovable, unwanted etc, and NOT being a "crybaby" during that period certainly did not mean I was robust, it meant that I had a disconnect from my mother that affected my childhood, and now my adulthood quite profoundly.

So much so, @izzywizzygood that I haven't spoken to her since I left home over 30yrs ago.

So I think you would do well not to generalize so much.

Perfectly normal and shows good attachment to your DIL so she is doing a great job! Have they expressed concern and asked for your advice? If not, sorry but I don’t think it’s really any of your business...

There were always some children clinging and tearful at the door when my dc attended Reception. As far as I know nobody ever teased them for it. Kids aren't always as nasty as you'd think.

All my kids were Mummy’s kids. DS2 and DD were fine though going into school at reception. DS1 however pretty much had to be grabbed by the teacher and held back screaming for the first 3 weeks or so. The other mums would look at me pityingly but I was used to it. Every single morning for nursery he was the same! (But he loved his time at nursery and school and was quite happy it was just the initial separation). DS2 would skip off without even giving a backward glance!

I'm worried that she won't grow out of it in time for school, that she'll be the cry baby at the school gate who could get teased for it

Lots of children cry for their parent(s) on starting school. They never seem to be teased for it though. Certainly not at that age ime. Every year we have 2 or 3 who cry at drop off in reception. Some still do it at this stage of the year. The other children don't even acknowledge tbh.

Oh and it happened in the past too. MIL says that my BIL cried every day for the first term on drop off. He is in his 40s. He wasn't the only one. This is nothing new.

I can be pretty sure if you're concerned about this then your DIL is likely exhausted and equally stressed about how upset her dd can be and the fact that she doesn't get a minute to herself. But it is only a phase and she'll be fine. She's only 3 and is still learning socially and security.

Normal

Cry baby is a horrible phrase. My youngest was exactly like this despite going to nursery/grandparents from the age of 9 months so I could work. My oldest was nothing like it. It was just my youngest daughters personality. She has a great relationship with her father now. Youngest in the year out of 90 at school and managed just fine. She’s much more confident at 9 but still loves her mum.

@CSIblonde yes, you are right, it's been many years since my children were that age, & the older you get (nearly 60) the harder it becomes to imagine your own children at that age. I'll be the first to admit that I'm out of touch with toddler life & school life, feels like we're having to relearn some parts of it!

She'll probably seem a tiny bit older when we next get to see her again due to what is going on now. House is strangely quiet & toy free at the weekends now, but at least they're all still well ☺

@YeahWhatevver that's the wholepoint of coming on here, to ask a question if your worried about someone you love very much, without actually interfering in real life! It's been many years since my children were little, you forget what it's like. Most grandparents have worries about their grandchildren because they love them to the moon & back but also understand boundaries. It doesn't mean they are necessarily going to interfere in real life! But thank you for your constructive advice #bekind

FaFoutis It isn't that children in the past were more robust, we are all human with the same instincts. We knew our parents would call us things like 'crybaby' so we internalised our anxieties and now we are all fucked up and letting it out on MN.

Differentnameforthis Spot on. Being told all my childhood that I was worthless, unlovable, unwanted etc, and NOT being a "crybaby" during that period certainly did not mean I was robust, it meant that I had a disconnect from my mother that affected my childhood, and now my adulthood quite profoundly.

I totally agree. My DM used to constantly tell me that I cried too much and was young for my age. As a result, I was unable to tell her about the SA that my DSis and were going through at the hands of my F. Why would I think that she would take me seriously, when she used to accuse me of 'grizzling' (I hate it when she accuses my DDs of that now) or 'crying for nothing'?

Your own children condition you to what you find "normal". Mine are very attached to me - do better having a single caregiver so weren't suited to nursery, but have loved their childminder. Due to this I always find it a bit odd when young children aren't upset being left by their mum. Especially if it's with strangers - I've never understood how (according to their parents) some babies apparently aren't bothered by being left with total strangers in strange place in holiday creches etc. Mine would have found this little short of traumatic, it would have resulted in anxious unhappy kids, poor sleep & a ruined holiday!

Totally normal and in fact healthy for a small child to have a strong attachment to her mother. It shows your dil has done a fantastic job and by allowing your granddaughter to be dependent on her she will have the confidence to be independent sooner.