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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Grandaughter very clingy to her mum

120 replies

Lockdownhair · 05/04/2020 10:03

My 3 year old grandaughter is very clingy to her mum. So much so that she won't let my son do anything for her if she's around. I get that favourtism is normal at this age. She goes to nursery & cries in a heartbroken way at drop off. She is the same when she's dropped off here. After about 10 mins with some distraction she is fine & plays happily all day here & at nursery with her friends. It's not the places she has a problem with but it's the moment of seperation that is the problem. She has always been the same since she was born. I would expect her to cope with drop off after 3 years! I'm worried that she won't grow out of it in time for school, that she'll be the cry baby at the school gate who could get teased for it. Does anyone have any advice please?

OP posts:

HeyMac · 05/04/2020 10:16

I've got a confident child who is really friendly to adults but cries at drop offs and climbs my legs. Does it much less with her Dad. It's absolutely normal. Makes sense that a 3 year old would want to stay with their Mum, it's a survival instinct.

IndecentFeminist · 05/04/2020 10:16

She's 3. Crying at drop off is entirely normal.

MylittleLovebug · 05/04/2020 10:17

Totally normal. My ds was like this when going to cm most mornings, he loved it there but was always upset when I dropped him. He cried the first week of school but apart from that was totally fine. Stop worrying about it

theschoolonthehill · 05/04/2020 10:17

I think your worries about being teased at school are odd. Perhaps a generational way of thinking. Please leave this to her parents. My DC is in their third year of school. Every morning one child cries. I asked my DC if the teacher ever said anything and if the child is ok once her mum leaves. My DC replied that the other children don’t look at her while she cries in case they upset her more and sometimes they ask her after a little while if she is ok. Children are kind to one another and encouraged to be that way by schools nowadays.

olivo · 05/04/2020 10:18

My Dd was never like that at the full time nursery she attended from 10mo but the first few weeks of a school drop offs were hideous! However, school worked with her and us and she was never teased. I would say it is totally normal at some point in their lives.

Notonthestairs · 05/04/2020 10:19

Normal behaviour - and given that she's happy after a few minutes I don't really understand what the problem is.

MolotovMocktail · 05/04/2020 10:22

Completely normal. You sound quite interfering tbh.

ThatsBullshirt · 05/04/2020 10:24

My 3yo is very clingy to me and definitely has separation anxiety when it comes to me (we both do). We are starting him in nursery in August (hopefully!) to try and make the transition to school easier but I totally expect a lot of tears and begging for me. He doesn't particularly like going out with just his dad as he always wants me to come but he absolutely adores him. I am a sahm and I swear he must ask about when his dad is coming home from work about 20 times a day. Whilst my husband is WFH upstairs for the time being, he'll still ask when daddy is coming down to play!

It's totally normal at this age for him to not want to be away from me. As his primary caregiver I am his safe space where he knows he's loved and fully cared for. Obviously he also gets this from his dad but I am a 24/7 constant. lots of 3yos suffer with separation anxiety and play favourites. It's a phase that will pass.

LouHotel · 05/04/2020 10:26

Totally normal, I would say taking only 10 mind to adjust is actually bang on.

My middle girl took a good hour at nursery to adjust just after she turned 3. 9 months on and I don't even get a goodbye anymore.

namechanger2019 · 05/04/2020 10:27

Does your dil think this is a problem? Has she asked for your advice or help? If no, you should really mind your own business. I am sure your son and dil have it under control.

phoenixrosehere · 05/04/2020 10:28

Yabu as is your expectations of what a three year old child that is not yours should be doing.

As another poster said if she was clinging to your son or you, you likely wouldn’t be complaining. My oldest was like this with me even with nursery but grew out of it funny enough once we moved to a new area. My youngest is currently like this where he will only come to me if I’m around especially if he’s hurt. He cried for about six months every time I dropped him off at nursery while he would just run off and play the first few times that my husband would take him. It was only a few weeks of him stopping and even saying bye to me before nurseries/schools were shut so who knows how he is going to be once they open again.

It is completely normal and many children grow out of it.

FaFoutis · 05/04/2020 10:29

They don't get teased at school for this, quite the opposite. I think my daughter used to cry at drop-off just to get attention from the other, very kind, children.

Wehttam · 05/04/2020 10:32

I see what you tried to do there Bienen with your first snarky comment.

Some people love an opportunity to turn it against the MIL don’t they, probably because their own MIL can see straight through them.

Herpesfreesince03 · 05/04/2020 10:33

She’s 3 years old. In my experience the majority of children will go through this within the first couple year of school at some point. She’s not going to get teased for it

Fluffybutter · 05/04/2020 10:33

Turn into a cry baby? That’s a horrible thing to say.
They have a close bond, it’s normal .
My dd is 8 and still goes through phases like this , so do her friends , especially when there is a lot of change or something is worrying them.
Don’t be so mean

InTheSummerhouse · 05/04/2020 10:35

OP is NOT attacking her DiL or being critical. She is asking for reassurance about her grandchild. She is also not interfering. She is asking on a forum.

Some posters love to bitch about a MiL forgetting that every mother in law is also a mother and most mothers will likely be a grandmother or MiL themsleves.

InTheSummerhouse · 05/04/2020 10:36

And I am not a MiL as kids too young still

BookWitch · 05/04/2020 10:38

Totally normal

My dd3 (as in third child, and def not a PFB) was a very clingy child. I spent most of the time between her being 12 months to 4 years with her actually attached to my leg. Everyone called her the Clingon.
Went to school perfectly happy at 4.5 years. Now 18 and not at all needy.

Quarantimespringclean · 05/04/2020 10:38

It’s normal. Both my D.C. were like that. It passes.

DarkDarkNight · 05/04/2020 10:40

She is only 3 years old. She is still so little. To expect her to be ok with drop offs at 3 is a bit much.

My Son is very outgoing, very much an extrovert but struggled with drop offs at that age. It’s completely normal and a sign of a secure attachment surely?

You seem more put out that it’s your DIL she’s clinging to. It’s not your DIL’s fault. It’s a long way off your Granddaughter starting school, and I doubt she will be called a cry baby by anyone. My Son is Y1 and there are still some Children who get a bit upset at drop off, the other kids are too busy amongst themselves to notice.

Original poster

Lockdownhair · 05/04/2020 10:40

Thank you all for your comments, I feel a lot more reassured now. Just for the record, for those replies who have been less than kind:

I do not have a problem with my daughter in law, or the fact she is favoured when she is around. I get on very well with her, do not interfere & respect her boundaries. My grandaughter loves my son very much & I get that favourtism is normal
My own children, who I'm very close to were not clingy. I love my grandaughter very much so I think it is understandable that would be upset at her being so heartbroken, as I never went through this with my own.
You read so much in the media about cruel children & bullying it's easy to be worried about it. Yes, i am out of touch with how schools deal with it these days, this is why I asked for advice.

I have never broached the subject with my son & daughter in law, she's not my child. She does love nursery & being at both sets of grandparents houses. To those who have waspily replied - it's surely normal to care & secretly worry for your own grandchildren if you love them? At no point did I express any grudge against by dil. Nor did I ever say that I'd interfered about this; but just cos we're only the grandparents it doesn't mean to say we're not allowed to worry about our beloved grandchildren. This is why I asked the question on here , for an anonymous kind bit of reassurance without projecting my worries onto them. Whatever happened to #bekind from a couple of months back 😕

OP posts:

Thewheelsarefallingoff · 05/04/2020 10:41

Yes completely normal. My youngest (age 6.5) is still sometimes like this. If your DS is at home with his DD at the moment, he has an opportunity to bond a bit more; preparing food for/with his DD, watching a film or reading together. What tends to have an adverse effect is saying, "why do you always go to mummy" - that comes across as hostile and is not likely to make a small child feel safe.

AnnaMagnani · 05/04/2020 10:46

She's 3. It's normal. I used to cry like the world was ending when I was dropped off at nursery and my DM was racked with guilt.

Until I innocently told her 'Do you know Mummy, nursery is open when I'm not there?'

She just dropped and ran after that, little wind up merchant that I was.

FaFoutis · 05/04/2020 10:46

People don't just read your post, they read between the lines. You have to word your posts very carefully to plug the gaps (eg. 'her lovely mum' or similar, not 'her mum') or you get replies based on assumptions.

Original poster

Lockdownhair · 05/04/2020 10:46

And I forgot to add, if she was clingy to my son & not dil, i would still be upset about it. I mentioned the clinging to her to give a full picture. It's not a competition as to who she loves the most out of her mum & dad for god's sake.

OP posts:

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