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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Grandaughter very clingy to her mum

120 replies

Lockdownhair · 05/04/2020 10:03

My 3 year old grandaughter is very clingy to her mum. So much so that she won't let my son do anything for her if she's around. I get that favourtism is normal at this age. She goes to nursery & cries in a heartbroken way at drop off. She is the same when she's dropped off here. After about 10 mins with some distraction she is fine & plays happily all day here & at nursery with her friends. It's not the places she has a problem with but it's the moment of seperation that is the problem. She has always been the same since she was born. I would expect her to cope with drop off after 3 years! I'm worried that she won't grow out of it in time for school, that she'll be the cry baby at the school gate who could get teased for it. Does anyone have any advice please?

OP posts:

BabbleBee · 05/04/2020 11:42

Normal. My DD age 3 was like a leech to me. She’s a very independent 16 year old now.

AnneOfTeenFables · 05/04/2020 11:43

Well, your OP specifically mentioned that she favoured her mum and didn't do as much with your DS. Then you raised the separation anxiety. And said you thought she'd have 'grown out of it' by age 3
People weren't reading between the lines. They were reading what you had written which drew a link between your DGG 'clinging' to her mum, not favouring your son, separation anxiety and your toddler DGG acting what you perceive as inappropriately for her age.
If you had said, DGG cries when she's dropped off here and none of my DCs had separation anxiety so I don't know how best to support her, the replies would have been different - because the question would obviously have come from a place of love and support.

MamaGee09 · 05/04/2020 11:44

Perfectly normal behaviour.

Littlepond · 05/04/2020 11:46

My son cried every morning from pre school until year 2. It was awful. No one teased him, he wasn’t labelled a cry baby, he just struggled. His year 2 teacher was amazing and changed his life! He is a teenager now and although he never liked school, he seemed to do ok.

YeahWhatevver · 05/04/2020 11:46

Does anyone have any advice please?

Yeah, mind your own business.

differentnameforthis · 05/04/2020 11:58

I don't see the DIL bashing at all, I do however have an issue with the use of "cry baby" because it is never used as anything other than a dig at those who are more emotional than some.

GreenLeafedLemon · 05/04/2020 12:00

As everyone else said, it’s normal, and you just sound jealous.

Oysterbabe · 05/04/2020 12:02

It is horrible to refer to a 4 year old as a cry baby. A small child who is upset at being left upon joining reception is not a cry baby, they're a small distressed child showing normal behaviour.

dayswithaY · 05/04/2020 12:02

My DD was exactly like this, she clung to me and wouldn't let me out of her sight. Now she's a teenager and can't stand the sight of me.

It does seem odd that it would bother you so much. Maybe focus your energy on that instead.

M0nstermunch · 05/04/2020 12:02

It’s totally normal. You seem to be trying to turn this into a criticism of your DIL.

This as a previous poster said and calling her a cry baby is horrible.

Glad you aren't my mil!

YgritteSnow · 05/04/2020 12:03

How do you get on with your DIL out of interest? You sound very critical.

amusedbush · 05/04/2020 12:03

My brother was the same. My mum says she could have left me with a stranger on the street and I wouldn’t have batted an eye but my brother cried whenever she left the room.

isabellerossignol · 05/04/2020 12:05

My daughter was exactly like that. She cried every time I left her - at the childminder, at her grandparents, every day that I went to work. She did it every day for five years, and I tortured myself feeling guilty about leaving her. And then she started school and skipped off happily with never a backwards glance.

She's a teenager now and seems normal enough to me.

Morningshere · 05/04/2020 12:07

OP my advice would be that you don't call your granddaughter a cry baby or expect her to cope with things by the time she is 3. Maybe there's another reason she's crying when being dropped off at yours?

CodenameVillanelle · 05/04/2020 12:10

Don't call it 'favouritism' it's attachment and it's very normal.

Walkaround · 05/04/2020 12:10

Hi, Lockdownhair - sorry people have been rude to you. It’s a reflection of their own hangups, not anything you actually said. It is very normal for some children to do this - normal enough that it’s not a cause of bullying. It only seems to become a problem when parents become highly anxious about it themselves and don’t believe reassurances that their child calmed down and was happy soon after they were dropped off. A small number of children, of course, do remain withdrawn and anxious the entire time they are separated from their primary caregiver. That is not normal and a school would make parents aware of this if it were the case.

SirVixofVixHall · 05/04/2020 12:14

She is three, a toddler.
As a species our small children are extremely vulnerable, and would die without maternal care. We have a long childhood compared to many other primates, being “clingy” is just normal behaviour for small mammals everywhere. I hate the labelling of normal behaviour as though it is a failing of either the child or the parent. Very small children are entirely reliant on adults, they aren’t supposed to be independent !
Be glad your Granddaughter has a close and loving relationship with her mother, where her Mum makes her feel secure and safe.

PurpleCrazyHorse · 05/04/2020 12:17

It will be fine.

My son cried every day at nursery when he was about 2.5yo. He used to wait at the window and watch for my car!! He didn't really settle and when I lost my job I was a bit worried for when he started nursery at 3 and reception at 4. He was totally fine!

I also think at age 3 and 4, certainly my son doesn't really care what other kids are up to. His world is still so small and revolves around him. He might mention a child that did x or y but he's relaying a fact not really judging them or passing any sort of comment. He's so engrossed in his world and his things, that he just doesn't see who's still crying or who did a wee in their pants!! The staff were also very experienced in dealing with upset children at drop off, your granddaughter won't be only one if she is upset.

Isitweekendyet · 05/04/2020 12:21

Completely normal, we ended up switching who did nursery drop off because he was a nightmare for me and a dream for DH.

He's always been a massive Mummy's boy, not that he loves his Dad any less. I think it's just a matter of who they're around more.

the fuckers are great at playing favourites

TellLucyILoveHer · 05/04/2020 12:34

And I forgot to add, if she was clingy to my son & not dil, i would still be upset about it

And that would be an equally silly thing to be upset about. Don't worry, it's quite normal. I'm sure she'll be fine. Kids grow up a lot between 3 and 5.

timetest · 05/04/2020 12:39

DD2 was very clingy at that age. By the time she was 13, she found me totally embarrassing and did all she could to avoid me.

izzywizzygood · 05/04/2020 12:54

YANBU at all OP. I think it's a valid concern. It's possibly a generational issue - kids these days are more prone to wobbles and anxiety, whereas in the past kids were more robust. Parents were more robust then too, they certainly didn't have time to sit on mumsnet all day moaning about a split bag of peas.
Please ignore all the horrid comments, I think you had a reasonable concern and were merely trying to gather whether this was normal.

FaFoutis · 05/04/2020 13:11

It isn't that children in the past were more robust, we are all human with the same instincts.
We knew our parents would call us things like 'crybaby' so we internalised our anxieties and now we are all fucked up and letting it out on MN.

puds11 · 05/04/2020 13:16

Cry baby? What a fucking horrible thing to call your granddaughter.

Original poster

Lockdownhair · 05/04/2020 13:19

Thank you for your reassurances, it's good to know there is no need to worry. People interpret words in different ways I guess. But I thought my post clearly showed I was worried, not dil bashing. And the cry baby phrase is not my mindset at all, it's how i imagined some children would think. Yes I am a mother so you'd think I would know these things. But at 60 years old it's very hard to remember what your own children were really like as toddlers. I can't remember them being upset at dropoffs, so naturally I will feel upset to see my lovely grandaughter heart broken. My son does spend time with her, they too have a close bond. If he does drop offs anywhere she's heartbroken if he's leaving her too. All I wanted to know, as I can't remember my own children being so heartbroken so I've no experience of this, if this was something to worry about when she starts school. I certainly don't want to project my worries onto her parents needlessley. Despite my post being misinterpreted by those who choose to read dil bashing when there was none, our home is a very warm, loving home & after the initial heartbreak grandaughter settles & doesn't cry again or ask for mummy. She even stays overnight, happily goes to bed without any bother & is up in the morning wanting to make her own breakfast. Dil would actually like to have 5 minutes to have a bath in peace without being followed, so she appreciates the time when our grandaughter comes to stay with us. I'm sure she will be fine now I've read all your comments ☺

OP posts:

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