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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Sex defines a relationship

83 replies

Goostacean · 04/04/2020 19:37

Saw this on another thread, but not a TAAT:
“Sex defines a relationship, if it is not present then you have a friendship.”

Struggling with this one; on one hand, completely agree. But on the other hand, many people have sexless marriages for various reasons and are very happy.

What do you think?

OP posts:

magicfarawaytrees · 04/04/2020 19:45

On the fence really.

I personally for my own relationships would agree, unless there is some sort of medical reason why you cannot.

Although, relationships come in all packages. If others get on great, both sides aren’t bothered and they love the company of each other then who is anyone else to judge or even know?

user1471517900 · 04/04/2020 19:47

That's clearly incorrect. I have a relationship with my parents surely!

Original poster

Goostacean · 04/04/2020 19:48

It was in the context of a marriage/romantic relationship. Clearly we all have relationships (neighbours, children, the postman) with whom we don’t have sex (I hope!).

OP posts:

Batshittery · 04/04/2020 19:49

Says who? It's up to each couple what works for them and not for anyone else to deny it's a relationship.
Each to their own is what I think

formerbabe · 04/04/2020 19:51

I highly doubt there's very many sexless romantic relationships where both parties are completely happy...but if there are, it's not my business to judge them or say their relationship is not valid.

TheArchSorcererofContwaraburg · 04/04/2020 19:52

Quite a narrow-minded generalisation, bit immature, too. It's different for every couple, whatever works for them, changes with time, too. What if, say, you are married to a sailor or soldier, obviously you're not having sex during long periods of deployment? What if one party becomes ill, do you jack it all in because you can't have sex as much as you want?

Sirzy · 04/04/2020 19:53

Surely what matters is that both parties in the relationship are happy with whatever they have? There is no right or wrong beyond that

randomchap · 04/04/2020 19:55

No, it doesn't. My late wife lost her sex drive due to a couple of medical issues. We were still physically affectionate and romantic and had a very strong relationship. Although sex is important, it isn't a defining attribute of a romantic relationship.

Toilenstripes · 04/04/2020 19:58

I think that’s a very immature and potentially dangerous point of view. Sex is an equal part of the pie, but the pie also includes respect, compassion, friendship and love. You can fuck someone you hate.

ComtesseDeSpair · 04/04/2020 20:00

Would agree with previous poster that there are probably very few sexless marriages where both parties are completely happy and satisfied with that. They might love each other, not want to separate because of that, have a great sense of friendship and care for each other, want to be in a relationship with each other etc but that’s not the same as being happy about the reality of no sex for the next x number of decades. Children leaving home and that being the catalyst for couples realising they’d like more from life than a platonic relationship is supposedly a huge catalyst for both infidelity and divorce.

Ponoka7 · 04/04/2020 20:01

A relationship is a commitment to enriching and sharing each others lives, partly on the basis that you aren't as committed to anyone else on the same scale. The rest of what goes on is negotiable.

That isn't a friendship.

Sidge · 04/04/2020 20:01

Well I think it’s true, certainly initially.

If you meet someone and don’t want sexual intimacy then it’s a friendship isn’t it? Sex is what sets apart a friendship from a romantic relationship.

However if you’re in an established relationship that then stops having sex it’s a separate issue.

MelbaToast · 04/04/2020 20:07

At this point in my life I would say it depends on the individual and their relationship. I always thought it would be really hard to be in a relationship without sex. However, I'm currently not having sex due to covid-19 and I think it's actually making my relationship with DP better. We're talking much more than we ever have.

EyeSoLated · 04/04/2020 20:07

Sex isn't the be all and end all. True love and true romantic relationships are built on much more than sex. If sex is all you have, I'd say it's not a relationship.

FudgeBrownie2019 · 04/04/2020 20:10

No, I don't agree. Sex is an important part but not the defining part. For me at least.

HistoryHeroes · 04/04/2020 20:11

I think if you do everything together, have your own house, share a bed, intimate hugs, kiss. Would that still be just a friendship? You'd be upset if your partner slept with someone else. Even if you don't sleep together, it's very different to just a friendship. I know a few older couples like this actually.

HistoryHeroes · 04/04/2020 20:12

That's it - what is romance without sex then?

MinesAPintOfTea · 04/04/2020 20:13

Not having sex due to covid19 isn't a relationship without sex. Last time we had sex covid19 was barely in the news, and we aren't in a big gap now.

User202004 · 04/04/2020 20:17

You can't have a fulfilling relationship without sex if one of you misses it and wants it.

Ponoka7 · 04/04/2020 20:18

@Sidge, do you have the same level of emotional commitment to your friends that you do with your partner? People are having to choise their partner or parents in this crisis, would friends be equally on your list?

BeetrootRocks · 04/04/2020 20:18

Lots of women go off sex at various points- pregnancy, childbirth, breast feeding, menopause are common.

Plenty of people go off sex when eg stressed, mental health issues, illness, certain treatments for illness, certain illnesses, old age...

This puts all those relationships as converted to friendships?

It's a very immature view tbh.

31133004Taff · 04/04/2020 20:19

*A relationship is a commitment to enriching and sharing each others lives, partly on the basis that you aren't as committed to anyone else on the same scale. The rest of what goes on is negotiable.

That isn't a friendship.*

This I think defines an intimate relationship beyond sex. Although I think if physically you find a person unappealing then it does make it difficult to have a depth of feeling that enables a person to make the provision for another person.

31133004Taff · 04/04/2020 20:20

Good thread

Darkstar4855 · 04/04/2020 20:22

YABU. You can have romance and intimacy without sex. It’s only an issue if one of you wants it more than the other, and if you rely on sex to make you feel attractive/wanted/loved.

mynamesmrdiggety · 04/04/2020 20:23

Well, sometimes you don't even have a friendship l!

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