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Original poster

Sex defines a relationship

83 replies

Goostacean · 04/04/2020 19:37

Saw this on another thread, but not a TAAT:
“Sex defines a relationship, if it is not present then you have a friendship.”

Struggling with this one; on one hand, completely agree. But on the other hand, many people have sexless marriages for various reasons and are very happy.

What do you think?

OP posts:
Honeyroar · 04/04/2020 20:23

If sex defines your relationship I’d say you have a rubbish relationship.

Bellyfullofbiscuits · 04/04/2020 20:24

In a monogamous relationship, is this the only thing that you share with that individual, otherwise you are friends ?

Afternooninthepark · 04/04/2020 20:25

I think this question is age related. I’ve been with dh since 17, now 47. I would have agreed in my 20’s and 30’s but our relationship is much better sex or no sex. Even during times when sex is infrequent our relationship is nowhere near a friendship, it’s so much deeper than that.

Bellyfullofbiscuits · 04/04/2020 20:27

I think that might apply on very long term friendships too?

FancyPants20 · 04/04/2020 20:30

Sex is an element of a good relationship, not a definition of it.

Sidge · 04/04/2020 20:36

@Ponoka7 I’m not quite sure what your question has to do with my post.

I’m talking about the commencement of a relationship, that sex and sexual intimacy sets apart a romantic relationship from a friendship.

I have lots of friends, male and female. I don’t want to be sexually intimate with them. I am emotionally committed to them and some of my friendships have been stronger than some of my relationships.

Quite what that’s got to do with sexual relationships I don’t know.

I believe we have lots of different types of relationships with their own defining characteristics. But I think what sets a romantic relationship apart is sexual attraction, sexual intimacy. That’s not to say a good relationship won’t also have many of the positive characteristics that non sexual relationships also have.

Sparklesocks · 04/04/2020 20:39

I don’t think it defines it. It may be a barometer in some ways, an indicator of how the relationship is - often people aren’t having sex in relationships that aren’t doing Very well for example - but it’s too simplistic. There are many different types of intimate relationships and you can’t really apply a single rule to them all.

RU562341 · 04/04/2020 20:44

You can quite easily have sex without a relationship; so why not the other way around?
And honestly, if both people are happy in a sexless relationship, then surely it's up to them?
Obviously, if one person is not happy, then that's different.

Oxyiz · 04/04/2020 20:48

Nah, I refuse to buy that. Sex is great, but it's not what makes or breaks a marriage/relationship for me. Those are defined in other ways.

However, forget what everyone else says OP. If something's bothering you in your relationship then it bothers you.

Meredithgrey1 · 04/04/2020 20:48

Completely disagree. My feelings for my husband are totally different to the feelings I have for my friends, regardless of sex. I find it odd to suggest that the only difference between my husband and my best friend is that I have sex with my husband and not with my friend. To me they are totally different relationships in many ways.

Original poster
Goostacean · 04/04/2020 21:54

Interesting! Am enjoying all the replies, thank you. The original context of the discussion was a sexless marriage that one person was disappointed by, and the comment was made in response to that.

OP posts:
Youcunnyfunt · 04/04/2020 22:09

Disagree.

And I say that as someone who has been in unhappy sexless relationships. Sex doesn't make you love someone more or less. Sex is just something you do, if you are so inclined, with someone you want to have sex with at the time you want to actually have sex, preferably not cheating on a partner (open relationships are fine if they are discussed and communicated).

EasyPleasey · 04/04/2020 22:14

I think sex is needed in a good relationship. I've only stayed in relationships with good sex, if it has been bad or non existent then I choose to end it.

Guavaf1sh · 04/04/2020 22:40

If a relationship has never been sexual (and people aren’t related by blood) then it can’t really be anything other than a friendship - so yes in some way sex does define the nature of such relationships

DontStandSoCloseToMe · 05/04/2020 06:08

My grandparents are in their eighties, I very much doubt they are still having sex (health issues), they clearly still love each other very much and would be offended at being told they are just friends after 65 years of marriage 🙄

DontStandSoCloseToMe · 05/04/2020 06:09

If sex is the only thing that differentiates your marriage from your friendships, I don't think your marriage is a particularly strong relationship

Reginabambina · 05/04/2020 06:30

No, but a degree of affection does (Fro some people this would be sex but for others it might be just kissing or love letters etc).

Sertchgi123 · 05/04/2020 06:32

Sex does NOT define a relationship.

InfiniteSheldon · 05/04/2020 06:36

A friendship moves to a relationship with sexual intimacy but having had sexual intimacy a relationship doesn't stop when the sexual act stops that's up to the two individuals.

Anon4445 · 05/04/2020 06:52

Name changed just to post in this!

Currently living like this m. Been married 10 years and sex was always scarce and now completely gone. He’s a very closed off guy doesn’t talk to anyone. Conversations are usually just one word replies. Lots of ppl have said it’s hard making conversation with him. Had a huge fight yesterday about his issues again and he just shuts Convo down.

We’re both in our 30’s I can’t live like this. So yes I agree sex DOES define a relationship. His lack of sex AND intimacy (so I suppose sex and intimacy define a relationship) has just made me really hateful towards him. He does not have sexual abuse history as a child - he’s actually really spoilt by his whole family

Anon4445 · 05/04/2020 06:55

It’s not even friendship it’s more like living with someone who just sucks away any joy. I think it’s the most cruel thing you can do to a person. I’m attractive but his lack of affection and desire for me makes me question myself. It’s a horrible thing to take away in a marriage. Any advice pls

BitOfFun · 05/04/2020 07:41

I think that's obviously a huge issue, Anon. You sound deeply unhappy.

Equally, there are couples who may be experiencing a dip due to illness or exhaustion, or living apart- as long as both people are on the same page and still fancy each other and find ways to be intimate, then that is still a romantic relationship. It's not simply a friendship.

StarlightLady · 05/04/2020 07:43

My view is that you can have sex without a relationship, and often it can be the best sex, but you can’t have a relationship without sex.

Helmetbymidnight · 05/04/2020 07:46

i would have said exactly that in my 20s and 30s Smile now as i get older, i understand that sex can wax and wane but the relationship hopefully does not.

StarlightLady · 05/04/2020 08:24

Plus in the right situation you can have quality sex with good friends. For the record, I’m in my 40s.