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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sex defines a relationship

83 replies

Goostacean · 04/04/2020 19:37

Saw this on another thread, but not a TAAT:
“Sex defines a relationship, if it is not present then you have a friendship.”

Struggling with this one; on one hand, completely agree. But on the other hand, many people have sexless marriages for various reasons and are very happy.

What do you think?

OP posts:
cinammonbuns · 05/04/2020 08:29

Some people are asexual and have perfectly happy relationships.

Obviously if one person wants it and the other person doesn’t it would cause issues.

But some couples never have and will never have sex and I don’t think that means they are just friends. Sex is not the only form of intimacy. I think that’s a very old fashioned idea.

SimonJT · 05/04/2020 08:35

Would that person think Rev Richard Coles didn’t have a relationship with his late husband because they didn’t have sex?

Ruthless67 · 05/04/2020 08:38

Where was the original thread? Interested to see.

FineWordsForAPorcupine · 05/04/2020 09:09

Sex doesn't necessarily define a relationship - my partner and I are very much in love, intimate, committed and sexual. We also have sex with other people (happily open relationship on both sides). So the fact that we have sex together doesn't "define" our relationship - that is defined trust, intimacy, commitment and the fact that we share our life and responsibilities.

marvellousnightforamooncup · 05/04/2020 09:13

Whatever works. You can have great sex and a shit relationship you can have no sex and a great relationship.

Insideimsprinting · 05/04/2020 09:23

Surely there is something much more to a relationship than friendship and sex. Relationships have to heve more otherwise they would be friends with benefits.
I would hate to think that some one would dump me or see me just as a friend just because the sex isn't there anymore.
Good sex is important to many people whether or nor they're in a relationship so is good friendship. It isn't one or the others their is a relationship too, it doesn't have to be that simplistic.

MarieQueenofScots · 05/04/2020 09:26

The only people who can define their relationship is the couple in question.

There are so many permutations of relationship it’s impossible to fit them into a single definition.

madcatladyforever · 05/04/2020 09:30

It's a tough one, I came out as asexual while I was still married. I loved my husband but I just could not bring myself to go through with the sexual relationship any more it felt like rape every time and it had to stop.
So he left. His choice.
I think the only way another bond would work is if I lived with another asexual and I would not be able to call that a romantic relationship.
It would be a very close friendship.

madcatladyforever · 05/04/2020 09:31

I mourn the bond other people have, it's like being blind and having never experienced a rainbow.

Lockheart · 05/04/2020 09:35

I think a relationship is partly defined by equal sex drives, not by sex itself. Two asexuals can have as much of a serious relationship as two sex addicts.

Problems arise when there's a mismatch in libido.

ElegantPeacock · 05/04/2020 09:44

@Anon4445 hi, that's really sad. It's a difficult situation isn't it. Have you sat down and spoke to him how you feel? Maybe he needs a proper talking to about your feelings etc and where you see this relationship going if he doesn't make any changes. I hope it gets better.

I'm in a situation too where I felt like sex did define a relationship, so after reading this thread it has made me feel slightly better

My partner and I have a baby girl. 7 months old. We bought a house last year and have been in a great relationship for about 4.5years.i would say since our DD has arrived something has changed. We have had sex three times and it's really knocked my confidence. I feel horrible. Tried talking to him about it but he said we're going through a sticky situation... Or not so sticky, at the moment. We really are in love but it bugs me that we aren't having sex and it's causing me to have all these other feelings. I've been cheated on before. I know he isn't cheating on me, but I've found myself having a quick check of his phone etc. Just because I don't get why he doesn't want sex with me. Could it be the Labour? He had a terrible view once baby was out and I think it would even give me. The fear. Maybe even if the affection was a bit better I wouldn't feel so self conscious. Anyway, that's my rant for today.
So I do feel better that perhaps sex doesn't define a relationship because there is so many other layers to a relationship.

CeibaTree · 05/04/2020 09:51

I think in the early stages of a relationship sex definitely cements the bond, but as life happens you develop a deeper relationship with your spouse that may or may not include regular sex - as long as both people are happy with the situation then there is no problem I guess. Agree with a pp - it's a very immature view to have that love and intimacy = sex.

Ruthless67 · 05/04/2020 21:00

What does TAAT mean?

Ruthless67 · 05/04/2020 21:02

@Goostacean Where is the original post about this?

goldpartyhat · 05/04/2020 21:36

Surely you need friendship as much as sex in a marriage or long term partnership?

You can't separate the two in most cases, but there are plenty of couples in a sexless relationship, who love each other. Friendship? Of course, but surely marriage is so much more? So much more also than just sex. Nice as it sounds (?) to enjoy sex 6 hours a day and all day at weekends, there must come a time when you stop and talk to each other and discover if you actually like each other?

Candyfloss99 · 05/04/2020 21:39

Well that's the defining difference between friendship and romantic relationship. If you have a great time with someone but don't want to have sex with them then they're a friend.

Youcanstay · 05/04/2020 21:43

I disagree completely.
It’s a very closed minded and rigid way to see relationships.

I don’t believe there ever has to be sex for it to be a romantic relationship.
I don’t believe the two are connected at all.

sallycinnamon14 · 05/04/2020 21:50

They say that the two major reasons for relationship break ups are money and sex so maybe there's some truth there. From my point of view, I am in my late 30s with a man 12 years my senior and sex between us has always been more infrequent than I'd like. That said we are happy and affectionate in other ways. Ideally I'd have more sex in the relationship but you can't always have it all. It annoys me a bit but so does him leaving socks on the floor! Sometimes you have to make sacrifices. For me it isn't a deal breaker but I guess it might be more important to others.

nancyjuice7 · 05/04/2020 21:51

I disagree.

There have been times where we had lots of sex, but in other issues were unhappy.
There have been times where we've not had sex, felt close and been happy.

Life is not linear and neither are sex lives

I don't think how much sex you have merits how good your relationship is??

Wearywithteens · 06/04/2020 01:51

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

FortunesFave · 06/04/2020 02:00

It's SORT OF true. Without sex, then the relationship is nothing but a friendship...a special one but still a friendship.

Affection doesn't count either. I have platonic friends who show me a lot of physical affection but we're not in relationships.

My DH and I have sex. We kiss in a romantic way and are intimately involved with massages etc.

I wouldn't do that with a 'friend".

If DH and I removed the sex and intimacy, then we'd be best friends.

But that does not mean we couldn't be committed to one another exclusively.

For example, if he lost the use of his penis I'd still be faithful to him.

31133004Taff · 06/04/2020 06:20

The only way my STBXH could be intimate with me was through sex. I had no other entry point into his inner world. I felt very lonely. I agree, if it is only sex that defines a relationship as opposed to a friendship, then the relationship is one dimensional. A relationship is defined by a deeper commitment that goes beyond the individual.

Scott72 · 06/04/2020 07:57

OP wasn't saying that sex is the only thing that matters in a romantic relationship. That is misrepresenting what they said. You need other types of affection in a successful relationship. But sexual desire is what separates romantic love from other forms of attraction. Without it you just have friendship.

Helmetbymidnight · 06/04/2020 08:01

Without it you just have friendship.

this is such a childs eye view of the world. try telling couples in their 50s-90s who have health problems, grief, stress, etc that their partner is just a friend.

BroomstickOfLove · 06/04/2020 08:35

Some people here are claiming that a relationship where there has never been sex can only be a friendship, and can't be romantic.

But if that is the case, then people who have injuries or medical conditions which prevent them from having (or from enjoying) sex from an early age would be unable to form romantic relationships, and would have friendships but not romance.

And this is clearly not the case. People fall in love without having sex all the time.

If a spouse has an unconsummated love affair with someone else, that's infidelity, not just another friendship.