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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To worry that my OH is going to be a rubbish dad?

93 replies

HungryPanda92 · 04/04/2020 12:17

My OH is currently in a foul mood because I've told him he has to do the shopping today. Every since I mentioned it he's been snappy with me and we've now not spoken for two hours. I'm 14 weeks pregnant and with the shops only allowing one adult from each household it makes sense he goes as I'm meant to be social distancing. He suffers from some anxiety but nothing to stop him from going to the shop. He doesn't drive so I'd still have to drive us there but I can't see why he can't go in while I wait in the car. The thing is I normally do most of the household tasks and chores even though he works half the hours I do. Now I'm working from home full time and he's on furlough and he's still done nothing to help me in the two weeks he's been off.

I see all these posts about people's partners looking after them while they're pregnant. Making an extra effort or whatever but mine just doesn't seem bothered at all. I'm worried if that's his attitude now how is he going to cope with the extra strain a baby is going to bring?

(sorry for the long rant - didn't realise how much this was all bothering me till I started writing)

Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
inwood · 04/04/2020 12:18

He sounds like a prat but telling him instead of asking him doesn't start off on the right tone.

I don't see the point in you driving him to the supermarket though you may as well go in he's just as likely as you to pick it up and then infect you

PicsInRed · 04/04/2020 12:19

Lundy Bancroft's Why Does He Do That.

The mask is dropping because he feels that he has you stuck.

Yes, he will be absolutely abysmal. Make plans now.

HollowTalk · 04/04/2020 12:22

He works much fewer hours than you but doesn't pull his weight with housework?

You're working from home and he's off work and he's doing nothing?

Did you think he'd change when you had a baby?

timeisnotaline · 04/04/2020 12:22

Umm. Don’t you think he’s a rubbish husband? So yes, I’m afraid he probably will be a rubbish dad, I can’t see why he would suddenly step up.
Why do you do most of the chores? Stop. Tell him this is shit and you are miserable thinking it will only be worse when you aren’t working and he needs to pull his weight by doing laundry shopping cooking cleaning etc. Except mega sulks and if you are super lucky over a couple of years of you constantly thinking of ways to communicate what’s fair and to ask him to do x and remind him he needs to plan and cook something healthy for tues wed and fri the next week and losing your shit and screaming the house down because he is still shit he gradually improves and becomes an adequate partner. Not terribly likely though given he’s moaning about going into a shop.

Wewearpinkonwednesdays · 04/04/2020 12:23

The point is the OP is pregnant and they are an at risk group 🙄.
Yup sorry op this doesn't sound good for the future.

timeisnotaline · 04/04/2020 12:24

I don't see the point in you driving him to the supermarket though you may as well go in he's just as likely as you to pick it up and then infect you
They do live together so aren’t you saying no point him having any part of the shopping because you live there too so you should just do it all? So he may as well shop and the op rest in the car, make him wash his hands before getting in.

RonnieBarkingMad · 04/04/2020 12:24

No you’re not being unreasonable. He’s being lazy and selfish.

I agree it makes no sense for you to drive to the shops and then wait in the car as you will be in an enclosed space with him after he’s been in a shop full of people. But if he doesn’t drive and it’s not recommended that people use public transport, I don’t see an alternative. Unless he has had his license taken away from him or he has severe disabilities, he should prioritise learning to drive as soon as instructors are offering lessons again. Can you really see yourself driving you both around to loads of places with a weekly newborn?

SureSureSure · 04/04/2020 12:24

If he is lazy and unsupportive now, unfortunately it doesn’t look good for when your baby arrives.

I’d give him a chance and have a frank talk to him. But if he doesn’t change, you’ll need to start thinking about how you want your future to look.

Teacaketotty · 04/04/2020 12:24

I think there’s such a massive shift once a baby comes along, if he’s been relying on you to do most things then he’s in for a nasty shock when baby comes and you simply won’t be able to. Even when you are further along you are going to need his help and you deserve it.

The shopping sounds like a starter for a bigger problem, many men don’t feel the reality of a pregnancy until much later but it’s important you communicate what you need. Not speaking to you because you asked him to go to the shop is frankly ridiculous, you should be staying in as much as possible really - I don’t understand why he would want you to go honestly.

user1493413286 · 04/04/2020 12:25

I don’t remember my DH looking after me while I was pregnant at 14 weeks; once I was bigger and less able to then he did more but I did have to point it out that I needed help. He has been a really good dad since our DD was born but again at times I’ve had to talk to him about the fact that I couldn’t carry on doing as much as I did before. Thinking back I have no idea how pre kids I fell into doing so much but we’ve changed that by talking and asking him what he would suggest so it’s not just me telling him what he needs to do.

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/04/2020 12:28

Why isn’t he doing more, way more, as he’s not working? Why wasn’t he doing at least an equal share when he was working? Why was he working so little?

You’re right, none of this sounds promising but you presumably weren’t that unhappy before you decided to bring a baby into it.

What are you going to do?

PotteringAlong · 04/04/2020 12:29

I cried because I splashed soup on the wall when I was heating up the soup. It’s unusual times. I’m not sure that judging a man with anxiety negatively because he’s anxious about going shopping during a global pandemic is evidence of how good a father he will be.

You clearly weren’t worried about him being a good father 4 months ago so why have you changed your mind since?

myfav · 04/04/2020 12:30

DH never made a big fuss over me whilst pregnant (he did hold me hair several times whilst I was sick though) but I never really wanted or needed extra help. However following government guidance you do need him to step up. I'm not in a risk group and DH has taken it upon to assume the role of the one leaving the house to go shopping. As he's not working he also needs to be doing the majority of the housework. Whatever you do do not go out to do the shopping, if you can't be bothered to go out you order yourself a takeaway for 1 for your dinner.

FudgeBrownie2019 · 04/04/2020 12:31

Babies don't magically make things better. They don't come along and turn their parents into great people. They can bring out the best and the worst, certainly, but what's his best? Half-arsed efforts and can't-be-arsed housework?

Flowers You need to shake things up now, rather than hope for the best.

Sexnotgender · 04/04/2020 12:32

Sounds like he’ll be pretty shit.

Why are you having a baby with a useless manchild?

SueEllenMishke · 04/04/2020 12:34

There are lots of issues here.
He's not a good partner and that is unlikely to translate into a good parent.
How receptive would he be to you discussing this and you outlining your expectations? Don't leave this until the baby is here.

ThePants999 · 04/04/2020 12:34

Oh dear. A word of warning for everyone else: a man who leaves all the housework to you when you work twice his hours is not someone with whom to have a child.

PicsInRed · 04/04/2020 12:34

OP, I would strongly advise that you take this question across to the relationships board for more "targeted" advice. There really isn't the same degree of understanding around relationship risk factors here. A lot of the advice here will be "they're all like that" and "you made your bed", which are neither true nor helpful.

SureSureSure · 04/04/2020 12:35

I don’t think it’s expecting to ‘be made a fuss of’ to hope that your partner could get some shopping in when you’re shielding from a pandemic, and perhaps pull his weight with the housework?!

PamelaPupkin · 04/04/2020 12:36

Well yes he’s a crap husband so I’d bet money he’ll be a crap dad.

It’s not rocket science.

EL8888 · 04/04/2020 12:38

He’s being selfish and lazy, you’re not being unreasonable. Has he always been so lazy? I do wonder why you are having a baby with someone who makes so little effort. Some people might think it’s bitchy and unnecessary but it is a good point

1990shopefulftm · 04/04/2020 12:38

I think you need to have an open conversation about why it could be more risky for you to do the shopping and setting expectations of the relationship more clearly.
I m 10 weeks pregnant and as soon as DH and I knew of the social distancing advice he's been doing the food shopping alone without any complaints.

TheMotherofAllDilemmas · 04/04/2020 12:40

Another vote for abysmal parent, that level of selfishness is a hindrance when you are raising a child. The only thing I could tell you is that he will get far worse with a kid.

Much easier, safe and far less heartbreaking for the child to raise them on your own from birth than putting them and yourself to the experience of having to be a mother to an overgrown toddler and a baby.

LittleBoyJuly2020 · 04/04/2020 12:45

I'm 24 weeks pregnant and I like to make my partner breakfast, teas, his dinner etc, but the appreciation is absolutely returned and he can't do enough for me right now. I have no worries about him being a great dad. That's how you should feel too. I think you need to have a serious conversation with him.

Wehttam · 04/04/2020 12:45

OP it would appear you picked a dud to have a child with. Good luck, he’s this crap in a pandemic, imagine when the rules relax and you’re doing it ALL. 😐💐