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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To worry that my OH is going to be a rubbish dad?

93 replies

HungryPanda92 · 04/04/2020 12:17

My OH is currently in a foul mood because I've told him he has to do the shopping today. Every since I mentioned it he's been snappy with me and we've now not spoken for two hours. I'm 14 weeks pregnant and with the shops only allowing one adult from each household it makes sense he goes as I'm meant to be social distancing. He suffers from some anxiety but nothing to stop him from going to the shop. He doesn't drive so I'd still have to drive us there but I can't see why he can't go in while I wait in the car. The thing is I normally do most of the household tasks and chores even though he works half the hours I do. Now I'm working from home full time and he's on furlough and he's still done nothing to help me in the two weeks he's been off.

I see all these posts about people's partners looking after them while they're pregnant. Making an extra effort or whatever but mine just doesn't seem bothered at all. I'm worried if that's his attitude now how is he going to cope with the extra strain a baby is going to bring?

(sorry for the long rant - didn't realise how much this was all bothering me till I started writing)

Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:

Original poster

HungryPanda92 · 04/04/2020 16:49

Kinda wish I'd never started this thread. Home truths hurt! But I want to say thank you to everyone who took the time to comment positively or negatively.

I know there's a few of you who think I should just jump ship now but I'm not ready for that. I am however going to sit down and really talk it all through as we still have 6 months or so to work on all this and I'm not saying I can change him but I want to give him the chance.

As some have said I haven't really asked him to step up and we've settled into a routine over the last 6 years. I feel our relationship deserves to be given a chance but after suffering domestic abuse in a previous relationship I've never been very sure of myself so wasn't sure if this was just me being OTT. This thread has given me the push I needed to try and sort all this out. I just really hope he takes what I have to say on board.

Thanks again guys x

OP posts:

RonnieBarkingMad · 04/04/2020 16:52

@HungryPanda92

Kinda wish I'd never started this thread. Home truths hurt

Yeah, they do. They are also sometimes a great help. You asked for advice and you’ve been given it. It’s not something you should (or could) immediately put into place but you’ve been given advice you should consider in the long run. Good luck.

JuanSheetIsPlenty · 04/04/2020 17:08

I’m so sorry OP. It sounds like every other story of a useless dad we read on here.

The good news is you don’t have to stay with him.

Treaclepie19 · 04/04/2020 17:08

@Hungrypanda92 people certainly can step up once babies arrive.
Depends whether he is just a bit lazy or actually doesn't see it as his job.

My husband now does jobs right away because he knows there won't be time otherwise. He used to put it bottom of the pile because we had all the time in the world.

Talk to him

Original poster

HungryPanda92 · 04/04/2020 17:14

@treaclepie19 he is definitely lazy. But he's not a misogynist. He's just used to being kept. Feels like I've done a lot of growing up since we got together and he's still got a bit to do.

OP posts:

Sceptre86 · 04/04/2020 17:15

He doesn't sound like a great partner and if that is the case why have a baby with him? Sorry to be harsh but if he works less hours than you yet still does nothing around the house then he isn't exactly bringing a lot to the table is he? My dh didn't look after me as such when I was 14 weeks pregnant as it was barely noticeable, he did as time went on though. He was thoughtful and anticipated my needs.You are pregnant not hopeless, yes he should be doing the shopping and you driving and staying in the car is a good compromise at the moment. Moving forward I would be having a serious conversation about what your expectations of each other are. I think you might be better off on your own.

billy1966 · 04/04/2020 17:32

You sound lovely OP.

But it doesn't bode well.

The clue is in he likes to be "kept".

Kept, lazy men are unlikely to morph into hard working supportive partners.

Most like you will continue to do everything at home, work fulltime, carry the mental load, and also being the primary parent doing the slog with your baby.

As someone succinctly put it upthread...like being a single parent.... with an annoyance around the place, mostly like making more work for you.

The positive is that you are waking up to the grim reality of the situation now, rather that 6 months time when you have given birth.

Protect yourself OP.
Make sure you have support around you.
It's likely you will need it.

Best of luck.

VegetableMunge · 04/04/2020 17:40

What a useless arsehole. Yanbu at all. Make sure you give baby your surname and don't have any more kids with him after this either.

1FootInTheRave · 04/04/2020 17:51

He's a useless dickhead and an utterly shit partner.

I don't think it bodes well tbh.

Please start putting yourself first and stop being a mug.

Embracelife · 04/04/2020 17:52

He needs to practice walking to the corner shop /nearest shop for essentials because when you have a newborn or when you heavily pregnant you aren't going to want to be going out shopping . So start him now.
Stop doing everything
Accept he wont do things your way.
If he just sulks and whines about playing his part and sharing the chores then yeh it doesn't look good long term .

Nanny0gg · 04/04/2020 18:26

There should be lessons in school.

Love is not enough

TestBank · 04/04/2020 18:32

He was your baby. He's not going to like it when the actual baby appears and your attention shifts. Man babies tend to stay man babies. Sorry op.

TheArchSorcererofContwaraburg · 04/04/2020 19:29

You are onto a hiding to nothing. Do not give the baby his surname. You've already tried to ol' chat/sitdown/word with him, he just got stroppy. He's lazy, used to be kept, has an excuse to get out of everything. Sadly, people like this don't usually change and get worse once a baby comes along. NannyOgg is right, love is not enough. You fell for the classic fallacy that's common after people get out of abusive relationships: they find someone who's still shit but since they're not as bad as the last arsehole loser, you accept them.

But the facts are clear: he doesn't even work FT, he does FA in terms of lifework and housework, he doesn't drive, he CBA'd to go into the shop when you're in the high risk group and worst of all, when pulled up he gets stroppy.

Mummyshark2019 · 04/04/2020 22:46

He will be a shit dad. If you have a feeling now, most likely will be the case.

Rezie · 04/04/2020 23:34

I think you should sit down and have a conversation. Acknowledge this stressful situation and both of yiubexpress the expectations towards each other and find a compromise.

Ellie56 · 04/04/2020 23:55

Sulking because he has to do the shopping? Really?

Sorry OP you might have got rid of a grade 10 arsehole, but looks like you've now picked up a grade 8 one. And if he is a moody selfish shit now he's not going to suddenly morph into a great dad. He'll just get worse when he discovers you won't have as much time to run round after him when the baby arrives.

timeisnotaline · 05/04/2020 00:12

Have the conversation but it won’t be that simple. Be prepared for him to completely believe that if he does 1 thing, it is 100% more than he was doing so has massively upped his game and deserves a medal. Eg you collect clothes and put in basket. Ask him to put washing on. He asks how. You tel him. He puts washing on, you notice it’s still in the machine and hang it out, bring it in, fold it and iron it. Ask him to put a pile away and he says what aren’t you going to do anything at all now?!
Make sure when you allocate chores out that you give an entire piece. So dinner is planning the meal, writing the shopping list, cooking it and possibly cleaning up. Otherwise you have to do most of it and remind him to do his one little bit. Buy some snacks to tide you over while waiting for dinner!

OutOntheTilez · 05/04/2020 00:46

From what you wrote, you're correct, OP. He's going to be a crappy, useless dad.

I'd be thinking now about my options.

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