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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To worry that my OH is going to be a rubbish dad?

93 replies

HungryPanda92 · 04/04/2020 12:17

My OH is currently in a foul mood because I've told him he has to do the shopping today. Every since I mentioned it he's been snappy with me and we've now not spoken for two hours. I'm 14 weeks pregnant and with the shops only allowing one adult from each household it makes sense he goes as I'm meant to be social distancing. He suffers from some anxiety but nothing to stop him from going to the shop. He doesn't drive so I'd still have to drive us there but I can't see why he can't go in while I wait in the car. The thing is I normally do most of the household tasks and chores even though he works half the hours I do. Now I'm working from home full time and he's on furlough and he's still done nothing to help me in the two weeks he's been off.

I see all these posts about people's partners looking after them while they're pregnant. Making an extra effort or whatever but mine just doesn't seem bothered at all. I'm worried if that's his attitude now how is he going to cope with the extra strain a baby is going to bring?

(sorry for the long rant - didn't realise how much this was all bothering me till I started writing)

Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
WickedlyPetite · 04/04/2020 13:11

He told me we we're going to have to go to the shops

Knowing that he doesn't drive, and shops aren't allowing couples in, he was basically telling you that you have to go to the shops.

Unless he meant that he would just come along for the drive - for you to enjoy the pleasure of his company? Confused

SecretsInSpitalfield · 04/04/2020 13:20

He doesn’t do chores and he hasn’t passed his driving test? What’s wrong with him?

PotteringAlong · 04/04/2020 13:22

@havendilemma I’m not shaming her! she wasn’t worried - she says herself that they have been together for 6 years and it was a planned and wanted baby. So I think what has changed in the last 4 months is a valid question. Because if it is something related to the pandemic then it’s not going to last forever and I wouldn’t worry about it. If it’s something else, then maybe that’s worth considering.

Spied · 04/04/2020 13:26

It'll be like being a single parent.
Just with him in the way.

AgentProvocateur · 04/04/2020 13:34

Shit husband = shit dad usually.

MintyMabel · 04/04/2020 13:39

He suffers from some anxiety but nothing to stop him from going to the shop

Regardless of the other stuff, I wouldn’t underestimate the affect of having to go to the shops during this if he lives with anxiety. If he is worried about catching it, the shops will be a problem for him.

Only you can tell if he is a useless twat. Presumably it’s something you thought about before you got to 14 weeks pregnant, just don’t write off anxiety.

TheLadyAnneNeville · 04/04/2020 13:42

Oh dear. What you have there love, is a ManChild. There’s loads of them about.

Aren’t you, as a pregnant lady supposed to stay home anyway?

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 04/04/2020 13:44

He sounds like a shitty partner and like hes always been like that if he works half your hours but you do most of the housework. So if he doesn't care about you enough to do his share, or thinks you should do all the housework because you're female, then I would guess he won't care about your child enough to create a nice environment for them or to do his share of looking after them, or he'll think you should do all the childcare because you're female

QueSera · 04/04/2020 14:03

I normally do most of the household tasks and chores even though he works half the hours I do. Now I'm working from home full time and he's on furlough and he's still done nothing to help me in the two weeks he's been off.

OP what on earth is going on? You normally work TWICE the hours he does, yet you do MOST of the household tasks and chores?

Why would you choose to be with someone so lazy, selfish and inconsiderate? Why would you choose to have a child with someone like this?

You're now pregnant and working full-time, while he is not working at all - and he's still doing nothing to help you. He should be going out of his way to help you at this sensitive time. Honestly, I can't see things getting any better. He's already shown you what kind of person he is, and he now continues to hammer home the message. You are very right to worry about what it will be like once the baby arrrives - you'll be doing everything plus looking after him. In time you might think that it is less work and less stress to be a single mum. You deserve someone who is an equal partner, and who looks after you when you're pregnant. Good luck OP.

AnPo · 04/04/2020 14:07

It'll be like being a single parent.Just with him in the way.

Yup, that's been my experience of these things. That's when the resentment starts to simmer and grow until it's practically oozing from you.

Try and have a frank, calm conversation about it all OP (write down points you want to address beforehand) discuss parental leave, division of responsibility regarding housework, cooking and looking after the baby. All of it. How open he is to this type of discussion will tell a lot. If he sulks at going to the shop it really doesn't bode well.

Honestly though I would start squirreling away a little bit of money into a separate account and figuring out how you'd cope as a single parent, as I have a feeling you'll be back on here in six to twelve months looking for advice on that topic...

mindproject · 04/04/2020 14:07

Give the baby your last name and don't put him on the birth certificate. That would be my best advice to you.

madcatladyforever · 04/04/2020 14:12

Yes asorry but he is going to be an absolutely shit father who does fuck all.
He's showing all of the red flags right now.

Ugzbugz · 04/04/2020 14:13

He will be like having a second child when the baby arrives and I dount your relationship will last, whilst these things dont matter so much now, a child brings a new set of stress etc. Are you going to do all the shopping, chores, housework, work full time, DIY, drive child to school, childminder, nursery, hobbies, clubs, parties etc etc, you will resent him.

Dishwashersaurous · 04/04/2020 14:17

What has changed to mean that he is like this now?

Obviously he must have been different six months ago eg doing stuff around house and supporting you for you to decide to plan a child.

So what’s changed and can do talk to him about the overarching change rather than the specific issue of shopping

Figgygal · 04/04/2020 14:17

Your update just makes him sound even worse to be honest
It doesn’t sound like you have an equal relationship and that is something that you may enable

MatildaTheCat · 04/04/2020 14:21

Judging from what you have said here it seems you have enabled his laziness for a long time. So it’s time to change and start to communicate more effectively.

He may be rubbish at tasks but assuming he’s a sentient adult he can learn and improve. Talk and ask him to take over a proportion of housework. Explain in words of one syllable that you need him to start to pull his weight.

If he refuses and punishes you with sulking and guilt tripping you then yes, he probably will be a pretty rubbish dad. But you have time to work on it.

Good luck.

pinkyredrose · 04/04/2020 14:23

The thing is I normally do most of the household tasks and chores even though he works half the hours I do

Why? Just WHY?

TheArchSorcererofContwaraburg · 04/04/2020 14:31

Sadly, you've fallen into the situation of having a child with a loser. And you are right, he will be a totally shit dad because he's a shit partner. You say 'OH', so you're not married? Do not give the baby his surname or put him on the birth certificate. You'll likely not see a penny out of this guy, either. Start making an exit plan now. You need to love yourself and your baby more than this chap. This situation never gets better, only worse, the guy will never change or step up, you'll flog a dead horse here.

pinkyredrose · 04/04/2020 14:42

Oh hell yes to giving the baby your surname!

WhereYouLeftIt · 04/04/2020 14:51

"The thing is I normally do most of the household tasks and chores even though he works half the hours I do. Now I'm working from home full time and he's on furlough and he's still done nothing to help me in the two weeks he's been off."
It's time for you both to sit down and have a serious talk, don't you think? Because I don't think you have yet, have you? You've been together 6 years, you've always wanted children. " It just seemed like it was time." I think you've both drifted into this without tinking about the practicalities.

I'd also guess you've both just drifted into you doing most of the household stuff too. You say " In fairness I'm a bit of a control freak and he's always been rubbish at that stuff so it's always seemed easier for me to just get on with it." Not sensible, not sensible at all (but incredibly common).

For starters, being rubbish at something isn't going to change if you don't keep trying, practicing, doing - is it? So the answer to being rubbish at something is to put some bloody effort into being less rubbish, not leaving it to somebody else to do.

You see it as 'easier' if you just do it. Give that some thought. Is that the best way to go, really? Think about when you do have children - will you keep doing things yourself because it's easier, or will you show them how to do it, stand back and let them be a bit rubbish at fist but encourage them to keep trying until they get good enough at it to be independent? Yes it is easier to do it yourself, but then they grow into adults who are incapable of cooking, laundry, cleaning, budgeting - you get my drift? Just as you have to stand back and let children learn, you will have to sit on your hands and bite your tongue whilst HE learns.

It really is time - well past time really - to make it clear that you are his partner and not his mother and you expect him to be a damned adult and share the work and the responsibilities of the household. Especially as that workload is going to ramp up significantly when the baby is here. He currently sounds like a sulky teenager - that's not good enough now. And it was never good enough, but you and he drifted into this.

So - stop drifting. Sit down and TALK. Talk about what it takes to run a household, and how it makes you feel to have it mostly left to you. Talk about what's holding him back (if anything!) from getting off his arse and just DOING what needs doing, without having to be told in detail what to do.

I guess I just didn't think about the equilibrium of the relationship so much until the last few weeks. "^
It happens to a lot of us. But you've started to think about it now, and you can see how skewed it is. So you need to TALK to each other. Because it's going to have to change. He can't just expect you to carry him, you need to be a team, a partnership. He needs to do more. You need to step back and let him do it.

ButteryPuffin · 04/04/2020 15:01

It's not your phrasing of it that's the problem. It was apparently fine for him to say 'we'll have to go to the shops' presumably meaning you Hmm

Daftodil · 04/04/2020 15:12

My OH is currently in a foul mood because I've told him he has to do the shopping today. Every since I mentioned it he's been snappy with me and we've now not spoken for two hours.

So talk to him. Find out if there's a reason he is being snappy. Is it anxiety that is making him apprehensive? Is he tired? Does he want to watch something particular on telly? If you're having a child together you need to communicate with each other. If he is anxious, tell him you are too. Tell him you're scared for you and for your baby. If he is tired, tell him you are too. Tell him you work twice as many hours and he needs to do more at home because growing a baby is tiring. If he wants to watch something particular on tv, tell him he's a selfish arse and to get himself to the shop right now and not come back without a full week of shopping and a big bar of chocolate for you.

TexanBlueNeck · 04/04/2020 15:50

So... You're working full-time, doing all the mental and physical home work, are pregnant, and he not only isn't chomping t the bit to do his share.. he's actually in a mood when you point out he's not even close to pulling his weight?

He's a shit partner. And he'll be a shit dad.

Having a baby who wakes multiple times in the night (which is normal!), Breastfeeding exhaustion if you choose/can, the healing from birth... All makes you vulnerable and already in a bit of a weak state, you don't need to be dealing with another baby - him! - on top! And that's assuming you and the baby are both well after birth.

I was a shell of myself for weeks, months in some ways, after my first, despite a healthy pregnancy for a much wanted baby, I wasn't expecting to be so hit. J normally " power through" anything!! and 90% of my antenatal group struggled with something extremely challenging at various points... That is all normal!

And your DH isn't going to have your back when you need it most, I can only suggest practical steps like starting to kick off backup plans like friends, family or charity help once your baby arrives.

Tbh it might be easier just leaving him now because it means you won't be so stretched with a new born baby when he's like this.

Isleepinahedgefund · 04/04/2020 15:50

Unfortunately this is all too common when babies come along. Perfectly ok seeming men suddenly turn out to be arses - because they weren't great to start with.

He has changed. He never did any chores before did he and expected you to do everything. He never looked after you but was happy for you to look after him. You excused him in part because of his anxiety (not sure how it stops him using the hoover but hey ho).

Him being on furlough and the current situation means that's it's magnified a bit earlier, usually it would show up when baby arrives.

As has already been said, babies don't change people but tend to bring out the very worst, and they put a huge strain on a relationship.

FizzyGreenWater · 04/04/2020 16:13

He loves you? How does he show that then?

Because it sounds like that translates as he's happy to tell you he does, because he knows full well he's got a nicely feathered nest with you running round doing ALL the life-related shitwork so he can sit back and enjoy life and even only work part-time and still be able to live comfortably because he sponges money as well as services. Lovely slave wifey. What's not to 'love'?

Yes he's a crap partner - someone who really loves and values you and is a person of quality would pull his weight in the partnership, would put in equal, would be respectful and kind and not a sulky child when actually asked to pull some weight for once.

He will be a terrible father because he'll act exactly like this. You're seeing his response when he's asked to contribute in the most minor way - can you imagine what he's going to be like when you start asking him to do the housework and cook because you're exhausted with a baby hanging off you, when you ask him to start contributing properly financially because you will be on mat leave etc.?

Do something now - start asking more of him. Sit down and work out finances and tell him he needs to step up. Start talking about how things will be changing when the baby comes along and make noises about housework and tasks. See what his reaction is.

This is unlikely to end well, so one thing I would DEFINITELY do is give your baby YOUR surname. There's way more than a 50% chance you'll end up being the sole parent and you will, if that happens, be SO glad you did that one thing.

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